Father Ted (1995–1998)
Ardal O'Hanlon: Father Dougal McGuire
Photos
Quotes
-
Father Ted : It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal : God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted : No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
-
Father Dougal : Hello Len.
Bishop Brennan : Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!
Father Dougal : Oh right. Well done.
-
[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan : Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted : Oh Feck!
Bishop Brennan : What?
Father Ted : [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted : God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal : Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted : It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted : Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
-
[Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett]
Father Ted : No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.
Father Dougal : Ah, could we not call Jack something else?
Father Ted : Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack Hackett : Yes?
-
Father Ted : What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal : Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
-
Father Dougal : Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.
-
Father Dougal : I don't believe in organized religion
-
Father Ted : You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.
Father Dougal : God Ted, first America then space, what next?
-
Father Ted : That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal : That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted : Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
[Whispers to Dougal]
Father Ted : They shaft you every time!
[Dougal looks worried]
-
Father Ted : How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal : Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted : Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal : Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.
-
Father Ted : Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Father Dougal : No thanks, Ted!
-
Father Ted : [in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
Father Dougal : Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted : Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal : Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]
-
Father Dougal : Ted, I'm going mad.
-
Father Dougal : Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
Policeman : Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal : Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken
-
[to his pet rabbit]
Father Dougal : Come on, Sampras.
Father Ted : What did you call him?
Father Dougal : Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted : Why?
Father Dougal : Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.
-
Father Dougal : I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted : And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal : We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted : Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal : Damn. So near, yet so far.
-
Father Ted : No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
Father Dougal : Poor Father Nolan!
Father Ted : Yes, he's very low at the moment.
-
Father Dougal : Knock-knock, Ted.
Father Ted : Who's there?
Father Dougal : Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted : Good night, Dougal.
-
Father Dougal : Ah, what are you after, Ted?
Father Ted : I'm not after anything. It's not unknown for Priests to pray once in a while.
-
Father Dougal : He's going to Snaketown!
-
Father Dougal : Next you're going to tell us you're Santa.
Father Ted : No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal : The anti-Santa?
-
Father Dougal : It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.
-
Father Ted : It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal : I didn't see that one.
Father Ted : Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.
-
Father Ted : Careful, Father Jack! You don't want to go too far down that Bob Geldof road!
Father Dougal : Oooh, that's a bad road, Ted!
-
Father Ted : So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!
Father Dougal : And when's his next Confession?
Father Ted : Tuesday.