The Music Box (1932)
Oliver Hardy: Ollie Hardy
Photos
Quotes
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Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the piano is blocking his path. Prof. Von Schwarzenhoffen taps his cane on the piano to attract Laurel and Hardy's attention.] Well? Either of you two numbskulls going to take this thing out of the way?
Ollie : What's it to you?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : I should like to pass.
Ollie : Why don't you walk around?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Walk around? Me? Professor Theodore Von Schwarzenhoffen? M.D., A.D, D.D.S, F.L.D, F.F.F und F, should walk around? Get that thing out of my way! Get out of my way! Come on, get it out of the way! Out of the way!
[Stan slaps his hat off, causing it to fly into the street and be flattened by a truck. Stan and Ollie simultaneously nods at Schwarzenhoffen afterwards.]
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Very lovely... I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR THIS! I'LL HAVE YOU THROWN IN JAIL! I'M PROFESSOR T.D.A!
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Nursemaid : [as Stan and Ollie try to help her get her baby carriage around the piano box, it suddenly slides back down the stairs. Stan and Ollie frantically chase after it and catch the box after it stops in the street. The Nursemaid finds this hilarious and laughs uproariously as Stan and Ollie pull the piano box back onto the curb. Stan glares at her as she continues laughing at their misfortune] Of all the dumb things!
[She continues laughing. Becoming fed up with her, Stan kicks her in the behind]
Nursemaid : OW!
[She punches Stan in the face, so hard it knocks his hat off]
Ollie : AH HA HA HA HA, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[the Nursemaid grabs a glass baby bottle from the carriage and removes Ollie's hat]
Ollie : AHHH ha ha ha ha ha!
[She breaks the bottle over Ollie's head, instantly ceasing his laughter]
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[last lines]
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Gentlemen, is there anything I can do to show you how sorry I am?
Ollie : [smiling] Just sign here. Service with a smile. Stanley, the pen.
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [as he takes the top off the pen, ink explodes into the Professor's face] Why you... Out of my house! OUT OF MY HOUSE!
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Ollie : Where there's a will, there's a way.
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Stan : [whistles] Hey, Ollie!
Ollie : [walks out of the house and looks up at him] What?
Stan : There's somebody home.
Ollie : Are they up there?
Stan : No, I heard them coming up the stairs.
Ollie : You heard them coming up... Why stupid, that was me!
Stan : That was you?
Ollie : Why certainly.
Stan : Well how'd you get in the house?
Ollie : Well I was standing on the ladder while you were pulling the piano up and the block and tack...
[angrily throws his hat up at Stan]
Ollie : Get back in there! Throw me my hat!
[Stan randomly grabs a hat and tosses it down, unknowingly it is his own]
Ollie : "Heard'em coming up the stairs."
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Policeman : Say, what do you mean by molesting that girl?
Ollie : Who, me?
Policeman : Yes, you.
Ollie : Why I was just...
[the policeman kicks him]
Policeman : Now let that be a lesson to ya.
[walks away]
Stan : Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie : Say listen, if he'd have said one more word to me, I would've...
[notices the policeman had returned; laughs nervously]
Policeman : [kicks Ollie again] Now let that be *another* lesson.
[chucks him under the chin with the head of his truncheon]
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Stan : Say listen, don't you think you're bounding over your step?
Policeman : What do you mean bounding over my step?
Ollie : Why, he means overstepping your bounds.
[laughs nervously]
Policeman : Oh.
[hits Stan on head with his truncheon]
Policeman : Now let that be a lesson to you!
[pokes him in the stomach]
Stan : Ooh!
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Ollie : That's the house up there; right on top of the stoop.
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Ollie : Steady, Susie.
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Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen hears the piano playing "Dixie", and enters his house, turning off the player piano] What is the meaning of this?
Ollie : Do you live here?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Do I live here? This is my house! What are you doing here?
Ollie : Why, we just delivered your piano.
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [angrily] Piano? Piano? I hate and detest pianos, they are mechanical blunderbusses! Take it out of here before I commit murder! Take it out! Take it out! Take it all out!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Stan and Ollie lift the piano, knocking over two vases and a standing lamp next to the staircase] Out! Out! Owww! That's enough! Scram! Oooh, wait a minute! I'll take care of you! I'll take care of you!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen leaves the room, and comes back with an axe] You and - I've had enough!
Ollie : Whoa-oh-oh!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Oooh, you! - Why, you...!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the professor attacks the piano with an axe; Stan and Ollie make army salute gestures when it plays "The Star-Spangled Banner", the professor salutes, then he turns off the piano and picks up the axe] All right, I'll teach you to...
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the professor chops the piano to pieces as Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen enters the house] I'll kill you! I hate pianos!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : Theodore! Theodore! What are you doing?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Why, these two blundering idiots delivered a piano here by mistake! Look at our home!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : Why, it wasn't a mistake, darling! I bought the piano... to surprise you on your birthday!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen cries] Oh, there, there, dear. I would never have this happen for a million dollars!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : I thought you said you hated pianos!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : What, me hate pianos? Why, I'm nuts about them!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : Ohh!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Excuse me, gentlemen! What can I do to show you how sorry I am?
Ollie : [chuckles and twiddles his tie] Just sign here, heh heh heh. Service with a smile, ha ha. Stanley? The pen.
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the professor takes the pen from Stan, which squirts the professor with ink in his face; he starts chasing Stan and Ollie out the door] Why, you...! Out of my house! Out of my house!
