- Ted Nickerson: [trying to impress the maid with a joke] A duck is a chicken with snowshoes.
- Nancy Drew: And a halfwit is a person who spends half their time trying to be witty.
- Carson Drew: Here's a check for the butcher. Tell him he's been cutting the meat so thin lately it only has one side.
- Effie Schneider, the Housekeeper: Yes sir, shall I tell him which side?
- Captain Tweedy: Smitty, go down to the Turnbull house and put yourself on guard. Find anybody around there, throw 'em out.
- Smitty, a Policeman: Single-handed?
- Captain Tweedy: Oh, use both hands, I don't care.
- Ted Nickerson: [frustratedly] Some day I'm gonna get psychoanalyzed and find out why I'm such a dope.