The absolute worst of 2013
While I always have lists for the good films and some other truly memorable movies every year, the hugely disproportionate ratio tilted towards the mediocre to the downright deplorable films annually, has urged me to compile this list of of bad movies from the year, 2013. Monumental disasters in most of the departments of filmmaking, these films failed to provide even something remotely resembling mild entertainment (let's not even get into their technical aspects).
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- DirectorHarmony KorineStarsVanessa HudgensSelena GomezAshley BensonFour college girls hold up a restaurant in order to fund their spring break vacation. While partying, drinking, and taking drugs, they are arrested, only to be bailed out by a drug and arms dealer.Not just the worst movie this year, but one of the worst movie of all time. The Director inexplicably believes that torturing us through endless and random snippets which culminate in an incoherent mess, will somehow get us all enthused for his pseudo-intelligent, inarticulate, rambling style of narrative. The only flimsy piece of silver lining is the somewhat decent performances, which eventually get overlooked due to the horrendous quality and monumental failure of this film in every other department. James Franco, what were you thinking by associating yourself with this soporific, pretentious, heap of garbage.
- DirectorScott StewartStarsKeri RussellJake BrennanJosh HamiltonAs the Barrett family's peaceful suburban life is rocked by an escalating series of disturbing events, they come to learn that a terrifying and deadly force is after them, one which may have arrived from beyond the stars.Mediocre, mundane horror movie with a haunted house plot that has been done to death. Unlike some really good films or even mildly entertaining ones in this category, the derived plot lacks an interesting narrative or an eerie atmosphere, and just meanders down a predictable, dreary path.
- DirectorK.S. RavikumarStarsSanjay DuttPrachi DesaiPrakash RajDCP Rudra faces a bunch of challenges after he locks horns with a notorious criminal Nagori Subramanium.Another insipid and rancid mash-up of everything thrown in for lack of a coherent plot device and an absence of basic common sense. That's it, I'm not going to waste any more of my precious time on writing a severely critical review on this pathetic excuse of a pseudo-masala entertainer, attempting for another dash-and-grab con job at the 100-crore jackpot.
- DirectorZal BatmanglijStarsBrit MarlingAlexander SkarsgårdElliot PageAn operative for an elite private intelligence firm finds her priorities changing dramatically after she is tasked with infiltrating an anarchist group known for executing covert attacks upon major corporations.A bland and dreary spy film minus all the spy work and intrigue. Can somebody please tell me what's all the fuss about?
- DirectorM. Night ShyamalanStarsJaden SmithDavid DenmanWill SmithA crash landing leaves Kitai Raige and his father Cypher stranded on Earth, a millennium after events forced humanity's escape. With Cypher injured, Kitai must embark on a perilous journey to signal for help.It's M. Night Shyamlan, so what did you expect? But then again it was Will Smith, so there were moderate expectations. Alas, it was still M. Night Shyamlan, so it was silly of us to expect Will Smith to even try and overcome Mr. Shyamlan's inimitable expertise of foiling good concepts and anticipatory plot-lines.
- DirectorShane BlackStarsRobert Downey Jr.Guy PearceGwyneth PaltrowWhen Tony Stark's world is torn apart by a formidable terrorist called the Mandarin, he starts an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution.The Good - RDJ is great as usual and is well supported by the remarkable Guy Pearce. Some, and only some one-liners hit the mark. The action and visual effects are a dazzling treat to behold. And that's the end of it. There is nothing else in this movie that is truly good to write home about.
The Bad - Where to even begin? This is one awful movie that shall take the studio a lot of soul-searching and fundamental reworking (irrespective of how much money this movie rakes in), in order to even attempt getting this great superhero franchise back on track. The direction is so shoddy that any recently passed, film school alumnus could have done a better job. The plot, characterization, story arc, and narration are simply all over the place and meander along a confounding, restless, and disoriented path.
Quite simply, one of the worst superhero movies ever, and a real blemish on the reputation of the classic 1st installment and the vastly superior 2nd installment. - DirectorSpencer ParsonsStarsJonny MarsJosephine DeckerAdam Wyatt TateA dark and bloody parody about a Scooby-Doo-like team of paranormal investigators and their devoted dog. With the crew nearing bankruptcy, they're hired to get to the bottom of a series of spooky events at the remote Kyser mansion, an old religious school plagued by rumors of satanism and ritualistic murder. They're experts at debunking ghost stories, so they get right to work, and despite the ominous signs that this isn't just another greedy land-developer or bitter landlord, they set up to stay the night. When the sun goes down, the truth comes out: this place might actually be haunted...by sadistic spirits or something much, much deadlier.Supposed to be a horror comedy. It ended up being a horribly unfunny excuse for a film. Seriously, what's happening to independent cinema nowadays. And to think that this atrocity had the gall to claim inspiration from the classic animated show "Scooby Doo, Where Are You!". Oh, the preposterous lengths of brazen shamelessness some people will go to, just to garner a bit of interest in their lackluster films.
- DirectorMilan LuthriaStarsAkshay KumarImran KhanSonakshi SinhaAfter killing his mentor, a gangster comes into power to rule over Mumbai. In the process he falls for an aspiring actress, nevertheless he finds that his protege has fallen for her too which leads to enmity between them.One of the worst gangster films ever. What's bewildering is that the Director, producer, writer, editor, and basically the entire crew excluding the cast are all exactly the same. And going by the Director's and writer's track records, the prequel was certainly no fluke. Maybe just one of those films that just didn't work out right from the onset - probably an aberration on their resume. Finally to Mr. Akshay Kumar, why oh why do you do this time and time again? Follow up one quality film (in this case the spectacular "Special 26") with two to three turkeys (and I'm not even talking about box-office perfomance over here). I'm already beginning to shudder at what "Boss" is going to turn out like. Another thing that's finally put to rest with this film is the debate over Mr. Kumar's acting chops. He's proven many a time before that he's a good actor. But with this film he also proves that he's good, but not a great actor - because he simply doesn't seem convincing in the hard-hitting, serious portrayal of a real-life mafiosi (an act that a much junior actor like Emraan Hashmi pulled off with confidence, elan, and oodles of conviction). Guess, he should stick to lighter films like "Special 26" or action roles like the ones in "Khakee" and the "Khiladi" series.
- DirectorChris BuckJennifer LeeStarsKristen BellIdina MenzelJonathan GroffFearless optimist Anna teams up with rugged mountain man Kristoff and his loyal reindeer Sven in an epic journey to find Anna's sister Elsa, whose icy powers have trapped the kingdom of Arendelle in eternal winter.The worst Disney movie of all time, barring none - period. A contrived, manipulative, and trite attempt at being cute, cuddly, and melodramatic. Even the songs (barring one; the superbly rendered "Let it Go" number) - a hallmark of the Disney bastion - seem arbitrary, superfluous, and wantonly composed for lack of a better plot element. There was a time when Disney could seamlessly pull off the sweet and endearing musical routine without trying too hard. But off late, their recent offerings (excluding the terrific "Wreck it Ralph") desperately seem to be making an effort to induce us into believing that their characters are all too warm, fuzzy and want to perpetually break out into a musical jig for want of a better option. Their last few efforts might have just passed enough muster to be seen, forgiven, and forgotten soon after. Frozen has however, lowered the bar several notches below those easily forgivable and forgettable Disney outings.
- DirectorRichard SchenkmanStarsNoell CoetDaniel Hugh KellyCharlie O'ConnellYoung Emily Walton, who has suffered from psychosomatic blindness ever since the car accident that took her mother's life, must summon every instinct at her disposal to protect herself and her loved ones from a mysterious intruder.A mediocre, run-of-the-mill horror film, with a done-to-death plot, flimsy back-story, and completely derivative scare elements, which we can now conjure up ourselves even in a state of slumber. This weak endeavor at chilling our senses might have encountered some moderate success 10 to 15 years ago, but now with the gargantuan influx of myriad horror films that have flooded our cinema halls and DVD shelves, such a derivative film must at least be treated uniquely and the characters need to be given some depth to make it enjoyable for the viewers.
- DirectorCody CameronKris PearnStarsBill HaderAnna FarisWill ForteFlint Lockwood now works at The Live Corp Company for his idol Chester V. But he's forced to leave his post when he learns that his most infamous machine is still operational, and is churning out menacing food-animal hybrids.The first film was bizarre, but well executed and utterly delightful. The second film is even more bizarre (not in a good way), but poorly executed, shoddily scripted, thoroughly confounded at what it aims to be, and utterly soporific. Even kids beyond the age of eight, would find it tiresome to sit through this bland disappointment.
- DirectorGonzalo López-GallegoStarsSharlto CopleyThomas KretschmannJosie HoA man wakes up with no memory in a pit full of dead bodies in the wilderness and must determine if the murderer is one of the strangers who rescued him, or if he himself is the killer.Classic case of a good plot being saddled by tedious pacing to the point of almost being totally soporific and degenerative to the story arc and development of the characters.
- DirectorRobert SchwentkeStarsRyan ReynoldsJeff BridgesMary-Louise ParkerA cop killed by his own partner joins RIPD, an afterlife law enforcement department working to apprehend various monsters disguised as humans living on earth, and gets paired up with a smart-mouthed veteran.Excruciatingly bad, shoddily scripted, confusingly directed, disproportionately paced, and inanely shot. Disappointing turn from a promising Director (he did make "Red: & "Flightplan" too wasn't that bad). Even the great Jeff Bridges' inherent charisma couldn't save this monumental disaster of a film.
- DirectorVijay Krishna AcharyaStarsAamir KhanKatrina KaifAbhishek BachchanJai and Ali return to catch the clown thief, Sahir, who has targeted various branches of the Western Bank of Chicago.I agree that audiences shouldn't complain about an action movie's lack of plot or well-constructed story narrative. As long as it has a bunch of awesomely choreographed action sequences that are properly strung together with a comprehensible premise, the movie should suffice. Well, "Dhoom 3" doesn't even have decent action scenes, just slick looking jargon that completely defies logic or the laws of physics. Moreover, there isn't even a semblance of effort to piece them together; they are simply all over the place. And please, let's not even begin to scrounge for any vestiges of a comprehensible plot-line to follow. I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes, Uday Chopra is the only good part of the abysmal "Dhoom 3". He at least extracts the intermittent laugh, snicker, or mild guffaw from you. Just goes to show how the movie atrociously failed at all levels. This entry has in all probability rung the official death knell of a super-stylish and very entertaining Bollywood action franchise.
- DirectorSanjay Leela BhansaliStarsRanveer SinghDeepika PadukoneSupriya PathakModern adaptation of William Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' with an Indian twist, the film focuses on the story of Ram and Leela, their love, lust and the drama afterwards.Sanjay Leela Bhansali is back to his pretentious, self-indulgent, pseudo-psychological best. Deepika as usual tries her level best but just about passes muster. What does the make the movie bearable to a certain extent are Supriya Pathak's and Ranveer Singh's sterling, rustic, Gujrati turnovers. Supriya Pathak gives ample proof why she's one of our industry's most underutilized prized performers. While Ranveer Singh displays oodles of unbridled confidence, silken chutzpah, inescapable charm, relatable earnestness, and raw emotions to convince us beyond doubt that here's a thoroughbred leading man come to entertain us for a long, long time. Unfortunately, "Ramleela" is a classic case of two superlative acts trapped in a very mediocre film.
- DirectorValeri MilevStarsPaul LoganManal El-FeituryMya-Lecia NaylorA Special Forces soldier is sent into Bulgaria when a chemical agent from WWII is uncovered that can reanimate the dead.Just another addition to that overflowing cesspool of inane indie zombie movies.
- DirectorChad Crawford KinkleStarsSean BridgersLauren Ashley CarterKaitlin CullumWhen she learns the supernatural pit worshipped by her remote community in the woods has demanded her as a blood sacrifice, Ada struggles to find a way to survive, while the pit lashes out in anger.One of those weird independent horror movies that start of by promising a lot, but end up delivering very little. Sadly, we are getting too many of such horror films from the independent machine of late.
- DirectorSebastián CorderoStarsSharlto CopleyMichael NyqvistChristian CamargoAn international crew of astronauts undertakes a privately funded mission to search for life on Jupiter's fourth largest moon.Scientific realism and detailed authenticity in a sci-fi film is more than welcome. Greater precedence to accurate scientific aspects in favor of fictitious elements is also acceptable. But, what is most definitely a glaring folly, is when a film-maker chooses to completely ignore the fiction portion of a sci-fi film. What we end up with is a soporific scientific documentary on space travel, which would have been interesting if it hadn't promised us an adventurous story along with it.
- DirectorSeth GordonStarsJason BatemanMelissa McCarthyJohn ChoMild mannered businessman Sandy Patterson travels from Denver to Florida to confront the deceptively harmless looking woman who has been living it up after stealing Sandy's identity.Totally unfunny, completely abrasive, & wholly abhorring. Even the affable performances from the two leads couldn't salvage this deplorable attempt at a feel-good comedy.
- DirectorJon M. ChuStarsDwayne JohnsonChanning TatumAdrianne PalickiThe G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.Loud, noisy, brainless, plot-less, anything goes kind of action movie. While the prequel was one of the most pure adrenaline-pumping, heart-pounding action films to emerge in recent times, this sequel is nothing but a damp squib. Even The Rock & Willis could not salvage this CGI laden mess irrespective of how hard they tried. Guess we now know why Tatum agreed to his character being bumped off within the 1st half hour itself.
- DirectorRohan SippyStarsAyushmann KhurranaKunaal Roy KapurPooja SalviRam, a successful theatre artist, saves Mandar from committing suicide. He then ends up developing a special bond with Mandar and even helps solve his problems.What's worse than a bad film, a film that had great potential, only to be squandered in the hands of an incompetent Director and be rendered as a totally forgettable piece of hokum. In spite of Aayushmann's and Kunaal Roy Kapur's gallant efforts (let's not even begin to talk about the lead actress' performance), this is exactly the fate borne by the film - even though it has a good script - just because wannabe retro Director, Rohan Sippy, cannot tap into his own perspective, and helms yet another failed endeavor (his previous duds include 'Kuch Naa Kaho', 'Bluffmaster', & the terrible 'Dum Maaro Dum') at delivering a cool, retrospective movie. Jr. Sippy has to finally realize that he just cannot make films like his illustrious Dad, & its high time he carves his own niche. Up until now, all he's been doing is failing miserably at trying to recreate the great 70's & 80's cinematic accomplishments of his father.
- DirectorRidley ScottStarsMichael FassbenderPenélope CruzCameron DiazA lawyer finds himself in over his head when he gets involved in drug trafficking.Surprisingly bad considering the combined talents of one of cinema's greatest Directors -Ridley Scott - and one Hollywood's preeminent scriptwriters - Cormac McCarthy being involved in the same project. The ambition is markedly evident right from the onset. But alas, "The Counselor" is an inarticulately plotted, shoddily scripted, tediously paced, and poorly executed excuse for a ensemble crime drama. A sheer waste of the gifted star cast and one of Sir Ridley's least creative and unimaginably abysmal films.
- DirectorAbhinav KashyapStarsRanbir KapoorPallavi ShardaRishi KapoorA car thief falls in love with a woman whose car he has stolen.There is a limit to being "over the top". Sadly, "Besharam" shoots itself in the foot by surpassing that limit, someway midway through the film. This one just about misses the bus.