The Absolute Worst Of 2012
While I always have lists for the good & best movies every year, the hugely disproportional ratio tilted towards the mediocre to the downright deplorable films annually, has urged me to compile this list of movies which I & many others would have high or relatively decent expectations for, but just failed miserably to even provide some mild entertainment (lets not even get into the other aspects of filmmaking).
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- DirectorRupert SandersStarsKristen StewartChris HemsworthCharlize TheronIn a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.Among the worst films of all time. The title should have been 'Snow White And All Of A Sudden' because we were being fed with random scenes occurring out of nowhere without any rhyme or reason. In spite of this bland suddenness we were still led to a totally predictable & mundane climax. Even Hemsworth & Theron's fine performances couldn't save this film. And more than the enticing trailers, I am angry with how such an esteemed and noteworthy critic of the caliber of Mr. Roger Ebert could even think that this movie contained even a semblance of worthiness & mislead so many cinema-goers.
- DirectorSriram RaghavanStarsRavi KishanKareena KapoorSaif Ali KhanA series of seemingly unconnected events across the world leads to Agent Vinod undertaking a globe-trotting mission to discover why his colleague was murdered.Never ever had great expectations from a Saif Ali Khan starrer, but the trailers and the director's record looked promising. But, alas, what did you expect when Saif Ali Khan is miscast as a conglomerate of Ethan Hunt, James Bond, Jason Bourne &....wait.....hold your breath....Dirty Harry! One thing you can count on, Saif Ali Khan does live up to his low expectations.
- DirectorKathryn BigelowStarsJessica ChastainJoel EdgertonChris PrattA chronicle of the decade-long hunt for al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden after the September 2001 attacks, and his death at the hands of the Navy S.E.A.L.s Team 6 in May 2011.Kathryn Bigelow does deserve an Oscar for this film - for the most pretentious & the biggest hack of a Director currently functioning. Jessica Chastain also deserves an Oscar - for the most highly overrated actress to emerge from Hollywood in recent memory. If Bigelow gets another Oscar or if this film wins any Oscars, it will be another travesty for the Academy after the equally sophomoric but slightly better 'The Hurt Locker'. Dear Miss Bigelow, of you wan to learn how to transcend serious and stark matter into an engrossing film, just make a case-study of some truly great films this year like 'Argo' & 'Lincoln'.
- DirectorKunal KohliStarsShahid KapoorPriyanka Chopra JonasPrachi DesaiThe true love between a couple in 1910, 1960 and 2012. Their love is so strong that even destiny wants to bring them together.Just plain terrible, so terrible that if I start listing its flaws, I wouldn't stop ranting, so just lets leave it at that - "PLAIN TERRIBLE"!
- DirectorChris RenaudKyle BaldaStarsZac EfronTaylor SwiftDanny DeVitoA 12-year-old boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world.Its been ages since I left a movie halfway through, this was one such distasteful moment. I know animation movies are aimed at kids, but please don't dumb them down, kids are not imbeciles, some even utter words of wisdom we seldom hear from adults. The characters represented were just moronic & their actions & motivations ranged from silliness to bewilderement. Just insulting to Dr. Seuss' original classic. I recommend the far more enjoyable 1972 made-for-TV-movie version instead.
- DirectorLen WisemanStarsColin FarrellBokeem WoodbineBryan CranstonA factory worker, Douglas Quaid, begins to suspect that he is a spy after visiting Rekall - a company that provides its clients with implanted fake memories of a life they would like to have led - goes wrong and he finds himself on the run.The original was just good, the remake could have been so much better, but alas it resorts to cheap CGI tricks, Hollywood kitsch, & a lightning pace which doesn't allow us to register any scene in general. Colin Farrel might be a decent actor, but it is quite obvious that we sorely miss the Arnolds, Slys, Lundgrens, Norrises in hardcore action stuff.
- DirectorAshwani DhirAnil DevganStarsAjay DevgnSanjay DuttSonakshi SinhaA guest tries to stay inside the house of a vengeful man who can't kill him unless he's outside, because of equating guest with God.I didn't even expect a semblance of a plot, but I did expect some wacky entertainment. Alas, this just smelted into the recent spate of mindless ho-hum. The jokes are insipid & the gags ludicrous. Authenticity is smothered with fake Punjabi accents (except for Juhi Chawla who fruitlessly endeavors to infuse some respect in the proceedings) & faker scenarios. Its all the more infuriating when you realize that the filmmakers have mutilated the legendary Buster Keaton's classic comedy, "Our Hospitality". Most disheartening is the rapid decline of Ajay Devgn as he makes an even stronger case for certified dementia - his repertoire is plumetting into a cesspool of muck at an alarming velocity & ominously threatening to eradicate the credible undertaking associated with him in the past, but what else can you expect from an individual who blatantly asserts that 'movie-making as the end of the day is purely a business & nothing more'. Bad..........bad..........no, just plain terrible!
- DirectorReema KagtiPriyamvada NarayananStarsAamir KhanKareena KapoorRani MukerjiInspector Surjan Shekhawat, who is dealing with a depressing past, has to investigate a high profile murder case, deal with his crumbling marriage and use the help and solace of a prostitute by the name of Rosie.Lethrgically paced, weakly plotted, pretentiously narrated, & pallidly enacted. A huge letdown for such an eagerly anticipated film.
- DirectorAkiva SchafferStarsBen StillerVince VaughnJonah HillFour men who form a neighborhood watch group as a way to get out of their day-to-day family routines find themselves defending the Earth from an alien invasion.Heroes strutting around like juvenile retards. Adult males displaying the intellect of toddlers. Women appearing like candyfloss. Aliens inexplicably developing foreign accents & sexual vigor. The laws of physics, biology, chemistry & the legacy of some dearly departed ingenious reputes being seriously challenged. Stiller, Hill, & Vaughn sadly plummeting to so far inconceivable cesspools. Need I say more? Are you'll still reading this? Get the overall gist already, skip this turkey & save your souls, while I try to salvage mine.
- DirectorBenh ZeitlinStarsQuvenzhané WallisDwight HenryLevy EasterlyFaced with both her hot-tempered father's fading health and melting ice-caps that flood her ramshackle bayou community and unleash ancient aurochs, six-year-old Hushpuppy must learn the ways of courage and love.A movie about a bunch of losers and an annoying kid convincing themselves about their lack of ambition and lethargic lifestyle, by criticizing those leading normal lives and incessantly feeding on each other's lies. I wonder why the Director doesn't adopt this lifestyle if he's so much in awe of it and quit his ambitions of film-making altogether. I know he'll be doing many movie lovers a huge favor, & I mean real movie lovers, not pretentious hacks who just flow with the tide. This movie scoring over 'The Dark Knight Rises', 'The Avengers', and 'Prometheus' in the best picture category; and its director being nominated over Affleck, Tarantino, Jackson, & Nolan is perhaps the biggest travesty in the Academy Awards history.
- DirectorMike McCoyScott WaughStarsAlex VeadovRoselyn SanchezNestor SerranoAn elite team of Navy SEALs embark on a covert mission to recover a kidnapped CIA agent.Honor, Courage, Justice, Freedom, Liberty, Friends & Family are the most important thing in life. But you need a screenplay to make a decent movie. And with no disrespect to Navy-Seals - they are some of the toughest SOB's around - but you still need real actors in movies.
- DirectorKabir KhanStarsSalman KhanKatrina KaifGirish KarnadIndia's top spy Tiger and his love Zoya battle the dark world of intelligence and espionage that forbids its soldiers from loving the enemy.When will Salman Khan movies ever start living up to their hype? Its been 2 years & 3 films since the impact of 'Dabaang', & the quality is just deteriorating constantly. Even his performances are incomprehensibly, on the wane - he was never the most meticulous of performers, but his repertoire is enough proof to suggest that he isn't this bad either. I mean, I never envisaged the day that Katrina Kaif will out-act him on screen. I will not even endeavor to delve into the inanity of the plot & the myriad plot-holes giving serious competition to Mumbai's weather-beaten roads, but this is just another glitzy mish-mash, clueless about its own genre. Its also time the Indian public stopped supporting these pointless, inexplicable films, or else our industry is in serious jeopardy of living upto its thus far pseudo status of "largest in quantity & least in quality".
- DirectorPooja BhattStarsRandeep HoodaArunoday SinghArif ZakariaIzna, a porn star, is tasked by an Indian Intelligence Agency to seduce her ex-boyfriend Kabir, a dreaded assassin, in order to steal vital information relating to his sleeper cell contacts.Eroticism alone cannot salvage a film, at the least, a vestige of plot is essential. But if the film-makers were hypnotized into believing that they are kindergarten dropouts, what else can you expect? And truth be told, Hindi cinema has delivered way better & even way more sensuous erotic thrillers in the past, case in point being "Hate Story" last year, & the classic "Murder" a few years ago. This managed to sneak into the backdoor labelled as "Hit", just because of the Bhatts' superlative marketing strategy, fixated on porn-star Sunny Leone & the undelivered promise of ripping open the envelope, which has been lucidly & aesthetically pushed a few times before.
- DirectorGenndy TartakovskyStarsAdam SandlerKevin JamesAndy SambergDracula, who operates a high-end resort away from the human world, goes into overprotective mode when a boy discovers the resort and falls for the count's teenaged daughter.Confounding, noisy, lurid, clumsy, & aimless........like most animated movies nowadays.
- DirectorAshish R. MohanStarsAkshay KumarAsin ThottumkalMithun ChakrabortyA father who runs a marriage bureau believes that his son is a failure in life. In order to prove him wrong, his son takes on the task of finding a match for a gangster's sister.When the filmmakers showed a Punjabi family a little before halfway through the film, comprising an ethnic agglomeration of a Chinese sister-in-law, a Canadian mother, a South African grandmother, and rustic Jat males - they are obtrusively hinting not to venture further on this tumultuous celluloid path. Do not commit the blunder I did, and heed their advice.
- DirectorEric DarnellTom McGrathConrad VernonStarsBen StillerJada Pinkett SmithChris RockThe Madagascar animals join a struggling European circus to get back to New York, but find themselves being pursued by a psychotic animal-control officer.If Dreamworks ever desires to garner the same reverence as Pixar, then they have to consistently churn out more quality products like the 'Shrek' series, the 'Kung Fu Panda' films & 'How To Train Your Dragon', and definitely not jumbled up messes like this. 'Confused & meandering along an incoherent path' is how I would describe this movie in a single statement. And why do most animated films nowadays need to be so noisy, garish & lurid.
- DirectorWard RobertsStarsAmber BensonJeremiah BirkettAaron GaffeyA former vigilante who has embraced his peaceful nature comes to the aid of a young mother in trouble with a cannibalistic drug lord.Some Grindhouse sneaks up on you & lingers fondly for ages, some is just pure fun, most are just passable fare to spend a lazy evening, while there is some Grindhouse still, that's really appalling. Unfortunately this movie falls in the cesspool of the last category. Watch it for its invigorating opening credits & nothing else.
- DirectorPeter GeigerStarsAlex CarterMonica KeenaAlex ArleoWhen a colossal tectonic shift causes the sea level to start rising, a microbiologist gathers the DNA of as many species as she can, while the military creates an "ark" in a desperate attempt to preserve life on Earth.A plot borrowed from a myriad literary & cinematic representations is the least of the umpteen problems here. Set pieces designed from children's coloring competitions, action choreographed by school punks & cinematography captured on cell phones. Well, forgive me for sounding absurd, but the way this absurd movie pans out, the above mentioned aberrations do seem true.
- DirectorMåns MårlindBjörn SteinStarsKate BeckinsaleMichael EalyIndia EisleyWhen human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrior Selene leads the battle against humankind.The expectations were decent, the trailers were good, but it was just a pale shadow of the original 2 classics. Hell....! Even the 3rd movie was better than this dull crap.
- DirectorDaniel EspinosaStarsDenzel WashingtonRyan ReynoldsRobert PatrickA young CIA agent is tasked with looking after a fugitive in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge.Not since 'The Bone Collector', has Denzel Washington participated in such a convoluted, mediocre film. What began as something exciting & promised a devious revelation, completely sunk post-interval into something predictable, with mundane twists, nonsensical explanations, hurried answers, myriad loose ends & major plot holes. Even Mr. Washington's performance & some great action sequences could not salvage this rudderless ship.
- DirectorMark NeveldineBrian TaylorStarsNicolas CageCiarán HindsIdris ElbaJohnny Blaze, tortured by the Ghost Rider's curse, gets a chance of redemption through protecting the Devil's son, whose father is pursuing him.Irrespective of all the flak he receives, I still believe that Nicolas Cage is a decent actor, to continually associate himself with cheesier, cornier & further damaging ho-hum. Again a silly sequel to a good first film. Even though I have never read the 'Ghost Rider' comics, but being an avid follower of other Marvel characters - films & comics alike -, I can confidently find solace in the assumption that this prestigious brand's comic plots would never be anywhere in the vicinity of this travesty of a film.
- DirectorGary RossStarsJennifer LawrenceJosh HutchersonLiam HemsworthKatniss Everdeen voluntarily takes her younger sister's place in the Hunger Games: a televised competition in which two teenagers from each of the twelve Districts of Panem are chosen at random to fight to the death.I've given it a 6/10 & that one extra star is only because of Jennifer Lawrence's performance, unfortunately for her, its also her 1st bad film. I understand that a movie has to be different from the book, due to cinematic reasons, but not this much. Too predictable, lack of any tension, no character development, disjointed scenes, horrible acting from the rest of the cast (except Donald Sutherland - he's always good), repulsive cinematography and most of all, a failure to create any bond between the audience & the protagonists. Basically, it was exactly opposite of what the book was.
- DirectorArnab ChaudhuriPavan BuragohainK.K. RainaStarsYudhveer BakoliyaAshok BanthiaRavi KhanvilkarArjun, a Pandava, learns the art of warfare from Drona and becomes his most skilled student. Meanwhile, Duryodhana and his uncle, Shakuni, conspire to win over everything that belongs to the Pandavas.Indian animation has certainly improved with this film, though it has miles to travel before even creeping close to its Hollywood, Korean, European, or Japanese counterparts. But the biggest flaw with this film, as with previous Indian animated films, is that its no fun at all & seems like it deliberately lacks humor. When will we realize, that animation movies are not a medium to talk down to kids, & not all education can be achieved by being preachy.
- DirectorJeffrey WalkerStarsGuy PearceMarta DusseldorpAaron PedersenA former criminal lawyer is getting his life back together and now spends his days as a part-time investigator, debt collector, apprentice cabinet maker, punter and finding those who don't want to be found - dead or alive. When an ex-client wants his help, he lets it pass away. But then this guy turns up dead which forces him back into the ominous past he thought he left for good.I've just heard about the cult following of the Australian "Jack Irish" novels, but after watching this film, I have lost any vestige of interest, in gaining any further insight through either the books or subsequent movies.
- DirectorTrivikram SrinivasStarsAllu ArjunIleana D'CruzRajendra PrasadAfter helping the police foil a violent heist, a sharp minded young man must evade the criminal mastermind whose plans he has thwarted.One of the most awkward & cringe-worthy films I've had the distinct displeasure to sit through, with probably the most preposterous story-line & dialogues ever, conjoined with some of the most horrendous acting pepetrated on the unsuspecting viewers, & the largest influx of plot-holes any narrative has ever had the misfortune of withstanding on screen. Altogether culminating in one of the worst Telugu films in recent memory.
- DirectorJackie ChanStarsJackie ChanShu QiXingtong YaoA man searches the world for a set of mystic artifacts. The twelve bronze heads of the animals from the Chinese zodiac.Worst Jackie Chan movie ever - period! The stunts were as glorious as ever, but this time they lacked application and integration with the plot, which has been a highlight in most Chan movies. Plus the action was devoid of any humor, which was a startling jolt as Chan has been synonymous with action-comedies (classics like Shanghai Noon & Rush Hour). A real stinker from Jackie Chan and a huge disappointment for all his fans.
- DirectorCiarán FoyStarsAneurin BarnardJames CosmoWunmi MosakuAn agoraphobic father teams up with a renegade priest to save his daughter from the clutches of a gang of twisted feral children who committed an act of violence against his family years earlier.A very dreary & interminable horror film. In what has been a fantastic year for horror movies in general with many instant classics to boast of, this languid piece of junk sticks out like a sore thumb.
- DirectorChris ButlerSam FellStarsKodi Smit-McPheeAnna KendrickChristopher Mintz-PlasseA misunderstood boy takes on ghosts, zombies and grown-ups to save his town from a centuries-old curse.A plot shamelessly borrowed from a much loved classic & then butchered to juvenile standards, inconceivable situations & a tedious pace, cumulatively keep surmounting this movie's woes.
- DirectorJonathan LiebesmanStarsSam WorthingtonLiam NeesonRosamund PikePerseus braves the treacherous underworld to rescue his father, Zeus, captured by his son, Ares, and brother Hades who unleash the ancient Titans upon the world.Great visuals & then absolutely nothing else. Predictable, mundane plot; insipid acting - surprisingly even from Liam Neeson & Ralph Fiennes -; & plausibly the most plot holes & narrative flaws that I've seen in a movie in a long, long time.
- DirectorJay DuplassMark DuplassStarsJason SegelEd HelmsJudy GreerDispatched from his basement room on an errand for his widowed mother, slacker Jeff might discover his destiny (finally) when he spends the day with his unhappily married brother as he tracks his possibly adulterous wife.Just one of those weird movies overall. Unbelievable plot, unrealistic motivations, weird circumstances, & antagonizingly pretentious right till the end. Even Jason Segel couldn't save it this time.
- DirectorHabib FaisalStarsArjun KapoorParineeti ChopraGauahar KhanA love story of a passion ignited by hatred. Of two people. Born to hate. Destined to love.Old & insipid wine (read - the film) in a brand new & flashy bottle (read - the trailer). Good message at the end, but the thrill should be in the journey or at least some part of it, & not just in the destination. The publicity guys should be publicly disgraced for feeding us with such a misleading trailer, which made us disorient the entire theme & genre of this film.
- DirectorPaul TanterStarsNick NevernSimon PhillipsRita RamnaniWhen unemployed soccer hooligan Mike Jacobs encounters an old friend during a bloody pregame brawl, he finds the answer to his problems - credit card fraud. But before long, the fast paced world of easy money and beautiful women descends into a violent struggle for survival.Good new spin on a crime yarn, highlighting credit card fraud. But with a plot like that it just meandered down to a mundane & predictable seen-before story-line. And the ending was just too cliched & simply felt extremely contrived & easily achieved.
- DirectorMatthew SpradlinStarsCameron Deane StewartBen BrowderJeffrey SchmidtOn a stormy Saturday afternoon, six students from Crestview Academy begin to meet horrible fates as they serve out their detentions. Is a fellow student to blame, or perhaps Crestview's alleged ghosts are behind the terrible acts?A pseudo-intellectual horror film which always promised in patches to escalate, only to stumble more awkwardly each time. In all fairness, the young cast did an effective job but were grossly let down by some inept Direction. Definitely not worth investing even the paltry 90 mins. of its run time.
- DirectorKabeer KaushikStarsSonu SoodNaseeruddin ShahNeha DhupiaRevolves around two cops who wants be at the top, find themselves at loggerheads with each other whatever it takes to be.Why do class actors & veterans like Naseeruddin Shah not choose better movies? Even the other actors who were part of this pretentious; wannabe dirty-cops' character study; confused & rudderless, but director-convinced gritty crime ensemble, should be more prudent in their film choices as their are all good actors - I'm citing talents like Sood, Dhupia, & Pathak. And just like the only faculty of cinema which I have stressed upon, the singularly noteworthy factor in this snooze-fest were the highly competent performances.
- DirectorMadhur BhandarkarStarsKareena KapoorArjun RampalRandeep HoodaA female superstar struggles through the trials and tribulations of being a Bollywood actress.This is not a bleak portrait of the film industry, its Bhandarkar's interpretation of the Indian Film Industry & its hemmed to satiate the audience's pre-conceived notions, & yes, its as deplorable as the film's plot narration, character development & cliched performances (barring Ranvir Shorey who's delightful in a guest appearance). Kareena has miles to traverse before ever being considered as a legendary & versatile actress. She at best shines in patches, but otherwise is patchy through the rest of her portrayal.
- DirectorChristian BiscegliaAscanio MalgariniStarsHarriet MacMasters-GreenSabrina Jolie PerezJarreth J. MerzA single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history.Scary in parts but dreary and confounding in others. Unfortunately the dreary and confounding parts are excessively more and your interest keeps wavering to a point that you would not care what happens towards the end.
- DirectorDon CoscarelliStarsChase WilliamsonRob MayesPaul GiamattiA new street drug that sends its users across time and dimensions has one drawback: some people return no longer human. Can two college drop-outs save humanity from this silent, otherworldly invasion?An opportunity wasted. Brilliant premise translated into a confounding plot with a sluggish narrative. This one badly needed a better Director.
- DirectorRZAStarsRussell CroweCung LeLucy LiuOn the hunt for a fabled treasure of gold, a band of warriors, assassins, and a rogue British soldier descend upon a village in feudal China, where a humble blacksmith looks to defend himself and his fellow villagers.Over-the-top action, a ludicrous plot, & gratuitous violence define this pathetic excuse for a movie.
- DirectorBela SegalStarsFreny BhagatDinyar ContractorNauheed CyrusiFarhad Pastakia (Boman Irani) has a dream job as a bra-and-panty salesman. Except that he is a 45-year old Parsi bachelor still living with his overbearing mother and grandmother. But it's not like he's stopped trying. Desperate to get him married, Farhad's mother drags him to see women and even to embarrassing Parsi matrimony services. In the midst of all the daily humdrum, Farhad meets the woman of his dreams: Shirin Fugawala ('Farah Khan'), who drops by his store. Shirin, who works at the Parsi Trust, hits it off with Farhad from the start. Everything seems to be perfect and Farhad gets ready to introduce Shirin to his mother. But mummy becomes the villain in their story when she discovers that Shirin is the devious Parsi Trust Secretary who got the illegal water tank in their home demolished. The water tank being the 'aakhri nishaani' of Farhad's late father doesn't help matters. The ups and downs in Shirin-Farhad's relationship and how the two try to make it work is the rest of the journey.Cuteness alone isn't enough to win the hearts of the audience. What began as a novel yarn, descended steeply into monotonous predictability. Barring the performances, all other departments of this film failed miserably. And the message at the end too did not lend any credibility to this insipid tale - how can a son who's mother was his world, suddenly transform & undermine his mother for the sake of a girl who's just recently waltzed into his life, irrespective of whether that girl is right or not? There's got to be other ways of explaining such situations to your mother, or just some fundamental prudence would have avoided the entire fiasco. Not all son's are turn-tails.