20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954)

Kirk Douglas: Ned Land

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Captain Nemo : Eat your pudding, Mr. Land.

  Ned Land : I ain't sure it's puddin'.

• Ned Land : [singing]  Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads, a whale of a tale or two, 'bout the floppin' fish and the girls I've loved on nights like this with the moon above. A whale of a tale and it's all true, I swear by my tattoo. There was Mermaid Minnie; met her down in Madagascar. She would kiss me anytime that I would ask her. Then one evening, her flame of love blew out. Blow me down and pick me up, she swapped me for a trout!

• Captain Nemo : Mr. Land, you saved my life. Why?

  Ned Land : That's a good question. Well, there's only one thing a fella can do when he's made a mistake as big as this.

  Conseil : What?

  Ned Land : Get drunk!

• Ned Land : [singing]  Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads, a whale of a tale or two, 'bout the floppin' fish and the girls I've loved on nights like this with the moon above. A whale of a tale and it's all true, I swear by my tattoo. There was Typhoon Tessie; met her on the coast of Java. When we kissed, I bubbled up like molten lava. Then she gave me the scare of my young life. Blow me down and pick me up, she was the captain's wife!

• Ned Land : There's one thing you ought to know, Professor: Nemo's cracked. I've yet to see the day you can make a deal with a mad dog. So while you're feeding him sugar, I'll be figuring a plan to muzzle him.

• Captain Nemo : [Noticing that Ned is eating with his knife]  There's a fork on your left, Mr. Land. Or aren't you accustomed to utensils?

  Ned Land : Oh, I'm indifferent to 'em.

• [Ned cautiously samples his "pudding"] 

  Ned Land : What is it?

  Captain Nemo : It's my own recipe: sauté of unborn octopus.

• Conseil : Cannibals! Hundreds of cannibals! Captain, Captain, scores of boats!

  Ned Land : Captain, we're under attack!

  Captain Nemo : Naturally, since you invaded their privacy, they have every right to invade ours.

• Ned Land : [after Captain Farragut announces that he is ending the search]  Cheer up, Professor. You'll forget all about fishing when you see the gals in Saigon.

  Professor Pierre Aronnax, narrator : I thought they promised you a bonus if you harpooned this monster, Mr. Land.

  Ned Land : Knowing full well I couldn't collect it. When I get back, I'm shipping out on the first whaler that'll take me. I won't get rich, but I won't be sitting around picking my teeth with my harpoon.

  Conseil : Maybe we are lucky. It might have sunk us.

  Ned Land : You scare me. Be a good loser, Professor. The fish that got away is always the biggest one.

  Conseil : Ah, what a pity, Professor. I know you had visions of that monster mounted in the National Museum.

• Conseil : I want to escape, too! You said you had a plan.

  Ned Land : I do have a plan. Trouble is, it won't work.

• Ned Land : [watching Nemo's bomb explode]  There she blows.

• Conseil : All those men. They didn't even have a chance.

  Ned Land : They were sailors, same as me. Slaughtered by that monster you're trying to make friends with.

  Conseil : Ned, don't...

  Ned Land : I don't know about you, Professor, but I feel like a knife that's just stabbed a friend in the back.

• [last lines] 

  Ned Land : [as Vulcania explodes]  Sorry I had to wallop you, Professor. But there wasn't time to stop for souvenirs.

  Prof. Pierre Arronax : Perhaps you did mankind a service, Ned.

• Sailor : [the warship's crew arrives too late to aid another ship after it explodes]  I'm thinking she went down with all hands.

  Professor Pierre Aronnax, narrator : Poor devils. Not a living soul left. What could have caused such a fearsome explosion?

  Sailor : Black powder, and worse, a whole shipload of the stuff.

  Ned Land : What could have set it off, though? She must have struck something.

  Professor Pierre Aronnax, narrator : Or could it be that something struck the ship?

• [Donning diving gear] 

  Ned Land : Fine way to go huntin'. I knew there'd be a catch to this.

  Conseil : Seems you can't do anything on this boat without getting wet.

  Ned Land : Hey, I feel like I'm keepin' a fish outta work.

• Conseil : Don't forget the cannibals.

  Ned Land : Oh, belay the cannibals. He said that to scare us.

• Conseil : Why, Ned, you're not thinking of putting messages in these bottles, are you? That went out with Robinson Crusoe. You've forgotten this is the 19th Century.

  Ned Land : There's something else I forgot.

  [punches Conseil in the chin] 

  Ned Land : That's for spyin' on me. Don't let me catch you paddin' the shadow of my stern again. Remember that!

  [Conseil rubs his chin, feelings hurt as well] 

  Ned Land : I don't like bashin' anybody. But you had it comin', lad.

  Conseil : And I thought we were friends.

  Ned Land : Sure, we're friends! Go ahead, hit me.

  [sticks out his chin] 

  Conseil : You mean that?

  Ned Land : [sticking his chin out further]  Sure, go ahead! You can't miss it.

  [Conseil surprises Ned with a punch to the gut] 

  Conseil : *Now* we're friends!

• Ned Land : Hey, Professor, where are ya going?

  Professor Pierre Aronnax, narrator : My journal!

  Ned Land : The island's gonna blow up any second!

  Professor Pierre Aronnax, narrator : I must get my journal!

  [Ned Land punches him and carries him out of the flooding chart room]