- A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
- It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
- Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. I bury a lot of my ironing in the backyard.
- My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
- "Fang" is permanent in my act, of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
- I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
- I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they would boo.
- I never made "Who's Who" but I'm featured in "What's What?".
- I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.
- Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Homework can't kill you, but why take the chance?
- I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say "Take off your clothes"?
- You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
- My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
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