remakes, adaptations, and sequels, that made me mad.
These aren't necessarily the worst of the worst remakes/sequels/adaptations, these are simply the ones that personally angered me the most. Updated every so often cause I'm lazy and tired and only wanted to do 5 tonight but will do later.
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- DirectorAtaru OikawaStarsMiho KannoMami NakamuraYoriko DôguchiA traumatized young woman is trying to recover her memories with the help of a psychiatrist. During her hypnosis sessions, she repeats the name "Tomie" but is unable to recall where she knows it from.Junji Ito is something of a revered name in this household. He is one of my wife & I's favourite comic authors, and the year 1999 bore both a very good Junji Ito adaptation (Uzumaki!) and an absolutely terrible Junji Ito adaptation: Tomie.
The graphic novel Tomie is somewhat formless; while there are stories that contribute a mythos to the series, in truth there is no "story." Rather, the graphic novels were simply episodes that followed the same basic structure (Social outcasts find a macguffin object that brings a new Tomie to life, Tomie screws up their life and eliminates at least one woman, then male falls for Tomie and then murders her.) but the selling point for each story was the actual set-up, which was always unique and wild.
The problem with the Tomie movie - next to having some of THE WORST cinematography I have EVER seen and absolutely pathetic attempts to mimic Ito's art-style - is that they take one of the "episodes" from the graphic novel series, and stretch it out to film length. Uh-oh, the episodes aren't long enough! Well, surely they would adapt the first chapter of the graphic novel, which sets up the ENTIRE PREMISE as well as the outro which expands the mythos, right? Nope. That means that newcomers will have no idea what the hell is going on, and a story that would only make for a 15 minute short is padded out with long, drawn out, and boring scenes.
I kid you not - there is 5 minutes of a character photographing her spaghetti and talking on the phone in a one-sided fashion and saying absolutely nothing relevant.
The scariest thing is that this movie was actually popular enough to spawn several sequels, even pulling a Freddy and Jason by doing anything but stopping at the one dubbed "The Final Chapter." I know that Tomie can never be killed... but for the love of god, kill the franchise! - DirectorSamuel BayerStarsJackie Earle HaleyRooney MaraKyle GallnerThe spectre of a disfigured man haunts the children of the parents who murdered him, stalking and killing them in their dreams.Why couldn't this have just been another Mediocre Platinum Dunes remake? Why oh why did they have to ruin you Freddy in such a way? I stand by my "No Spoilers" rule, but the change to Freddy's character to make him "creepier" went all sorts of wrong. It made him creepier, sure, but not in a good way. It made him unlikable. This was a joyless film and it angered me to see my favourite slasher of all time changed. At least we still have the original...
- DirectorRalph BakshiStarsChristopher GuardWilliam SquireMichael ScholesThe Fellowship of the Ring embark on a journey to destroy the One Ring and end Sauron's reign over Middle-earth.It seems that you either love this one, or you hate it. I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. I am a huge nerd and admit that I absolutely love the books, but while it DID have some redeeming qualities - this adaptation, for the most part, was rubbish and the fact that it did indeed have some genuinely great moments only rubbed salt in the wounds when the absolutely terrible sunk in.
- DirectorLawrence KasdanStarsMorgan FreemanThomas JaneJason LeeFriends on a camping trip discover that the town they're vacationing in is being plagued in an unusual fashion by parasitic aliens from outer space.I'm a huge Stephen King fan, and it can be said that for every good Stephen King adaptation - there's a godawful one. The thing is though, you can spot an awful one from a mile away. They have low budgets, no name actors, and look like cheap B-Movies.
Yet DreamCatcher didn't look like a cheap B-Movie. It had a decent cast, the previews made it look great, and technically - it IS well made. It's also directed by the guy who helped George Lucas make The Empire Strikes Back! Which makes it more insulting that the film itself is awful, and it ruins what is actually one of my favourite post 90s King books. - DirectorJim SonzeroStarsKristen BellRick GonzalezChristina MilianWhen their computer hacker friend accidentally channels a mysterious wireless signal, a group of co-eds rally to stop a terrifying evil from taking over the world.The original "Kairo" wasn't a great film, but it was hardly a bad one. While I felt it was overlong - it had a fantastic atmosphere and an ingenious and creepy idea. The idea behind the original film was that the underworld is full, and there is no more room for souls there - so the spirits must invade our world. The problem? We occupy too much space.
In the original film, the spirits find a way to kill us without making more ghosts. How do they do that? Isolation. The presence of technology in the original film was subtle, it was meant to be allegorical of the way computers lure away family and estrange them. The spirits were able to kill us by isolating us, removing us from our families and friends and making sure that no one remembers us, no one loves us, no one cares about us. You are cold, alone - and no one will remember you. If no one mourns you, when you die - you do not leave behind a ghost for there is no memory. Problem solved.
The remake however, was not only one of the dumbest techno thrillers I have ever seen - it completely overblew the presence of technology in the original film. They took one VERY small element - a website about ghosts - and turned it into the main tack. OH NOES!!!! THE INTERNET IS MADE OF GHOSTS AND THEY WANT US DEAD, BUT THEY CAN ALSO GET IN OUR RADIOS AND TVS TOOOOOOOO! Rubbish. Intelligence insulting rubbish. - DirectorTim BurtonStarsMia WasikowskaJohnny DeppHelena Bonham CarterNineteen-year-old Alice returns to the magical world from her childhood adventure, where she reunites with her old friends and learns of her true destiny: to end the Red Queen's reign of terror.I love Tim Burton, and I have a soft spot for the Alice stories. Many adaptations of Alice either feel like they focus too much on the whimsical element or focus on exposing the slightly darker aspects. Knowing Tim Burton's knack for being both whimsical and dark, I believed he would be perfect and finally strike a balance between the two.
Instead we get a War/Rebellion movie. Yes, a goddamn war movie. Is War the thing you think of when you hear the words "Alice in Wonderland"? This movie looked wonderful, but that was just salt in the wound because it once again shows me how good this COULD have been.