A Chump at Oxford (1940)

Oliver Hardy: Oliver Hardy

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Quotes 

• Baldy Vandevere : [to Stan in drag]  Agnus, will you please serve the salad - without any dressing.

  Stan : [walks over to Ollie]  What kind of a joint is this?

  Ollie : What's the matter?

  Stan : He wants me to serve the salad undressed.

  Ollie : Well, if he wants the salad undressed, that's the way he'll have it. Go get the salad.

• Student : Oh, pardon me, but haven't you come to the wrong college?

  Ollie : Well, this is Oxford, isn't it?

  Student : Yes, but, eh, you're dressed for Eton.

  Stan : Well, that's swell. We haven't eaten since breakfast, have we?

  Ollie : "Haven't eaten since breakfast." It's your idea of us being dressed like this. No wonder everyone's starring at us.

• Ollie : Einstein... if it wasn't for that bump on the head he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein.

• Lord Paddington : Uh, by the way, uh, Fatty... I've noticed lately that you're-you're getting terribly sloven.

  Ollie : How do you mean, sir?

  Lord Paddington : Well, uh, you don't seem to have the dignity becoming of a lackey. Uhh, no poise. Uh, you don't walk right or something there. Uh, let me see, uh... uh... Pull in your stomach. That's better. Now, now throw... throw your shoulders back. That's fine. Now, uh, chin up. Chin up. No-no-no-no. Both of them. Both.

• [last lines] 

  Stan : Hey, Ollie!

  Ollie : What?

  Stan : Where ya goin'?

  Ollie : Back to America for me!

  [storms out] 

  Stan : Hey, Ollie! Ollie!

  [Oliver returns] 

  Stan : [starts to cry]  Aren't you going to take me with you?

  Ollie : Stan! You KNOW me!

  Stan : Well, of course I know you. What's a matter? Have you got one of those dizzy spells?

  [Ollie laughs joyously at the return of his friend and hugs Stanley] 

• Ollie : [referring to a portrait of the Dean]  Say, did you ever see a face like that anywhere except in a zoo?

  Stan : Sure.

  Ollie : Where?

  Stan : In a monkey house.

  Ollie : [laughs heartily]  I never thought of that!

• Ollie : What's the big idea of throwing ME out the window?

  Lord Paddington : I beg your pardon. Meredith, who is this coarse person with the foreign accent?

  Ollie : Why, you little shrimp! Are you trying to rib ME now?

• Stan : You know what the trouble is?

  Ollie : What?

  Stan : He's got one of those dizzy spells.

  Ollie : Yeah. He's a dizzy Dean!

• Ollie : [in the maze]  Where are you?

  Stan : I'm here! Where are you?

  Ollie : I'm here!

  Stan : How can you be here if I'm here?

• Meredith : [speaking of Lord Paddington]  And when you got very angry, you'd wiggle his ears in a most extraordinary manner! And you'd fight like a demon!

  Ollie : "Fight like a demon."

  [to Stan] 

  Ollie : Wiggle your ears.

  Stan : What?

  Ollie : [sternly]  Wiggle your ears!

  Stan : [Stan tries]  I can't wiggle my ears!

  Ollie : Of course you can't!

  Stan : Course I can't!

  Ollie : [to Meredith]  Now, stop this kidding and we don't want to hear any more about it!

• Meredith : You see, is like this, sir: When his lordship was here before, he was the greatest athlete and the greatest scholar this university ever boasted of. And, oh, what a brilliant mind.

  Ollie : Are you trying to make me believe that this is the guy you're talking about?

  [points to Stan] 

  Meredith : I know it! I was never so sure in my life.

  Ollie : Brilliant mind?

  [laughs] 

  Ollie : Why, I've known him for years and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw. Aren't you, Stanley?

  Stan : I certainly am.

• Ollie : Listen, I've had enough of this! Why, I knew you when I had more brains in my little finger than you had in your whole carcass... even with your overcoat on!

  Lord Paddington : You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, aren't you, Fatty?

  Ollie : You bet I am - and don't call me Fatty!

  Lord Paddington : Now don't get excited, old dear.

  Ollie : Who's excited? I'm through! You can take your lordships, your Oxford and your Paddingtons and do what you like with them!

• Ollie : And there's one more thing, too: I didn't like that double chin crack!

• Ollie : [to Stan]  Too bad you wasn't a woman. That'd be a swell job for us.

• Mrs. Vandevere : [looking at Stan in drag]  What a strange-looking person.

  Stan : Well, what do you expect on a few hours notice? If you'd a gone to the trouble that we did to get us the job...

  Ollie : Eh-eh, what he means - I mean, SHE means is - that this is the best they could do upon short notice.

• Ollie : Sit down, will ya, Pop?

  Baldy Vandevere : Pop?

• Ollie : Well, here we are at last. Right down in the gutter. I wonder what's the matter with us? We're just as good as other people, yet we don't seem to advance ourselves. We never get any place.

  Stan : You know what the trouble is, don't you? We've never had no education. That's what's the matter. You see, we're not alliterate enough.

  Ollie : I guess you're right.

  Stan : Sure, I'm right. You see, if we went to school like other people, we-we would learn our three Rs, and today there'd be no job too small for us. Believe me.

• Ollie : Whadda you mean "three Rs?"

  Stan : Well, Reading, wRiting and... and... figuRin'.

  Ollie : Figurin'?

  Stan : Sure. You know, two and two makes somethin', and four and four makes somethin' ah... It's different from the first...

  Ollie : You mean 'Rithmatic.

  Stan : Yeah, I knew what it meant, but I couldn't say it.

  Ollie : I think you've got something there.

  Stan : Have I?

• Banker : My boys, you've done a service for me that I can never forget. You've saved me hundreds of thousands of dollars. What can I do to repay you?

  Ollie : I don't know, sir.

  Banker : Maybe I can give you some work to do in the bank?

  Ollie : Well, that's very kind of you, sir, but I'm afraid we wouldn't be of much help to you. You see, we haven't got any education. Have we, Stan?

  Stan : No. We don't know a thing. Do we?

  Ollie : That's right.

• Stan : [inside a hedge maze]  I think we must have taken the wrong turning.

  Ollie : What do you mean "the wrong turning?"

  Stan : Well, maybe we went to the left instead of to the right. Remember, the fellow said, first you turn to the right, then...

  Ollie : All right. All right. Now, you go to the left and I'll go to the right. And whoever finds the exit first, comes back and gets the other one.

  Stan : That's a good idea!

  Ollie : Now, we're getting some place!

• Stan : I think that fellow that sent us in here made a fool out of you.

  Ollie : Yes, and if I ever see him again, I'll punch him right in the nose!

  Stan : I don't blame ya. Say, I thought you said you could read character.

  Ollie : I can, but he was two-faced!

• Stan : [walking around the Dean of Oxford's quarters thinking it is their dorm room]  Gee, this is a swell joint, I don't think.

  Ollie : It's a pip.

  Stan : Lovely. No wonder people go to school. A nice place to live in like this, and... no flies or nothin', and... I wonder how long this place has been open.

  Ollie : I wonder. You'd think they would advertise this college to let people know that it was on the map.

• Ollie : Now, come on, Dizzy, get outta here before I throw you out!

  Stan : Yeah, and that goes for me, too, Diz.

• Ollie : Pardon me for being frank, but I think that you are screwy!

  Stan : Sure. He's nuts. He's got bees in his cockpit. That's what's the matter with him.

• Stan : Say, why don't you read his character? Maybe he's right. Maybe I am a lordship.

  Ollie : You, a lordship...

  Ollie : [sarcastically holding his thumb and index fingers apart in remembrance of Stan's earlier observation]  And we're only this far from home.

• Ollie : Why, Stan, don't you know me?

  Lord Paddington : KNOW you? Why, I never saw you before in all my life. What you talking about?

  Ollie : Don't you remember? We used to sweep the streets together.

  Lord Paddington : Sweep the stree...? How DARE you! How DARE you make such slurring remarks! Meredith, show this common person the egress and eject him forcibly.

• Ollie : Wiggling your ears ain't gonna stop me!

• Ollie : Tea, your lordship. The Dean wishes to speak with you, your lordship.

  Lord Paddington : Oh, come right in. Come right in. You may... you may remain here, Fatty.

  Lord Paddington : [to the Dean]  Eh, good morning, good morning. Eh, would you care to join me in a spot of tea?

  Dean Williams : No, thanks. Not any for me, thank you.

  Lord Paddington : [to Ollie]  Eh, don't stand there like a dummy. Get a chair for the Dean.

  Lord Paddington : [to the Dean]  Pardon my, uh - valet - for being so horribly, uh, stupid. He's not quite broken in yet. Rather thick, as it were.

  Dean Williams : Why do you tolerate him?

  Lord Paddington : Oh, I don't know. He's, uh... He got a jolly old face, you know, uh... Breaks the monotony and, uh, helps to fill up the, uh... room, and, uh... Besides, he's someone to talk to. You understand.

• [dinner is ready at the formal gathering] 

  Ollie : [playing "Shave and a Haircut - Two Bits" on bells]  There's everything from soup to nuts, folks. Come and get it.