MOVIES THAT WILL SURELY GET YOU LAID*
*Offer not good in Arkansas; I'm sorry, you're just not good looking.
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- DirectorNick CassavetesStarsGena RowlandsJames GarnerRachel McAdamsAn elderly man reads to a woman with dementia the story of two young lovers whose romance is threatened by the difference in their respective social classes.Look at me. Hey! You can do this, okay? You can make it through the whole thing. Look at me! Yes you can! If it makes you feel better, they die at the end.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHenry ThomasDrew BarrymorePeter CoyoteA troubled child summons the courage to help a friendly alien escape from Earth and return to his home planet.Don't be afraid to cry in front of her. And this will make you cry in a way that makes you look like the sensetive dude you are. And if she's turned off... Then she's bad news to begin with. It's ET for crying out loud!
- DirectorRidley ScottStarsSusan SarandonGeena DavisHarvey KeitelTwo best friends set out on an adventure, but it soon turns around to a terrifying escape from being hunted by the police, as these two women escape for the crimes they committed.Its about female empowerment you fool! Also it's good. But the ace in the hole is that guy. You know what guy. Don't play that game buddy.
- DirectorMcGStarsCameron DiazDrew BarrymoreLucy LiuThree women, detectives with a mysterious boss, retrieve stolen voice-ID software, using martial arts, tech skills, and sex appeal.I don't know why. It worked for me. Maybe because it was so crappy that we just needed to entertain ourselves instead.
- DirectorWes CravenStarsNeve CampbellCourteney CoxDavid ArquetteA year after the murder of her mother, a teenage girl is terrorized by a masked killer who targets her and her friends by using scary movies as part of a deadly game.No no. Keep the mask on.
- DirectorJames CameronStarsLeonardo DiCaprioKate WinsletBilly ZaneA seventeen-year-old aristocrat falls in love with a kind but poor artist aboard the luxurious, ill-fated R.M.S. Titanic.Okay, so it's three plus hours. This gives you plenty of time to close the deal. And you're gonna wanna do so by then, because the underlying point of the movie is that actual romance is the the ultimate in unattainableness. But fear not, the sketching scene and the car scene are good aphrodisiacs. And if that fails, just do Billy Zane imitations.
- DirectorPenny MarshallStarsTom HanksElizabeth PerkinsRobert LoggiaAfter wishing to be made big, a teenage boy wakes the next morning to find himself mysteriously in the body of an adult.Show her your inner child. Then make her spank him.
- DirectorMartin ScorseseStarsRobert De NiroRay LiottaJoe PesciThe story of Henry Hill and his life in the mafia, covering his relationship with his wife Karen and his mob partners Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito.Um, because it's Goodfellas and it's effing awesome, okay?!
- DirectorRandal KleiserStarsJohn TravoltaOlivia Newton-JohnStockard ChanningGood girl Sandy Olsson and greaser Danny Zuko fell in love over the summer. When they unexpectedly discover they're now in the same high school, will they be able to rekindle their romance?We're gonna file this under the "because I'm desperate that's why!!"
- DirectorRoger MichellStarsHugh GrantJulia RobertsRichard McCabeA set of circumstances makes Anna Scott, a famous actress, fall in love with William Thacker, owner of a bookstore in Notting Hill. But the paparazzi's fascination with her complicates their bond.Look, why should you be putting so much effort into this. Why not let Hugh Grant do some of the lifting? Put your feet up and do the yawn move. While you're at it, actually yawn.
- DirectorJerry ZuckerStarsPatrick SwayzeDemi MooreWhoopi GoldbergAfter a young man is murdered, his spirit stays behind to warn his lover of impending danger, with the help of a reluctant psychic.I know what you're thinking. "Hey, if I'm gonna watch a Swayze movie with her, it's gonna be where he's a bank robbing surfer or a bar bouncer that crushes the iron fists of small hick towns. Or a wolverine." I mean how else is she gonna see YOUR inner Swayze? Well, stop it. Stop. Suck it up champ and let him cast his spell, Swayze style. Speaking of which...
- DirectorEmile ArdolinoStarsPatrick SwayzeJennifer GreyJerry OrbachSpending the summer at a Catskills resort with her family, Frances "Baby" Houseman falls in love with the camp's dance instructor, Johnny Castle.See #11
- DirectorFrank CoraciStarsAdam SandlerDrew BarrymoreChristine TaylorRobbie, a singer, and Julia, a waitress, are both engaged, but to the wrong people. Fortune intervenes to help them discover each other.Yeah. I don't get it either. Such are the mysteries of the universe.
- DirectorClint EastwoodStarsClint EastwoodBee VangChristopher CarleyAfter a Hmong teenager tries to steal his prized 1972 Gran Torino, a disgruntled, prejudiced Korean War veteran seeks to redeem both the boy and himself.Seems kinda outta left field, right? Yet not really. Not when you think about it.
PS. Don't think about it. - DirectorNicolas Winding RefnStarsRyan GoslingCarey MulliganBryan CranstonA mysterious Hollywood action film stuntman gets in trouble with gangsters when he tries to help his neighbor's husband rob a pawn shop while serving as his getaway driver.This is a win-win. The movie rocks, and it's got the dude from The Notebook. You're welcome.
- DirectorDonald PetrieStarsKate HudsonMatthew McConaugheyAdam GoldbergBenjamin Barry is an advertising executive and ladies' man who, to win a big campaign, bets that he can make a woman fall in love with him in 10 days.I know, I know. Why not just snort Comet off Grandmas belly? That should be as equally excruciating. But, and this CAN go awry mind you, she at some point will realize that she HAS to do you. She owes it to you. Yes, I'm saying this movie is so bad it's essentially a pimp. Which makes it sound cool. And it's not. It's bad.
- DirectorTobe HooperStarsMarilyn BurnsEdwin NealAllen DanzigerFive friends head out to rural Texas to visit the grave of a grandfather. On the way they stumble across what appears to be a deserted house, only to discover something sinister within. Something armed with a chainsaw.Because chicks dig the bad boys. And he's a bad boy.
- DirectorTony ScottStarsTom CruiseTim RobbinsKelly McGillisAs students at the United States Navy's elite fighter weapons school compete to be best in the class, one daring young pilot learns a few things from a civilian instructor that are not taught in the classroom.I never said this list had to be guy/girl. This movie actually works for all preferences. It's universal that way.
- DirectorCatherine HardwickeStarsKristen StewartRobert PattinsonBilly BurkeWhen Bella Swan moves to a small town in the Pacific Northwest, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a mysterious classmate who reveals himself to be a 108-year-old vampire.The movies on. You look at her. She looks at you, but you look away. She looks at Edward. Edward looks at Bella. Edward looks away. Bella looks away. You look at her. She looks at you. You smile. She smiles. She looks away. She looks at Edward. Edward looks at Bella... It goes on like this for a while.
- DirectorBarbra StreisandStarsBarbra StreisandNick NolteBlythe DannerA troubled man talks to his suicidal sister's psychiatrist about their family history and falls in love with her in the process.Okay, I haven't seen this one. I haven't seen a few of these. Maybe that's why I don't get much action. Huh.