Worst of the worst
Bottom of the barrel, no good, very bad movies
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- DirectorDonald FarmerStarsAngela KereczBobby KereczChanning DodsonA demonic nun unleashes holy hell when she summons the devil to possess a great white shark.
- DirectorJ.F. LawtonStarsShannon TweedBill MaherKaren M. WaldronThe U.S. government, eager to protect the nation's avocado supplies, recruits feminist professor Margo Hunt to make contact with the Piranha Women, an all-female tribe who believe men are only good as a source of food.
- DirectorRick SloaneStarsTom BartlettPaige SullivanSteven BoggsA young security guard must track down diminutive aliens who kill people even as they make their fantasies come true.Gremlins>Critters>Ghoulies>Munchies>>>>>>>>>>>Hobgoblins. Hobgoblins are the worst.
- DirectorJem GarrardStarsKacey RohlHumberly GonzálezAsha Ashanti BromfieldA high school reunion turns deadly when the school's cursed mascot comes back to life.Q: So, is your average Scifi Channel movie a candidate for the list?
A: Absolutely.
Q: And what rubric decides if these candidates earn a place on this hallowed assembly of the Worst of the Worst?
A: Generally whether or not I’ve seen them.
Ok, so the question of whether or not some of the entries deserves to be here opens me up to another consideration of clemency. The Scifi Channel movies selected here might not be quite as bad as some, and if that’s true are they really the Worst of the Worst? Let’s consider these case by case.
First up, the People vs “Earthstorm”, a Scifi Channel Original Movie. Ok, fuck this movie. A lousy “Armageddon” ripoff mockbuster with a dead eyed Stephen Baldwin in the lead, truly awful special effects, no interest in scientific accuracy and even less interest in spectacle. Just a flat-looking, indifferent, formulaic “action” movie with no thrills, no scares, nothing that elicits a reaction beyond a dim flicker of recognition. So, is the camera in focus? Sure. Is the boom mic visible? Not that I recall. Is the sound mix acceptable? I mean, I guess. A lot off people no doubt worked on this movie, came in presumably on time and did their job to the best of their ability. We might cut a little slack, if not full absolution, to the special effects guys and some of the cast. Ok, these effects are bad, but they didn’t have Roland Emmerich money to do them, they probably didn’t even have the effects budget of a Mucinex commercial, and the producers got what they paid for. The actors showed up, said the lines as written, hit their marks, and largely those other than Baldwin managed not to come across as though they were sleepwalking. So there is a baseline of technical competence here, but that ain’t good for much.
Why did I post this under Killer High? Do I have to do one for all the scifi movies? Fuck that, I’m done. I ain’t getting paid for this, you know. - DirectorJames D.R. HickoxStarsDavid KeithVanessa AngelJohn Rhys-DaviesScientists create a genetically engineered sabretooth cat and must hunt it down after it escapes and begins eating innocent people.
- DirectorMary Ann FisherStarsBradford DillmanPriscilla BarnesDaryl HaneyMan has finally conquered the ocean. America's first self-contained undersea laboratory is the pride of the nation, and expectations are high for an elaborate undersea mining operation. What wasn't expected was the inhabitants of an undiscovered world.TIL that Suzanne Sommers was not the original Sheriff Hildy Granger on “She’s the Sheriff”. Can you imagine a world where she’s not the sheriff? My mind is blown. Apparently someone thought a show about a sheriff who is a woman was a rich concept that could be explored over the course of years. I had just assumed that they needed a vehicle for Suzanne Sommers, and that was what they came up with. But no. Hold me, I’m scared.
- DirectorJared CohnStarsGraham GreeneAnthony 'Treach' CrissDavid ChokachiWhen giant monsters crawl out of the Atlantic Ocean and attack the Eastern Seaboard the US Government is forced to trust a trio of mischievous soldiers, specialized in piloting gigantic robots, to defend America.
- DirectorCharles B. GriffithStarsMel WellesBobby JacobyDavid CarradineThree kingdoms have been overtaken by three evil lords and only a teenage boy with magical powers can restore peace to the land.
- DirectorMark PirroStarsJim HanksRikki BrandoMonique ParentFast-food mogul Harry Buford serves up the best barbecued bunny sandwiches, and the hottest waitresses, in town. His only son, Jeeter, will inherit the empire only if he can overcome his life-long fear of women. When Buford offers $100,000 to the first of his sexy employees who can turn shy-guy Jeeter into a red-blooded he-man, the summer heat sizzles as Amber, Boopsie and Lauren pour on the charm in their efforts to win Jeeter's heart.
- DirectorNorman ApsteinStarsClint HowardJustin IsfeldAnndi McAfeePoor Gregory. After being released from the Wishing Well Sanatorium, all he wants to do is make the children happy. So Gregory reopens the old ice cream factory, and all the unappreciative brats are reprocessed into the flavor of the day.
- DirectorDavid DeCoteauStarsAndras JonesLinnea QuigleyRobin StilleAs part of a sorority ritual, pledges and their male companions steal a trophy from a bowling alley; unbeknownst to them, it contains a devilish imp who makes their lives a living Hell.Of everything on the Worst of the Worst list, “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” is the one I might one day, like some benevolent god-king, deign worthy of elevation from this limbo. It’s bad. It’s cheap and unpolished, with a crummy puppet and uninspired direction and bad performances and really not much in the way of any redeeming value, but is it quite this bad? Debatably! But for the rest there is no debate. And so you see my conundrum. Until next time, fellow travelers.
- DirectorTerry CunninghamStarsStephen BaldwinAmy Price-FrancisJohn RalstonA massive asteroid impact on the moon begins causing storms on Earth due to the sudden changes in ocean tides. Scientists conclude the only solution is to set nuclear charges on the Moon to implode it and keep it whole.Scifi Channel’s “homage” to Armageddon, starring the worst of the Baldwins.
- DirectorSam SalernoStarsWee MattFay LytleJosh ConnorA dwarf named Ed falls in love with a big woman named Linda. He cuts her open and climbs into her womb to be "born again."Ok, this is about as bad as “Muffin Man”.
- DirectorJessica EisnerStarsBenjamin DunnMichelle PorrasTeri YoungmanMuffin Man is a "Mockumentary" of the downfall of the human species due to our social excesses (mostly over-eating). Thousands of years in the future, anthropologists from a distant galaxy are studying the ancient planet, Earth. Presented as a history lesson, the story follows the evolution of the human race from Homo Sapiens (Modern Man) to Homo Twinkus (also known as ... "Muffin Man"), while simultaneously interweaving an age-old love story: Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl's abusive ex-boyfriend tries to steal girl back. Boy fights ex-boyfriend and wins his love's heart. Boy has ill-fated encounter with one too many donuts.There’s everything else on this list, and then, far far below, there’s “Muffin Man”. Gawdawful mockumentary adopts the point of view of an alien paleontologist explaining how overeating lead to the extinction of the human race. Cheap, stupid, weirdly sleazy for something that feels like it was intended for kids, and visually just as flat and ugly as you can imagine a movie being.
- DirectorCreep CreepersinStarsLuke Y. ThompsonJulia BoydElina MadisonA gang of lovely young ladies known as the Ding Dong Ditchers terrorize a sleepy suburban town by ringing peoples' doorbells and then running away. Crazed and pathetic loser Doug has just been fired from his job, so he decides to make a stand against the Ding Dong Ditchers in order to impress Claudia, who's the attractive woman who lives right across the street. However, Doug's initially minor dispute with the Ding Dong Ditchers eventually escalates into an all-out no-holds-barred war.
- DirectorDavid A. PriorStarsTed PriorLinda McGillJohn EastmanA young boy murders his mother and her lover with a hammer. Ten years later, a wave of teenage murders plagues the same area.I rated this originally with 2 stars because it’s leaps and bounds better than “Things”, which it was paired with on Joe Bob’s show. But leaps and bounds better than “Things” will still leave you stranded deep in the furthest recesses of the godawful, so that extra star was plainly undeserved. We apologize for the error.
- DirectorAndrew JordanStarsBarry J. GillisAmber LynnBruce RoachAn impotent husband, driven by a fanatical desire to father children, forces his wife to undergo a dangerous experiment. The result: the birth of a multitude of monstrous THINGS.
- StarsTracey GoldLee RehermanKira SoltanovichClassic TV moments and reality come together when unsuspecting people are placed in the middle of their favorite television shows.On the heels of Breaking Bad, every channel needed to get in on the original content game. Even the TV Guide channel, which gave us this feeble prank show abortion with the most obnoxious theme song ever conceived.
Look, I hate so-called reality tv. Vapid, pointless, thinly disguised commercials which are scripted by hack writers and performed by indifferent non-actors and callow starfuckers. Tv has never been more of a vast wasteland, and there’s no need to catalogue all the garbage. It’s turtles all the way down to the bottom of this barrel. But if you want a taste of the scum growing underneath the barrel, look and see if this shit show is on YouTube or whatever. It’s utter dogshit. Maybe you’ll love it. - DirectorEd AndersStarsMichael MadsenMarc SingerDennis HopperTwo cops, a rookie and his partner, a veteran, are increasingly troubled by wild and illegal behavior of some of their colleagues. At first they try to ignore it, but it soon proves to be impossible to ignore.
- DirectorBrian GrantStarsJean Louisa KellyNoah HuntleyBeatie EdneyIn the near future, a young woman's dream of becoming a holographic singing star is subverted by a immoral entertainment company.
- DirectorPhilip CruzStarsApril BillingsleyMaury SterlingRon JeremyAndre the Butcher will make sure you pay for your sins.
- DirectorAndré SzötsStarsGeorge ClooneyLaura DernCharlie SheenAll hell breaks loose when a giant Grizzly, reacting to the slaughter of Grizzlies by poachers, attacks at a massive big-band rock concert in the National Park.