The Spoony One's Written Reviews
Comedy gold that can no longer be found on his website. So here is the archive from the wayback machine.
https://web.archive.org/web/20070101065219/http://www.spoonyexperiment.com/rants
https://web.archive.org/web/20070101065219/http://www.spoonyexperiment.com/rants
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58 titles
- DirectorKatsuhiro ÔtomoStarsMitsuo IwataNozomu SasakiMami KoyamaA secret military project endangers Neo-Tokyo when it turns a biker gang member into a rampaging psychic psychopath who can only be stopped by a teenager, his gang of biker friends and a group of psychics.
- DirectorJean-Pierre JeunetStarsSigourney WeaverWinona RyderDominique PinonTwo centuries after her death, a powerful human/alien hybrid clone of Ellen Ripley aids a crew of space pirates in stopping the aliens from reaching Earth.
- DirectorUwe BollStarsChristian SlaterTara ReidStephen DorffA detective of the paranormal slowly unravels mysterious events with deadly results.
- DirectorLuis LlosaStarsJon VoightJennifer LopezEric StoltzA "National Geographic" film crew is taken hostage by an insane hunter, who forces them along on his quest to capture the world's largest - and deadliest - snake.
- DirectorPaul W.S. AndersonStarsSanaa LathanLance HenriksenRaoul BovaDuring an archaeological expedition on Bouvetøya Island in Antarctica, a team of archaeologists and other scientists find themselves caught up in a battle between the two legends. Soon, the team realize that only one species can win.
- CreatorGlen A. LarsonRonald D. MooreStarsEdward James OlmosMary McDonnellJamie BamberWhen an old enemy, the Cylons, resurface and obliterate the 12 colonies, the crew of the aged Galactica protect a small civilian fleet - the last of humanity - as they journey toward the fabled 13th colony, Earth.
- DirectorSiu-Tung ChingStarsSteven SeagalByron MannMonica LoAn ex-CIA agent's quest to find his kidnapped daughter leads him on a trail of political intrigue, corruption, danger and betrayal; he will stop at nothing to save her.
- DirectorUwe BollStarsKristanna LokenBen KingsleyMichelle RodriguezIn the eighteenth century, a vampire escapes from the freak show, in which she once participated, and teams up with a group of vampire slayers to kill the man who raped her mother.
- DirectorEli RothStarsJordan LaddRider StrongJames DeBelloFive college graduates rent a cabin in the woods and begin to fall victim to a horrifying flesh-eating virus, which attracts the unwanted attention of the homicidal locals.
- DirectorTerry CunninghamStarsNick CornishVanessa MarcilAdrian PaulAmerica's best player is being pulled in to the ultimate cyber-terror. The game's mastermind has stolen his identity, put him on the FBI's Most Wanted List, and is blackmailing him to take a part in a real twisted plan of world destruction. With just hours left, can the code be broken to save the world from total annihilation?
- DirectorAlex ProyasStarsBrandon LeeMichael WincottRochelle DavisA man brutally murdered comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée's murder.
- DirectorTim PopeStarsVincent PerezMia KirshnerRichard BrooksThe spirit of the Crow resurrects another man seeking revenge for the murder of his son.
- DirectorBharat NalluriStarsKirsten DunstWilliam AthertonDebbie FanAlex Corvis returns to the world of the living to solve the murder of a young woman that he was wrongly accused of.
- DirectorLance MungiaStarsYuji OkumotoMarcus ChongTito OrtizOn his way to becoming an immortal demon, a gang leader orchestrates the murder of an ex-con and his girlfriend.
- DirectorRenny HarlinStarsGeena DavisMatthew ModineFrank LangellaA female pirate and her companion race against their rivals to find a hidden island that contains a fabulous treasure.
- DirectorHideo NakataStarsHitomi KurokiRio KannoMirei OguchiA mother and her 6-year-old daughter move into a creepy apartment whose every surface is permeated by water.
- DirectorAndrzej BartkowiakStarsKarl UrbanRosamund PikeDwayne JohnsonSpace Marines are sent to investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars but find themselves at the mercy of genetically enhanced killing machines.
- DirectorJames YukichStarsRobert PatrickMark DacascosScott WolfTwo brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman. An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers' half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power.
- DirectorCourtney SolomonStarsJustin WhalinJeremy IronsZoe McLellanProfion, a tyrant, attempts to overthrow a peaceful kingdom ruled by a tough empress.
- DirectorGerry LivelyStarsBruce PayneMark DymondClemency Burton-HillTogether, four heroes build their own army to retrieve the orb, using elemental forces to defeat Damodar before he summons the sleeping black dragon.
- DirectorToshiharu IkedaStarsMiyuki OnoAya KatsuragiHitomi KobayashiA late night TV presenter receives a snuff tape, in which a woman is brutally killed. She decides to take a crew out to a location indicated in the tape, but only death and despair await them.
- DirectorTim StoryStarsIoan GruffuddMichael ChiklisChris EvansA group of astronauts gain superpowers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Victor Von Doom.
- DirectorRob HeddenStarsJensen DaggettKane HodderTodd CaldecottJason Voorhees is accidentally awakened from his watery grave and ends up stalking a ship full of graduating high-school students headed to Manhattan, New York.
- DirectorIain SoftleyStarsJonny Lee MillerAngelina JolieJesse BradfordTeenage hackers discover a criminal conspiracy with plans to use a computer virus that will capsize five oil tankers.
- DirectorTerry MarcelStarsJack PalanceJohn TerryBernard BresslawWith the aid of his companions, a man seeks to defeat his evil brother who has taken a nun hostage.
- DirectorRussell MulcahyStarsChristopher LambertSean ConneryClancy BrownAn immortal Scottish swordsman must confront the last of his immortal opponents, a murderously brutal barbarian who lusts for the fabled "Prize".
- DirectorRussell MulcahyStarsChristopher LambertSean ConneryVirginia MadsenIn the future, Highlander Connor MacLeod must prevent the destruction of Earth under an anti-ozone shield.
- DirectorAndrew MorahanStarsChristopher LambertMario Van PeeblesDeborah Kara UngerDeceived that he had won the Prize, Connor MacLeod awakens from a peaceful life when an entombed immortal magician comes seeking the Highlander.
- DirectorDouglas AarniokoskiStarsChristopher LambertAdrian PaulBruce PayneImmortals Connor and Duncan MacLeod must join forces against Kell, an evil immortal who has become too strong for anyone to face alone.
- DirectorClaudio FähStarsChristian SlaterPeter FacinelliLaura ReganA Seattle detective and a biologist are on the run from a dangerous invisible assassin gone rogue.
- DirectorUwe BollStarsJonathan CherryTyron LeitsoClint HowardA group of college students travels to a mysterious island to attend a rave, which is soon taken over by bloodthirsty zombies.
- DirectorMasayuki OchiaiStarsMichiko HadaMari HoshinoTae KimuraINFECTION takes place in a dark, isolated hospital, where a doctor's mistake has led to dire consequences for a patient.
- DirectorJoseph ZitoStarsChuck NorrisRichard LynchMelissa ProphetA one-man army comes to the rescue when the United States are invaded by communists.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsScarlett JohanssonEwan McGregorDjimon HounsouA man living in a futuristic sterile colony begins to question his circumscribed existence when his friend is chosen to go to the Island, the last uncontaminated place on earth.
- DirectorLarry G. SpanglerStarsJack ElamRuth RomanJeff CooperA private detective travels out west to investigate the murders of several prostitutes, facing off against the reluctance of the town's grizzled sheriff, and several suspicious characters, each with something to hide.
- DirectorJoe CastroStarsAaron GaffeyKyle YaskinNadia AngeliniJack Magnus is a successful businessman who periodically does drugs with his best friend Mike. When Mike takes some bad stuff, Jack panics and leaves him to die. His guilt eventually causes him to become a full fledged, utterly pathetic junkie. After being force fed a particularly nasty brew by a vindictive supplier, Jack seems to only grow stronger, surviving the ordeal and living on to become a crazed jackhammer killer. He's now utterly paranoid, believing that everybody is out to get him, with his paranoia manifested in visions of his dead friend.
- DirectorTakashi ShimizuStarsMegumi OkinaMisaki ItôMisa UeharaA mysterious and vengeful spirit marks and pursues anybody who dares enter the house in which it resides.
- DirectorGeorge A. RomeroStarsJohn LeguizamoAsia ArgentoSimon BakerThe living dead have taken over the world, and the last humans live in a walled city to protect themselves as they come to grips with the situation.
- DirectorShugo FujiiStarsHirohito HondaYoshiko ShiraishiRumiYasu is a teenage wheelchair user. His grandmother and her granddaughter are truly cruel sadists, intent on subjecting trapped Yasu to the most violent treatment imaginable while the rest of his family is not around.
- DirectorLana WachowskiLilly WachowskiStarsKeanu ReevesLaurence FishburneCarrie-Anne MossThe human city of Zion defends itself against the massive invasion of the machines as Neo fights to end the war at another front while also opposing the rogue Agent Smith.
- DirectorSteven Hilliard SternStarsTom HanksWendy CrewsonDavid WysockiBound together by a desire to play "Mazes and Monsters," Robbie and his three college classmates decide to move the board game into the local legendary cavern.
- CreatorDonald P. BellisarioDon McGillStarsDavid McCallumSean MurrayMark HarmonFollows the Major Case Response Team (MCRT) from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS), as they get to the bottom of criminal cases connected to Navy and Marine Corps personnel.
- DirectorByeong-ki AhnStarsHa Ji-WonKim Yu-miWoo-jae ChoiInvestigative reporter Ji-won begins to receive a series of menacing calls. To escape the terrifying and relentless clanging of the telephone, she changes her number and moves out. But the threatening campaign of terror continues unabated.
- DirectorPrachya PinkaewStarsTony JaaNathan JonesXing JinA young fighter named Kham must go to Australia to retrieve his stolen elephant. With the help of a Thai-born Australian detective, Kham must take on all comers, including a gang led by an evil woman and her two deadly bodyguards.
- DirectorScott ZiehlStarsJohnathon SchaechEllen HollmanRichard NortonWhile he's deep undercover in New York, DEA agent Shane Tanner, the son of a legendary cooler named Dalton, learns that his uncle Nate Tanner got beat up by a group of men because he doesn't want to sell the Black Pelican, his bar in Tyree, Louisiana. Shane takes off for Louisiana to find out who attacked Nate. Shane decides to stay in Nate's house for the time being, and run the Black Pelican in Nate's absence, much to the dismay of former Black Pelican cooler Bill "Wild Bill" Decarie. Wild Bill wants to buy the Black Pelican since it's located in a prime location for running drugs. The Black Pelican is close to the border, it's between Florida and Texas, and it's in an area where drugs can be smuggled pretty much undetected. But Shane doesn't want to sell, and damages the numerous thugs that Bill sends his way. Also, Dalton was murdered years ago, and Shane still wonders who killed Dalton. When Shane was a rookie state trooper in Tyree, Shane had come home from work one night, and found Dalton fatally shot. After that, Shane left town and became a DEA agent. Now, Wild Bill's boss, Miami crime syndicate kingpin Victor Crost, decides that it's time to handle matters personally, because Wild Bill's men are not doing a good job of it. Shane is soon faced with impossible odds and a low number of staff members at the Black Pelican. To rid Louisiana of Victor, Wild Bill, and their organization, Shane teams up with local school teacher Beau Hampton, who is a regular at the Black Pelican.
- DirectorDavid SteimanStarsBill GoldbergDouglas SmithEmilie de RavinSanta Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
- DirectorJoss WhedonStarsNathan FillionGina TorresChiwetel EjioforThe crew of the ship Serenity try to evade an assassin sent to recapture telepath River.
- DirectorGeorge LucasStarsHayden ChristensenNatalie PortmanEwan McGregorThree years into the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan Kenobi pursues a new threat, while Anakin Skywalker is lured by Chancellor Palpatine into a sinister plot to rule the galaxy.
- DirectorPaul VerhoevenStarsCasper Van DienDenise RichardsDina MeyerHumans, in a fascist militaristic future, wage war with giant alien bugs.
- DirectorSteven E. de SouzaStarsJean-Claude Van DammeRaul JuliaMing-Na WenIn the midst of a civil war in South East Asia, a general intensifies the climate of violence by kidnapping 63 UN delegates. To free the hostages, a colonel leads a group of fighters, who will have to use all their skills to be successful.
- DirectorBryan SingerStarsBrandon RouthKevin SpaceyKate BosworthSuperman returns to Earth after spending five years in space examining his homeworld Krypton. But he finds things have changed while he was gone, and he must once again prove himself important to the world.
- DirectorAtaru OikawaStarsMiho KannoMami NakamuraYoriko DôguchiA traumatized young woman is trying to recover her memories with the help of a psychiatrist. During her hypnosis sessions, she repeats the name "Tomie" but is unable to recall where she knows it from.
- DirectorTomijiro MitsuishiStarsSayaka YamaguchiYôsuke KubozukaKen'ichi EndôA young girl looking through her father's notes finds something written about the last experiment he worked on before he went insane. Everything looks ordinary until the name "Tomie" begins appearing throughout the notebook.
- DirectorTakashi ShimizuStarsMiki SakaiSatoshi TsumabukiKumiko EndôAn art student disappears after murdering his model. Now his friends and family are being haunted by the resurrected woman, Tomie.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsTom CruiseDakota FanningTim RobbinsAn alien invasion threatens the future of humanity. The catastrophic nightmare is depicted through the eyes of one American family fighting for survival.
- DirectorGeoffrey SaxStarsMichael KeatonDeborah Kara UngerIan McNeiceAn architect's desire to speak with his wife from beyond the grave becomes an obsession with supernatural repercussions.
- DirectorTodd HollandStarsFred SavageLuke EdwardsJenny LewisA boy and his brother run away from home and hitch cross-country, with help from a girl they meet, to compete in the ultimate video-game championship.
- DirectorBrett RatnerStarsPatrick StewartHugh JackmanHalle BerryThe human government develops a cure for mutations, and Jean Grey becomes a darker uncontrollable persona called the Phoenix who allies with Magneto, causing escalation into an all-out battle for the X-Men.