- Telephone Girl: With whom would you like an audition?
- Bob Black: Leopold Stokowski.
- Telephone Girl: Sorry, the maestro is in rehearsal.
- Bob Black: Yeah, but where's Leopold Stokowski?
- Telephone Girl: Mr. Stokowski is in rehearsal now.
- Bob Black: When do you reckon would be a good time to see him?
- Telephone Girl: Well, I suggest that you come back the second Tuesday in June 1984, at 6:00.
- Bob Black: Thank you, lady.
- [Starts to leave, then comes back]
- Bob Black: Now lady, do you mean morning or afternoon?
- Jack Carson: Patsy!
- Patsy: Yes, Sir
- Jack Carson: Try to get hold of Frank Rossman, right away.
- Patsy: Frank Rossman?
- Jack Carson: Yeah, and get me a couple of writers and a copy of Romeo and Juliet.
- Patsy: You meant what?
- Jack Carson: I said "Romeo and Juliet". You know - the couple that made love on a balcony.
- Patsy: In a balcony? What theatre?
- Jack Carson: How do I know what theatre? Get the book and somebody to read it!
- Mrs. Platt: Try and figure this one out. What is it that hasn't got what you think it has, but if it has, how many has it got?
- Jack Carson: [repeating] What is it that hasn't got what you think it has, but if it has, how many has it got?
- Mrs. Platt: Yes
- Mr. Platt: Gracie, you're crazy!
- Mrs. Platt: [surprised] Yeah. Oh that's it! That's the answer! That's very good, George.
- Mr. Platt: [exhausted] That's the answer? 'Gracie, you're crazy'?
- Mrs. Platt: Well, it must be because everybody I talk to says the same thing.
- Patsy: I'm Mr. Carson's secretary. I'll try and find him for you.
- Mrs. Platt: Oh, look, if you're Mr. Carson's secretary, maybe you're sitting on his lap. Mr. Carson? Mr. Carson?
- [looks behind Patsy]
- Mrs. Platt: Whatever became of you?
- Jack Carson: Well, I was elected Vice President.
- Mrs. Platt: Vice President?
- Jack Carson: Yeah!
- Mrs. Platt: Now, I've heard of Vice; but, I never knew they had a President for it.
- Jack Carson: I don't like your jokes, particularly the ones you haven't told me yet.
- Schlepperman: Please, Mr. Carson, if this ain't any better than the jokes I told you before, you can have my permission to throw me right out of your office.
- Jack Carson: Thanks. You can have my guarantee I'll do it.
- Jack Carson: How would you like to go to dinner and be served with a tomato juice cocktail, tomato bouillon, tomato salad, and nice rolled stuffed tomato?
- Patsy: Oh, Mr. Carson, I got a terrific gag for one of your programs. Oh, it's marvelous!
- Jack Carson: That's nice. I doubt it.
- Patsy: Oh, you'll laugh at this one. It's brand new. You see, I say, "I had a terrible time last night with Amos." Oh, this is marvelous. You say, "Amos who?" And I say...
- Jack Carson: Amos Quito.
- Patsy: Yeah!
- [laughs hysterically]
- Jack Carson: You practically took the words out of my mouth.
- Mrs. Platt: Yeah, well, if I put 'em back, what have you got?
- Jack Carson: Will you have a bite?
- Gwen Holmes: Ah, no thank you.
- Jack Carson: It's an apple.
- Gwen Holmes: Yes, I know.
- Jack Carson: There must be something we can talk about. But, don't get discouraged. I'll eventually think of something. I always do.
- Bob Black: She's in her late 50s and that woman never put a nickel's worth of cosmetics on her face in her life. And right, today, she's got a complexion just like a peach: yellow and fuzzy.
- Bob Black: Now, you know, I never could understand, to save my life, why you women call 'em 'beauty secrets' when you always waited to get into public places to dab it on?
- Bob Miller: Congratulations. You behaved like a lady. So few of them do, especially in Harlem.
- Gwen Holmes: Don't spoil me.
- Bob Miller: I haven't started yet.
- Bob Black: Now, I don't wanna get personal about this thing, but, I've noticed when you women look at yourselves in a mirror, you always walk up and get a front view of yourselves. You oughta back up to a mirror once in awhile. Honestly, you don't seem to care how you look in de back.
- Bob Miller: [talking about Gwen's eyes] They're swell. So is your mouth. And your nose's in the right place too. And your hair. Ah, your hair! Say, do you realize you're a darned beautiful girl?
- Gwen Holmes: People are looking.
- Bob Miller: Well, so am I.
- Jack Carson: Well, I guess what Sherman said about love is right.
- Gwen Holmes: He said that about war, didn't he?
- Jack Carson: Th same thing.
- Patsy: When a gal is crazy about a mug who won't even give her a tumble, well...
- Gwen Holmes: Strictly business, he said. All right, it'll be strictly business with everybody from now on.
- Patsy: Well, why don't you make it monkey business!
- Gwen Holmes: This is *not* my first appearance on the air. A great many people know me, including Tom Twitchell!
- Gwen Holmes: What kind of a girl do people think I am?
- Jack Carson: I'd say you were a good girl - in the worst sense of the word.
- Jack Carson: Where do *I* think she's hiding? How do I know. Look in haystack. She might be visiting a needle.
- Jack Carson: I'm sorry, but, Miss Holmes is unable to oblige. She was just taken over by galloping hysterics.
- [last lines]
- Jack Carson: You have just heard the Big Broadcast of 1937 - which came to you through the courtesy of Providence, Paramount, and Platt's Golf Balls.
- Bob Black: Pardon me, lady, but I'm lookin' for Mr. Stokowski.
- Mrs. Platt: Well, anybody can look for Mr. Stokowski. But, get Mr. Stokowski to look for you, then you got something. Or, have you?
- Bob Black: He knows how to make love and I don't know nothin' about that.
- Mrs. Platt: Oh, well, there's nothing to it. I could show it to you in a minute.