- Benoit Blanc: I spoke in the car about the hole at the center of this doughnut. And yes, what you and Harlan did that fateful night seems at first glance to fill that hole perfectly. A doughnut hole in the doughnut's hole. But we must look a little closer. And when we do, we see that the doughnut hole has a hole in its center - it is not a doughnut hole at all but a smaller doughnut with its own hole, and our doughnut is not whole at all!
- Marta Cabrera: You're not much of a detective, are you?
- Benoit Blanc: Well, to be fair, you make a pretty lousy murderer.
- Marta Cabrera: What was that about will readings being boring?
- Benoit Blanc: The exception that proves the rule.
- Benoit Blanc: But the complexity and the gray lie not in the truth but what you do with the truth once you have it.
- [Marta and Harlan are playing "Go"]
- Harlan Thrombey: I don't know how you beat me at this every time.
- Marta Cabrera: I'm not trying to beat you. I'm creating a beautiful pattern.
- Harlan Thrombey: That's elder abuse. I'm calling the AARP.
- Marta Cabrera: Don't make me get the belt, Abuelo.
- Harlan Thrombey: [Talking to his caretaker, Marta Cabrera, about his grandson, Ransom Drysdale] There's so much of *me* in that kid. Confident. Stupid. I don't know... protected. Playing life like a game without consequences.
- [Grabs a knife out of a nearby display stand]
- Harlan Thrombey: Until you can't tell the difference
- [pauses and takes the knife out of its sheath]
- Harlan Thrombey: between a stage prop... and a real knife.
- [Stabs the table in front of him with the knife blade; the knife remains upright]
- Benoit Blanc: [to Marta] I want you to know that you didn't win the game by playing it Harlan's way, you won it by playing it your way. Because you have a good heart.
- Ransom Drysdale: [to Marta] I'm going to say this just to you. No cameras, no courthouse, because you know it's true. We allowed you into our home, let you watch our grand dad, welcome you into our family. And now you think you can steal it from us. You think I'm not going to fight to protect my own, our birthright, our ancestral home...
- Benoit Blanc: [laughing] That is hooey! Harlan, he bought this place in the 80's from a Pakistani real estate millionaire... .
- Ransom Drysdale: Oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up with that Kentucky fried Foghorn Leghorn drawl!
- Walt Thrombey: [Being questioned] My son Jacob, he's 16, very politically active.
- Richard Drysdale: [Cut to Richard being questioned] The boy is literally a Nazi.
- Meg Thrombey: [Cut to Meg being questioned] He's an alt-right dipstick troll.
- Walt Thrombey: [Cut to Walt being questioned] Kids today, with the internet, it's amazing.
- Ransom Drysdale: That's some heavy-duty conjecture.
- Walt Thrombey: Funny, Ransom, you skipped the funeral, but you're early for the will reading.
- Ransom Drysdale: [pointing] Up your ass.
- Meg Thrombey: [angrily] Oh, very nice!
- Ransom Drysdale: [pointing to each family member as they shout at him] Matter of fact, eat shit. How's that?
- Ransom Drysdale: [as the family are all shouting at him] Eat shit, eat shit, eat shit... *definitely* eat shit...
- Ransom Drysdale: I got to do this more often.
- Benoit Blanc: [of the novel Gravity's Rainbow] It describes the path of a projectile determined by natural law. Et voila, my method. I observe the facts without biases of the head or heart. I determine the arc's path, stroll leisurely to its terminus and the truth falls at my feet.
- Linda Drysdale: Were you boinking my father?
- Meg Thrombey: Boinking?
- Jacob Thrombey: You had sex with my grandfather you dirty anchor baby!
- Benoit Blanc: Harlan's detectives, they dig, they rifle and root. Truffle pigs. I anticipate the terminus of Gravity's Rainbow.
- Marta Cabrera: Gravity's Rainbow.
- Benoit Blanc: It's a novel.
- Marta Cabrera: Yeah, I know. I haven't read it though.
- Benoit Blanc: Neither have I. Nobody has. But I like the title. It describes the path of a projectile determined by natural law.
- Marta Cabrera: I've never been to a will reading before.
- Benoit Blanc: You'd think it'd be like a game show, but think of a community theatre production of a tax return.
- Benoit Blanc: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to request that you all stay until the investigation is completed.
- Linda Drysdale: What?
- Joni Thrombey: Can we ask why? Has something changed?
- Benoit Blanc: No...
- Joni Thrombey: No, it hasn't changed, or no, we can't ask?
- [last lines]
- Marta Cabrera: This family, I should help them. Right?
- Benoit Blanc: Well, I have my opinion. But I have a feeling you'll follow your heart.
- Walt Thrombey: [to Ransom, shouting] How about some more cookies, Hugh? You want some more cookies? Hey, maybe Harlan left you a cold glass of milk in his will, asshole!
- Benoit Blanc: Why is grief the providence of youth? I don't know. But I'd imagine that age deepens all feelings.
- Lieutenant Elliott: I'm sorry this is an open and shut case of suicide and quite frankly Benny we are getting to the point where I have to ask you what we're doing here.
- Benoit Blanc: The method? Throat slit? Typical for a suicide?
- Lieutenant Elliott: Yes, I mean, that's dramatic, but look around. I mean, the guy practical lives in a Clue board.
- Walt Thrombey: [shouting to Geatnana Wanetta] Do you want dinner Nana? Dinner? To eat? Nana?
- Linda Drysdale: Walt, she's fine. She ate the entire salmon spread already.
- Linda Drysdale: [questioned about Walt] If you think I'm dumb enough to shit-talk my little brother in front of a police detective and a state trooper...
- Richard Drysdale: [cut to Richard being questioned] Walt doesn't run shit!
- Ransom Drysdale: [quoting Linda's line when he revealed he was disinherited, to the family now they've learned they all are] I think this could be the best thing to happen to all of you!
- Walt Thrombey: I don't know what any of that means.
- Richard Drysdale: It means your son is a little creep.
- Walt Thrombey: Oh, my son's a creep.
- Joni Thrombey: Guys. Walt, he was in the bathroom.
- Richard Drysdale: Joylessly masturbating to pictures of dead deer.
- Walt Thrombey: You know what Richard, you want to go?
- Richard Drysdale: You bet Skippy, let's go!
- Ransom Drysdale: I've got to do this more often.
- Walt Thrombey: Marta, is it your intention to rennounce the inheritance?
- Marta Cabrera: [Marta shrugs] This is what Harlan wanted.
- Walt Thrombey: Yeah, but... Harlan put you in a very hard position here. I mean, it was unfair of him. I, I mean you see the kind of press and scrutiny that this kicks up, and you
- [hesitating]
- Walt Thrombey: and you know with your mother.
- Marta Cabrera: My mother?
- Walt Thrombey: Yeah.
- Marta Cabrera: What did Meg tell you?
- Walt Thrombey: Oh this isn't about... you're missing the point. We don't want to attack you in this, but Marta, if your mother came into the country illegally, criminally and you come into this inheritance with all of this scrutiny that entails, I'd be afraid that could come to light and that's what we want to avoid here. We can protect you from that happening or if it happens.
- Marta Cabrera: So your saying that even if it came to light, with the family's resources you could help me fix it?
- Walt Thrombey: Yeah, yeah, with the right lawyers, you know, not these local guys, but New York lawyers. D.C. lawyers, with enough resources put towards it, yes. Not that that ever even needs to come up, but, yes.
- Marta Cabrera: Okay good.
- Walt Thrombey: Okay.
- Marta Cabrera: 'cause Harlan gave me all your resouces so that means with my resources I will be able to fix it so I guess I will find the right lawers.
- Walt Thrombey: Er, Marta, that's not...
- [Marta slams the door on Walt]
- Walt Thrombey: ...you'd better be sure that's what you want.
- Walt Thrombey: Jacob was in that bathroom the night of the party.
- Joni Thrombey: Oh, so that's where you were all night.
- Richard Drysdale: What the hell were you doing in the bathroom all night?
- Jacob Thrombey: Nothing.
- Meg Thrombey: Swatting Syrian refugees.
- Jacob Thrombey: I was not.
- Meg Thrombey: Alt-right troll.
- Jacob Thrombey: Liberal snowflake.
- Ransom Drysdale: You go, Baby Driver.
- Marta Cabrera: Do you regret helping me yet?
- Ransom Drysdale: I regret not taking the Beemer.
- Trooper Wagner: We're sorry for your loss.
- Linda Drysdale: Thank you. That means a lot.
- Lieutenant Elliott: So we understand that night the family had gathered to celebrate your father's 85th birthday.
- Linda Drysdale: Yes.
- Lieutenant Elliott: How was it?
- Linda Drysdale: The party? Pre dad's death? Oh, it was great.
- Ransom Drysdale: [Driving away with Marta] I think this could be the best thing to happen to *all* of you!
- Richard Drysdale: [With the rest of the family] What does he mean by that?
- Lieutenant Elliott: Who hired you?
- Benoit Blanc: I do not know. An envelope of cash arrived at my apartment yesterday with a newspaper clipping of Thrombey's death.
- Trooper Wagner: An envelope? That worked?
- Benoit Blanc: An envelope of cash. Someone suspects foul play and goes through this ha-cha dance of hiring me and staying anonymous. It makes no damn sense. Compels me, though.
- Marta Cabrera: You've always been good to me. And what I'm about to say isn't going to be easy and you're going to be upset. But I thought after what you've gone through the last few days you deserve to hear it from me. I...
- Benoit Blanc: Excuse me. You have not been good to her. You have all treated her like shit. To steal back a fortune that you lost and she deserves. You're a pack of vultures at the feast, knives out, beaks bloody. Well, you're not getting bailed out, not this time. Ms. Cabrera has decided, definitively, not to renounce the inheritance.
- Walt Thrombey: What?
- Marta Cabrera: What?
- Benoit Blanc: Furthermore, it will be my professional recommendation to local authorities that the manner of death in the case of Harlan Thrombey be ruled as suicide. And the case is closed.
- Marta Cabrera: Blanc.
- Ransom Drysdale: What?
- Benoit Blanc: Thank you all for coming. Good bye.
- Walt Thrombey: That's certainly not what I was expecting. Not what I was expecting at all.
- Greatnana Wanetta: Heh.
- Joni Thrombey: Wait, I read a tweet about a New Yorker article about you. "The Last of the Gentleman Sleuths". You solved that case with the tennis champ! You're famous!
- Joni Thrombey: You don't like him cause you love him.
- Richard Drysdale: No, I don't like him, he's an asshole but maybe an asshole is what we needed.
- Joni Thrombey: Oh, God, yeah, and an asshole is what Germany needed in nineteen thirty whatever.