Movies I consider to be Bad...
I don't hate a lot of movies (I mean hell, I'm a Michael Bay fan), but these are the movies that I have too many complaints about.
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- DirectorRob MarshallStarsJohnny DeppPenélope CruzIan McShaneJack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth, only to discover that Blackbeard and his daughter are after it too.Quite possibly the laziest blockbuster of all-time. I enjoy the first three "Pirates" films, but this is a rip-off in every sense. I have seen blockbusters that are longer and possibly more generic, but I have yet to see one as unenergetic and downright bland as "On Stranger Tides".
- DirectorJohn McTiernanStarsChris KleinJean RenoLL Cool JThe big thing in 2005 is a violent sport which can have some pretty serious consequences... like dying.The worst assembled movie I've ever seen. But I did laugh, a lot.
- DirectorColin StrauseGreg StrauseStarsReiko AylesworthSteven PasqualeShareeka EppsWarring Alien and Predator races descend on a rural Colorado town, where unsuspecting residents must band together for any chance of survival.Just pure $hit. Badly acted, horribly shot, lazily written, poorly directed. How can you butcher such a simple concept? And how can you make a film that is worse than its' PG-13 predecessor?
- DirectorLarry CharlesStarsSacha Baron CohenGustaf HammarstenClifford BañagaleFlamboyant, gay Austrian Brüno looks for new fame in America.Annoying and repetitive. Sacha Baron Cohen takes the near-genius satire of Borat and turns it into an endless string of gay jokes. Hey guess what, the title character is gay! Did I mention he's gay? One more time: Bruno is Gay!
After Borat, it's clear that Cohen believes America is filled with idiots, I paid to see this (as did many others) so he stands correct.
The best part is the blink and you'll miss it cameo by Harrison Ford. - DirectorWolfgang PetersenStarsRichard DreyfussKurt RussellEmmy RossumOn New Year's Eve, the luxury ocean liner Poseidon capsizes after being swamped by a rogue wave. The survivors are left to fight for their lives as they attempt to escape the sinking ship.
- DirectorValerie BreimanStarsAdam SandlerBilly Bob ThorntonBilly ZaneA struggling young comedian takes a menial job on a cruise ship hoping for his big chance to make it in the world of cruise-ship comedy.Horribly made and unengaging. I shut this off after ten minutes and have never returned.
- DirectorPaul WeitzStarsBen StillerTeri PoloRobert De NiroFamily-patriarch Jack Byrnes wants to appoint a successor. Does his son-in-law, the male nurse Greg Focker, have what it takes?One of the worst mainstream comedies I've ever seen. I enjoyed "Meet the Parents" and "Meet the Fockers", but this thing is just all over the place. I found the humor in the first sequel to be broader, more repetitive and more over-the-top, but nothing prepared me for the mindlessness of this installment. I thought certain jokes would play out (like how real comedies do it) but they just sort of fall over and die. It all plays out like disconnected, bad SNL skits. The joke is introduced and then played out for all its' laughs rather quickly, and then tossed aside like moldy bread.
- DirectorSylvester StalloneStarsSylvester StalloneJason StathamJet LiA CIA operative hires a team of mercenaries to eliminate a Latin dictator and a renegade CIA agent.An unwatchable disappointment. The acting is atrocious, seeing Stallone, Arnold, and Willis on screen together is particularly cringe-worthy, the dialogue is howlingly bad in this scene, and the way it plays out is distracting and blatantly pointless. The action is horribly incoherent and boring. And the worst crime of all, its' incredibly dull, it doesn't even have the "Guilty Pleasure" entertainment value of a "Rambo: First Blood Part II" or "Commando". Just a lazy, unimaginative, time waster.
- DirectorJonathan LiebesmanStarsAaron EckhartMichelle RodriguezBridget MoynahanA squad of U.S. Marines becomes the last line of defense against a global invasion.Shaky cam and smoke machines!
- DirectorPaul W.S. AndersonStarsSanaa LathanLance HenriksenRaoul BovaDuring an archaeological expedition on Bouvetøya Island in Antarctica, a team of archaeologists and other scientists find themselves caught up in a battle between the two legends. Soon, the team realize that only one species can win.Lame, very lame.
- DirectorOliver StoneStarsWoody HarrelsonJuliette LewisTom SizemoreTwo victims of traumatized childhoods become lovers and psychopathic serial murderers irresponsibly glorified by the mass media.The best things about this atrocity, is the enjoyably over the top performances by Robert Downey Jr. and Tommy Lee Jones; the visual style; and the insane prison riot sequence. Other than that, this is an annoying and insulting picture that showcases Stone's weird fetishes for two hours. I wouldn't have a problem with it if it weren't so self-indulgent and repetitive. Stone treats his audience as if they were complete idiots. Not only does he throw in the symbolism and spell it on the t-shirts of the characters (seriously), he actually has them explain it as well.
For two hours Stone tells us that the media creates serial killers. Sorry he doesn't just tell the audience, he hammers it into the brain to the point that you just wish Tarantino was able to adapt his own screenplay. I like a lot of Stone's films, (mainly the ones before NBK) but there is no doubt in my mind that Tarantino would have crafted a far superior product.
Oliver Stone made a stylistically similar film a few years later with "U-Turn", at least he brought actual dark humor to that film. - DirectorJohn SingletonStarsTaylor LautnerLily CollinsAlfred MolinaA young man sets out to uncover the truth about his life after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.From the Director of "Boyz in the Hood"?
- DirectorRichard LesterStarsChristopher ReeveRichard PryorMargot KidderSynthetic kryptonite laced with tar splits Superman in two: good Clark Kent and bad Man of Steel.Quite dull for a Superman movie. Richard Pryor must have stumbled on the wrong sets. He doesn't seem to be in the same movie as everyone else, and the movie lingers on him far too long (he might have more screentime than Reeve). Don't get me wrong, it has its' moments (Clark returning to Smallville, the Lana scenes are nicely done, and Clark vs. Superman is pure trippy awesome) but they are too far and in between. "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" may be worse, but it's miles more entertaining than this.
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsMatthew BroderickJean RenoMaria PitilloFrench nuclear tests irradiate an iguana into a giant monster that heads off to New York City. The American military must chase the monster across the city to stop it before it reproduces.I wanted Godzilla to eat every human in this movie. Maybe save Ferris and Moe, but I hated, hated just about every person in this movie.
Even as a defender of the Transformers movies, I can't even say anything nice about Godzilla '98. If the Sam/Mikaela/Sam/Carly romance was too much for those films, it doesn't compare to lifelessness of the Nick/Audrey dynamic of Godzilla. At least Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington-Victoria's Secret model, were admittedly nice eye-candy (if over-exposed) and had something to do in the plot (very, very little, but something) rather than just be annoying. Audrey is just a bitch the whole movie. When her and Nick finally appear on screen together we find out that she left Nick without saying anything at all. Was he a jerk? Was he too into his work? We never find out, so the audience can only assume it was because she's a bitch. Oh and she steals Nick's Top Secret video of exposition and gets him kicked out of the whole operation by putting it on the news for a promotion. Again, Bitch.
I can't even defend the pure popcorn elements. The action is dull and uninvolving. The action of a Transformers movie is at the very least, visually stunning and visceral.
Final note: This movie sucks so bad even the Siskel and Ebert joke lacks imagination. I'm not jumping on the critic bandwagon or anything but I find it hilarious that the real duo went on air to say how lame of an attempt it was to put them down, as Godzilla didn't eat them. - DirectorDennis DuganStarsAdam SandlerJennifer AnistonBrooklyn DeckerOn a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend.Another Sandler trainwreck. I like some of the guy's movies but lately his smugness has become too much for me to handle. Case in point: Just Go with It. Does Adam Sandler really think he plays likable human beings?
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsDemi MooreRob LoweAndrew McCarthyA group of friends, just out of college, struggle with adulthood.Just a bit irritating, but it gave me a few chuckles. The climax of the movie is completely insane in an '80s soap opera way. Its actually somewhat enjoyable.
- DirectorMcGStarsChristian BaleSam WorthingtonAnton YelchinIn 2018, a mysterious new weapon in the war against the machines, half-human and half-machine, comes to John Connor on the eve of a resistance attack on Skynet. But whose side is he on, and can he be trusted?I only kinda hate this movie. It's too smug and sure of itself as an entry in the franchise and so much of the whole concept of this movie is wasted. It doesn't even go for the full-on insanity of the Transformers sequels, it's just pretending to be more than it is, but it's not even better than T3.