- Tiffani von der Sloot: If you think going out on a fake gay date will make me jealous, you're dumber than a flock of Palins.
- Ryan: I don't wanna make you jealous, I just wanna piss you off!
- Helen: [giving a eulogy] Kyle and Marc loved life and that's why we're here today. My son was so proud of his homosexuality that he would want you all to know exactly how he died. My son rocketed off this mortal coil at eighty miles an hour down the Ronald Reagan Freeway while giving the man he loved a blow job. According to the autopsy report, "As Marc began to "bust a nut," Céline Dion's tour bus appeared, going in the wrong direction." Upon impact, my boys came together. And they died together, doing what they loved. Amen.
- Helen: [having given Casey's phone number to Tiffani] Kyle adored her and, well, I thought you might need some new friends - even if they are loser whores.
- Tiffani von der Sloot: He's never volunteered before.
- Harry: Oh, a virgin.
- Tiffani von der Sloot: Only if you don't count anal.
- Tiffani von der Sloot: [in the throws of passion] So help me God, if you stop, I'll rip off your dick and shove it in there myself!
- Ernesto: Tiffany, we're in a coffin!
- Tiffani von der Sloot: Shut up! You're ruining my fantasy!
- Tiffani von der Sloot: Compliments will get you nowhere unless you're straight and hung like Mr. T.
- Casey: Damn and damn.
- Tiffani von der Sloot: [in Vietnamese] Pam, Candy, this is the fag who will clean for us and attract gay customers.
- Candy: [in Vietnamese] He's too skinny. The gays want more meat on the bone.
- Pam: [in Vietnamese] No. Some like to take a twig boy, spread his legs reeeeal wide and snap him in two.
- Candy: Oh-ho.
- Tiffani von der Sloot: [to Casey, in English] They just said they can't wait to get to know you.
- Casey: Oh, cool. Uh, tell 'em I feel the same way.
- Tiffani von der Sloot: [in Vietnamese to Pam and Candy] He says treat him nice or he'll call immigration on your asses.
- [Casey questions the necessity of creating a fake Internet identity using pictures of Tiffani's sensuous ex-boyfriend Ryan]
- Casey: Why would I want Zack to talk to someone way hotter than I am?
- Tiffani von der Sloot: When's the last time you opened up to an ugly stranger? Besides, you just find out what you need to know then Ryan will disappear. A fake profile is the perfect wingman.
- Casey: What kinda straight guy goes on a date with another man?
- Tiffani von der Sloot: He was a stripper at a gay bar. He'd clean a toilet with his dick for a dollar.
- Casey: [to himself in a mirror, wearing Ryan's policeman props] You're been a very bad boy. You have a right to remain sexy. Anything you touch will be held against you in a court of my...
- Tiffani von der Sloot: [watching Casey and Zack after locking them in a house together] Are they fucking yet?
- Ryan: Not even close. Is this gonna work?
- Tiffani von der Sloot: Trust me. It's science. If you leave two dicks together, eventually one of them's going to need sucking... like prison.