Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Mel Brooks: Rabbi Tuckman
Photos
Quotes
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Rabbi Tuckman : Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
King Richard : I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
[hands the rabbi his sword]
King Richard : Hold this, Father.
Rabbi Tuckman : Rabbi.
King Richard : Whatever.
[tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss]
Rabbi Tuckman : [impressed] It's good to be the king.
King Richard : Now...
[voice squeaking]
King Richard : *you* may marry them!
Rabbi Tuckman : Thank you. Here's your knife.
King Richard : Sword.
Rabbi Tuckman : Whatever.
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Robin Hood : You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman : Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood : No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman : As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood : I am Robin of Loxley.
Rabbi Tuckman : Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
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Rabbi Tuckman : I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
Merry Men : 'ello Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman : Hello boys!
Robin Hood : A moyel. I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
Rabbi Tuckman : A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
Scarlet : What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
Rabbi Tuckman : It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
Little John : I'll take one!
Ahchoo : Hey, put me down for two!
Robin Hood : I'm game. How's it done?
Rabbi Tuckman : It's a snap.
[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
Rabbi Tuckman : I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman : I nip the tip! Who's first?
[groans from the Merry Men]
Little John : I changed me mind!
Ahchoo : I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin : [puts his hand in the air] Question...
[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman : I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
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Rabbi Tuckman : [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
Robin Hood : I do.
Rabbi Tuckman : Marian, do you?
Maid Marian : I do.
Rabbi Tuckman : I now pronounce you man and...
King Richard : I object!
Rabbi Tuckman : Who asked?
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Robin Hood : Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman : Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men : Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman : [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
[drunk]
Rabbi Tuckman : Join me!
Robin Hood : Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
Merry Men : [Cheer]
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Robin Hood : Hey, Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman : [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood : It is I, Robin! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry? That's wonderful! Wait, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman : Put a little ice on it. It'll be fine.
[walking to Robin]
Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the bris.
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Rabbi Tuckman : I've just come from Maid Marian! The lady whose heart you stole, you Prince of Thieves, you! I knew her mother and father before they were taken in the plague. Lord and Lady Bagelle. You know you were meant for each other. You and Maid Marian. What a combination! Locksley and Bagelle! You can't miss!