The 50 Worst Movies Of All Time
This is a list for all the things you need to install a bidet in your bomb shelter.
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- DirectorMichael BayStarsShia LaBeoufMegan FoxJosh DuhamelSam Witwicky leaves the Autobots behind for a normal life. But when his mind is filled with cryptic symbols, the Decepticons target him and he is dragged back into the Transformers' war.Some thoughts on this $200 million misery marathon...
These are the only thoughts that ever went into it.
John Turturro should have to go door to door and tell everyone he was in Transformers 2.
Sheia Labeouf still owes us three more years of wearing a bag on his head.
Walker Texas Ranger had better performances and dialogue.
I would have enjoyed Megan Fox's performance more if I couldn't still see Michael Bays fingerprints on her from positioning her just so.
Yes, Walker Texas Ranger.
Congrats! You beat the likes of Human Centipede 2 and Working Girl as the movie most likely to cause nauseous fever dreams that won't let me get to the bathroom on time. - DirectorRoger ChristianStarsJohn TravoltaForest WhitakerBarry PepperIt's the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their 'man-animals' are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.I still can't make it from beginning to end with this "film". I'm pretty sure it was edited in a kiosk at a mall.
- DirectorElaine MayStarsWarren BeattyDustin HoffmanIsabelle AdjaniTwo terrible lounge singers get booked to play a gig in a Moroccan hotel but somehow become pawns in an international power play between the C.I.A., the Emir of Ishtar, and the rebels trying to overthrow his regime.Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty are two singers who get caught up in...ugh. I can't go on.
- DirectorWillard HuyckStarsLea ThompsonJeffrey JonesTim RobbinsA sarcastic humanoid duck is pulled from his homeworld to Earth where he must stop an alien invasion with the help of a nerdy scientist and a struggling female rock singer.Now, just follow me on this for a sec, if Willy Robertson were to have shown up and shot Howard in the face, this would be on a different list!
- DirectorRay KelloggJohn WayneMervyn LeRoyStarsJohn WayneDavid JanssenJim HuttonCol. Mike Kirby picks two teams of crack Green Berets for a mission in South Vietnam. First off is to build and control a camp that is trying to be taken by the enemy the second mission is to kidnap a North Vietnamese General.It was supposed to be the Vietnam war that this movie was plugging, but the film makers didn't seem to know it. I think they were just plugging war in general. And badly. I kept waiting for the jungle in the background to fall over and reveal the catering crew.
- DirectorGeorge LucasStarsHayden ChristensenNatalie PortmanEwan McGregorTen years after initially meeting, Anakin Skywalker shares a forbidden romance with Padmé Amidala, while Obi-Wan Kenobi discovers a secret clone army crafted for the Jedi.I hate this movie movie than Anakin hates sand.
- DirectorRoger SpottiswoodeStarsSylvester StalloneEstelle GettyJoBeth WilliamsA tough police sergeant's overbearing mother comes to visit him and begins to meddle in his life and career.The unfunny title is the funniest thing about this movie.
- DirectorJan de BontStarsSandra BullockJason PatricWillem DafoeA computer hacker breaks into the computer system of the Seabourn Legend cruise liner and sets it speeding on a collision course into a gigantic oil tanker.Remember that scene where she said she liked taking care of her boyfrend when he was sick? (no? it's ok) Who was there to take care of me when this movie made me sick?
- DirectorPaul WeilandStarsBill CosbyTom CourtenayJoe Don BakerSecret Agent Leonard Parker (Bill Cosby) is called out of retirement to save the world from evil genius Medusa Johnson (Gloria Foster).I've seen better film on teeth.
- DirectorRoger DonaldsonStarsTom CruiseBryan BrownElisabeth ShueA talented New York City bartender takes a job at a bar in Jamaica and falls in love.Tom Cruise tosses drinks. This viewer tosses his lunch.
- DirectorMarc RoccoStarsCorey FeldmanJason RobardsCorey HaimAn accident puts the consciousness of an elderly dream researcher into the body of a bratty teenager. The problem? The kid prefers dreamworld limbo to real life.Of all the bad teen movies of the 80's and all the bad body-swap movies, this is the only one that made me want to find a car battery or a small child and smash the screen.
- DirectorMikael HåfströmStarsClive OwenJennifer AnistonVincent CasselWhen two married business executives having an affair are blackmailed by a violent criminal, the two must turn the tables on him to save their families.Lots of complaints about Anistons performance here, but Owen was also miscast as the stupidest character to ever be in a movie. My dog knew what was going on, and my dog is an idiot!
- DirectorSimon WestStarsAngelina JolieJon VoightIain GlenVideo game adventurer Lara Croft comes to life in a movie where she races against time and villains to recover powerful ancient artifacts.This movie was so dull, I didn't just break my dvd player, I broke my Playstation!
- DirectorSteve RashStarsPatrick DempseyAmanda PetersonCourtney GainsAn outcast secretly pays the most popular girl in school one thousand dollars to pretend to be his girlfriend for a month.Also can't buy a good script, good performance, good directing...
- DirectorJohn McTiernanStarsArnold SchwarzeneggerF. Murray AbrahamArt CarneyWith the help of a magic ticket, a young movie fan is transported into the fictional world of his favorite action movie character.Redefines the genre of Vanity Project.
- DirectorMike NicholsStarsHarrison FordAnnette BeningMichael HaleyAfter being shot, a lawyer loses his memory and must relearn speech and mobility, but he has a loving family to support him.A jerk gets shot in the noggin and becomes so nice and puppy doggish, I wanted to shoot him in the head again.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsDustin HoffmanRobin WilliamsJulia RobertsWhen Captain James Hook kidnaps his children, an adult Peter Pan must return to Neverland and reclaim his youthful spirit in order to challenge his old enemy.It's Regarding Henry, but with tights. And eyeliner, omg with the eyeliner. (sadly, nobody gets a bullet in the head)
- DirectorBruce Joel RubinStarsMichael KeatonNicole KidmanBradley WhitfordA terminally ill man prepares for his death.When Nicole Kidman turns to her husband all teary eyed and says "Love us", I realized how much MY LIFE was worth and hit the eject button!
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsDemi MooreRob LoweAndrew McCarthyA group of friends, just out of college, struggle with adulthood.Two hours of relentless whining! Waaa, waaa, waaa! And not one of these characters, (not one!) has the decency to die.
- DirectorLuis LlosaStarsSylvester StalloneSharon StoneJames WoodsA woman entices a bomb expert she's involved with into destroying the mafia that killed her family.No movie with James Woods and Eric Roberts as the villians should be this unwatchable.
- DirectorPhillip NoyceStarsSharon StoneWilliam BaldwinTom BerengerA woman moves into an exclusive New York City apartment building that she soon discovers houses tenants with all manner of shocking secrets.Stone and Baldwin give performances so bad...well, that was a given wasn't it?
- DirectorAndrew SipesStarsWilliam BaldwinCindy CrawfordSteven BerkoffMax Kirkpatrick is a cop who protects Kate McQuean, a civil law attorney, from a renegade KGB team out to terminate her.One could joke about Crawfords acting, but let us not ignore Billy Baldwin, who gives plywood a run for it's money.
- DirectorEddie MurphyStarsEddie MurphyRichard PryorRedd FoxxDuring the 1930s, a New York City illegal gambling house owner and his associates must deal with strong competition, gangsters, and corrupt cops in order to stay in business.So Jasmine Guy is supposed to kill Eddie Murphy's character, but she just HAS to have sex with him first. (Murphy is also the director) But surprise! Her gun is empty so he shoots her in the face! Later, Richard Pryor remarks, "That must've been some bad (bleep)!" Murphy, Pryor and Foxx. That's three legendary comedians, and zero laughs.
- DirectorWolfgang PetersenStarsNoah HathawayBarret OliverTami StronachA troubled boy dives into a wondrous fantasy world through the pages of a mysterious book.A giant fying cocker spaniel! Talking rock people! A very creepy little princess! A grim horse death scene! (I'm still convinced the horse committed suicide, then promptly fired its agent) Also Limahl.
- DirectorSam WeismanStarsMatthew ModineRandy QuaidPaul ReiserA story about the family breakup of three divorced men. The film presented their perspective and it reveals their relationship with their children, ex-wives, girl friends, male friendships, and their identities as divorced men.This isn't just one of the worst movies I've ever seen, it's one of the worst McDonald's commercials I have ever seen as well!
- DirectorDonald PetrieStarsKate HudsonMatthew McConaugheyAdam GoldbergBenjamin Barry is an advertising executive and ladies' man who, to win a big campaign, bets that he can make a woman fall in love with him in 10 days.I don't know how else to put it. This movie made me wanna burn things.
- DirectorAndrey KonchalovskiyAlbert MagnoliStarsSylvester StalloneKurt RussellTeri HatcherFramed by their ruthless arch-nemesis, a pair of mismatched LAPD officers must put their differences aside to get even with the brutal crime baron who sent them to rot in a maximum-security prison.A story of two super cops preening and mugging, who take down a cartel? Or an allegory of innocence lost and redemption found? Discuss.
- DirectorReginald HudlinStarsEddie MurphyRobin GivensHalle BerryA successful executive and womanizer finds his lifestyle choices have turned back on him when his new female boss turns out to be an even bigger deviant than he is.Eddie Murphy gets his commupance! How you ask? By sleeping with Robyn Givens and Halle Berry! So, when can I get my commupance?
- DirectorJoe RothStarsJulia RobertsJohn CusackBilly CrystalA movie publicist deals with the messy public split of his movie's co-stars while keeping reporters at bay while a reclusive director holds the film's print hostage.Many people ask what happened to my eyes. The answer is, I tried to claw them out somewhere around the halfway point of this movie.
- DirectorWalt BeckerStarsTim AllenMartin LawrenceJohn TravoltaA group of suburban biker wannabes looking for adventure hit the open road, but get more than they bargained for when they encounter a New Mexico gang called the Del Fuegos.Travolta is an every other decade kind of actor. The 70's (Saturday Night Fever, Carrie) great. The 80's (Staying Alive, Perfect, Look Who's Talking) woeful. The 90's (Pulp Fiction, Get Shorty, Face/Off, Primary Colors) now we're talkin! The 00's (Battlefield Earth, Domestic Disturbance, Old Dogs and this, this thing) now we're barfing. Tim Allen sucks in any decade.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsBen AffleckKate BeckinsaleJosh HartnettA tale of war and romance mixed in with history. The story follows two lifelong friends and a beautiful nurse who are caught up in the horror of an infamous Sunday morning in 1941.This movie is essentially 90210 for the first half. Top Gun in the middle (sans the gay overtones) and then back to the Brandon, Dylan and Kelly love Bermuda triangle. Points to Josh Hartnett, he looks like Tommy Lee Jones and sounds like Keanu Reeves. Impressive. Most can't do both.
- DirectorJohn BadhamStarsMel GibsonGoldie HawnDavid CarradineAn old flame discovers her ex-boyfriend from the past is a relocated FBI informant out to stop the bad guys.They should've called this one Turd on a Wire! Ha! Turd on a, hahaha! Ahem. Sigh.
- DirectorDarren GrantStarsKimberly EliseSteve HarrisTyler PerryA couple's seemingly solid marriage begins to crumble when the wife discovers that her husband intends to divorce her.Let's see. There's the courtroom shooting. The new boyfriend who talks like the cover of a bad romance novel. And then there's Perry. The quadruple threat. He writes, directs, produces and acts. None of them well.
- DirectorIvan ReitmanStarsRobin WilliamsBilly CrystalJulia Louis-DreyfusA woman cons two old boyfriends into searching for her runaway son by convincing both that they are the boy's father.One of these two guys might be the father of a young boy. The boy was last seen jumping into a strangers van.
- DirectorMichael KarbelnikoffStarsChristian SlaterPatrick DempseyRodney EastmanFrom start to finish, this is a story of friendship between four street-wise mates who don't mind using violence to achieve the lives that they want. They trust no one but each other, which is vital to their success as mobsters.Richard Greico is Bugsy Seigel! Patrick Dempsey is Meyer Lansky! The release is in 1991. And yet Warren Beatty and Ben Kingsley get the Oscar nominations for their portrayals of the same characters that year. An injustice? Oh, I think so. I think so.
- DirectorTom ShadyacStarsSteve CarellMorgan FreemanLauren GrahamGod contacts Congressman Evan Baxter and tells him to build an ark in preparation for a great flood.How can a movie with Steve Carell be so painful? God only knows.
- DirectorTom ShadyacStarsJim CarreyJennifer AnistonMorgan FreemanA whiny news reporter is given the chance to step into God's shoes.Tom Shadyac. Your movies suck. You are the reason they suck. If you go near a movie set again, I'll shoot a puppy. The blood will be on your hands.
- DirectorChris ColumbusStarsTaye DiggsWilson Jermaine HerediaRosario DawsonIn New York City's gritty East Village, a group of bohemians strive for success and acceptance while enduring the obstacles of poverty, illness and the AIDS epidemic.Five-hundred-twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. That's how long this movie felt while sitting through it.
- DirectorRichard FleischerStarsArnold SchwarzeneggerBrigitte NielsenSandahl BergmanThe fearless warrior Red Sonja sets out to avenge her family's murder and rid her kingdom from the tyrannical rule of evil Queen Gedren.Un film de Martin Scorsese.
- DirectorWalt BeckerStarsRobin WilliamsJohn TravoltaSeth GreenTwo friends and business partners find their lives turned upside-down when strange circumstances lead them to be the temporary guardians of 7-year-old twins.Another Travolta film on the list. This one has a guy in an ape suit. Oh wait! That's Robin Williams!
- DirectorJohn SchlesingerStarsMadonnaRupert EverettBenjamin BrattAbbie, tired of failed relationships, has a one-night-stand with her gay friend; they agree to raise the resulting baby together.The Next Best Thing to what? Castration?
- DirectorMimi LederStarsKevin SpaceyHaley Joel OsmentHelen HuntA young boy attempts to make the world a better place after his teacher gives him that chance.This is me paying it forward to you by warning you to stay away from this most manipulative of drivel. How is this movie manipulative? They stab the boy to death. Then everyone in America shows at his house in their cars. But then rioted when they realized it wasn't Kevin Costner playing catch with his dad.
- DirectorJim GoddardStarsSean PennMadonnaPaul FreemanShanghai, 1938: A missionary woman hires a fortune hunter to help her find 1100 lbs. opium lost, as wounded need the morphine. Adventure and romance follows.Sean Penn married Madonna in the 80's He also punched a cameraman in the 80's. In one movie, he chewed off his toenails. Under one of those toenails was this movie.
- DirectorWilliam ShatnerStarsWilliam ShatnerLeonard NimoyDeForest KelleyCaptain Kirk and his crew must deal with Mr. Spock's long-lost half-brother who hijacks the Enterprise for an obsessive search for God at the center of the galaxy.Ever watched three old men get hammered and try singing Row, Row, Your Boat for an undertimened amount of time? If the answer is yes, you will still hate this movie.
- DirectorLana WachowskiLilly WachowskiStarsChanning TatumMila KunisEddie RedmayneA young woman discovers her destiny as an heiress of intergalactic nobility and must fight to protect the inhabitants of Earth from an ancient and destructive industry.This movie ascends like a colonoscopy. Except a colonoscopy is more coherent, with a better narrative and at least 40% less Eddie Redmayne.
- DirectorAdam WingardStarsJames Allen McCuneCallie HernandezCorbin ReidAfter discovering a video showing what he believes to be his vanished sister Heather, James and a group of friends head to the forest believed to be inhabited by the Blair Witch.Say what you will about the first one. Personally it left me quivering in the corner like a chihuahua in an igloo nested in its own filth. But the thing about this thing is it accomplishes two things. First, the movie that started the found footage genre, should hopefully end it as well. And C, let this be unequivocal proof that millennials are SO much more obnoxious than Gen Xers ever were!
- DirectorAlex KendrickStarsKirk CameronErin BetheaKen BevelIn an attempt to save his marriage, a firefighter uses a 40-day experiment known as "The Love Dare."Word to the wise. This movie is not fireproof. This is a theory I have tested.
- DirectorBill CondonStarsKristen StewartRobert PattinsonTaylor LautnerAfter the birth of Renesmee/Nessie, the Cullens gather other vampire clans in order to protect the child from a false allegation that puts the family in front of the Volturi.If you were to take all five of these movies and conglomerate them into one two hour movie, still nothing would happen!
- DirectorStewart RaffillStarsChristine EbersoleJonathan WardTina CasparyAn alien trying to escape from NASA is befriended by a wheelchair-bound boy.It’s a lot like E.T., except with a impromptu McDonalds dance party and a boy in a wheelchair falling off a cliff. Also an alien who may or may not be made from the spare parts of other muppets who were banished to Fraggle Rock.
- DirectorSteven KnightStarsMatthew McConaugheyAnne HathawayDiane LaneA fishing boat captain juggles facing his mysterious past and finding himself ensnared in a reality where nothing is what it seems.There was about twenty minutes left in this wacky piece of nonsensical nonsense (I was checking repeatedly) when I said aloud. “I better like where this is all headed.”
I didn’t.