Photos
Quotes
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Patches O'Houlihan : If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Justin : What?
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]
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Patches O'Houlihan : [unrated version] Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!
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Peter La Fleur : [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan : Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur : Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan : No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur : ...Okay.
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Patches O'Houlihan : If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
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Patches O'Houlihan : [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
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[Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her]
Kate Veatch : What? Eight years of softball.
Dwight : Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur : She is *not* a lesbian.
Patches O'Houlihan : All I know is, that dyke can play!
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Patches O'Houlihan : If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
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Patches O'Houlihan : If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!
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Patches O'Houlihan : I love the smell of queef in the morning.
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Patches O'Houlihan : [to Gordon] You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!
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Patches O'Houlihan : Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards!
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Patches O'Houlihan : I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
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[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]
Patches O'Houlihan : Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!
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Patches O'Houlihan : I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
Peter La Fleur : No, thanks I'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you.
Patches O'Houlihan : Suit yourself, queer.
[Patches turns and drives off]
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Patches O'Houlihan : [Giving advice from beyond the grave to Peter at the climactic game; his image is shown in the stained towel] Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!
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Patches O'Houlihan : You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
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Patches O'Houlihan : My sweet dick, it's magic!
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Patches O'Houlihan : [about Gordon getting angry] Go you crazy son of a bitch GO!
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Patches O'Houlihan : Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
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Patches O'Houlihan : You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Where's your killer instincts, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get *mean*! That's the only way you can play!
Gordon : Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.
Patches O'Houlihan : [hits Gordon in the crotch] Are you angry now?
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Patches O'Houlihan : Go, you crazy son of a bitch!