Champagne for Caesar (1950)

Ronald Colman: Beauregard Bottomley

Quotes 

• Gerald : Does Polly want a cracker?

  Caesar (voice) : Polly wants a drink, let's get loaded.*hiccup*

  Gerald : He says the darnest things, doesn't he?

  Caesar (voice) : How about a short one, how about a short one?

  Beauregard Bottomley : [to Caesar]  You've had your quota for the day. As I told you before, Gerald, neither I nor my sister taught him these expressions. His former master must have been the greatest reprobate since the emperor Nero.

  Gwenn Bottomley : We found him one night leaning up against a lamppost. He couldn't remember where he lived.

  Beauregard Bottomley : He still can't.

  Gwenn Bottomley : Now we have him down to two drinks a day... soon we'll have him down to no drinks a day.

  Caesar (voice) : SQUAWK.

  Beauregard Bottomley : Now you have frightened him. Caesar, Caesar...

  Caesar (voice) : CHAMPAGNE.

  Beauregard Bottomley : No, no, sorry, you must rough it for a while.

• Happy Hogan : You have five seconds to tell us the Japanese word for goodbye. 1... 2...

  Beauregard Bottomley : Sayonara. Not to be confused with cyanide, which is, of course, goodbye in any language.

• Beauregard Bottomley : We mustn't be too critical of Gwenn, Caesar. When people fall in love, they often act foolishly.

  [as he pours three large scoops of sugar into a coffee pot and then puts the pot in the refrigerator] 

• [Burnbridge Waters is interviewing Beauregard Bottomley for a job] 

  Burnbridge Waters : I am thinking of putting on the market an all-purpose cake of soap that will also be used to clean teeth.

  Beauregard Bottomley : I see, sort of

  [laughs] 

  Beauregard Bottomley : sort of foam at the mouth approach, eh?

  [laughs] 

  Burnbridge Waters : [not amused at all]  You would have started tomorrow morning.

  Beauregard Bottomley : That would have been fine, but aren't we using rather a strange tense - would have?

  Burnbridge Waters : No sir, we are not.

• Beauregard Bottomley : If it is noteworthy and rewarding to know that 2 and 2 make 4 to the accompaniment of deafening applause and prizes, then 2 and 2 making 4 will become the top level of learning.

• Burnbridge Waters : I loathe humor and you are humorous.

  Beauregard Bottomley : Well, it was just a pleasantry designed to...

  Executive #2 : Mr Waters hates pleasantries, I suppose I should have told you.

  Beauregard Bottomley : Oh, well I'm sorry to have offended you mr Waters, it was unintentional and shan't occur again.

• [Burnbridge Waters is attempting to dissuade Beauregard Bottomley from taking his winnings] 

  Burnbridge Waters : Oh, don't thank me, Beauregard. Just stay as you are. Walk out of here into the sunshine of a carefree world, wise in the knowledge that I have bestowed on you. For it is my sincere conviction that the only way to be happy is to be poor.

  Beauregard Bottomley : My dear Burnbridge, I see your point. I am about to make you the happiest man in the world.

• Happy Hogan : Is there something special about me that you dislike or do you hate me for myself alone?

  Beauregard Bottomley : Oh, I don't hate you Mr. Hogan.

  Gwenn Bottomley : He merely thinks you are the forerunner of intellectual destruction in America.

  Beauregard Bottomley : Yes, nothing personal.

• [Happy Hogan leaves coldly when Gwenn is flirting with him] 

  Beauregard Bottomley : You'll never be more spotless, Gwenn. You've been sutterly brushed off.

  Gwenn Bottomley : I think he's quite amusing. Did you notice his wonderful smile?

  Beauregard Bottomley : Did I? I feel I know personally each one of his teeth.

• Beauregard Bottomley : I fail to see why the location of birth should be met with applause.

  Frosty : But she comes from Brooklyn!

• Frosty : Gee Mr Bottomley, you sure know a lot.

  Beauregard Bottomley : I not only sure know a lot my dear Frosty, I know everything.

• Beauregard Bottomley : If you know everything, you're not wanted around for long and Greek translations don't pay very much.

  Mr. Brown : You know, I may have something here that's right up your intelligent alley.

• Beauregard Bottomley : [on phone in Flame O'Neal's apartment]  Miss O'Neal is having Bottomley trouble!

  [Slams down phone] 

• Beauregard Bottomley : [to waters]  Shall I genuflect when leaving or just face Mecca?

• Happy Hogan : [Referring to his engagement to Bottomley's sister]  Aren't you going to wish us good luck?

  Beauregard Bottomley : Well, you're obnoxious but not as obnoxious as I thought you were.

• Beauregard Bottomley : Yes, mr Brown, I know everything, everything except what is commonly known as how to make a buck.

• Happy Hogan : Hi!

  Beauregard Bottomley : Mr Hogan, you are most unwelcome here.

  Gwenn Bottomley : He's taking lessons.

  Beauregard Bottomley : My dear Happy Hogan, at the last count there was ten thousand, four hundred and eighty-two piano teachers in greater Los Angeles. Your appearance here suggests an ulterior design.

  Gwenn Bottomley : But I think he's really interested in the piano and I'd like us to continue what we started... with the piano.

• Happy Hogan : By the way, you said an Aardvark is an ant eater. Is he also an uncle eater?

  Beauregard Bottomley : Yes, as a matter of fact the Aardvark is an uncle eater but he only eats the uncles of the ants.

• Beauregard Bottomley : I've met Mr. Waters... in a well-upholstered torture chamber where he practices his witchcraft over a bar of soap.