Phffft (1954)

Charlie Nelson : A mustache is a very important thing. That's part of the famous Charlie Nelson theory in the efficacy of face hair in dealing with the opposite sex.

Robert Tracey : [Slightly taken aback] What?

Charlie Nelson : Always remember this: dames become unpredictable when faced with a mustache. It both arouses, and angers them, because... being as it is a symbol of masculinity, they feel drawn toward it.

Robert Tracey : I blame the whole thing on your mother and her beloved Dr. Van Kessel.

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Dr. Van Kessel is a brilliant analyst.

Robert Tracey : Brilliant? All he does is sit there earning $25 an hour listening to...

Nina Tracey née Chapman : $50 an hour.

Robert Tracey : Listening to neurotic women discussing their *sex* lives!

Charlie Nelson : There's nothing in the divorce agreement giving Nina custody of the liquor.

Robert Tracey : Well, it's very true. As a matter of fact, that's a well-taken point.

Robert Tracey : Charlie said, "It's none of my business..."

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Oh, That's the absolute truth.

Robert Tracey : "It's none of my business, but as they say on Broadway, 'If the show is a flop, fold it.'"

Nina Tracey née Chapman : [sarcastically] Oh, that's so beautifully expressed.

Robert Tracey : I can tell everything about a person from their canceled checks.

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Can you tell about me?

Robert Tracey : Everything.

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Everything?

Robert Tracey : Everything.

Charlie Nelson : Well, now that you're all moved in and settled, let's get down to the business at hand. Dames! Who we gonna get for you?

Robert Tracey : Hey, wait a minute, Charlie. Do me one favor. No dames. Don't you introduce me to anyone. The last time you introduced me to a dame, thank you, it was a *disaster*, a total disaster. You introduced me to a dame, it took me eight years to get over. No, thank you, not again!

Robert Tracey : Where do you sleep?

Nina Tracey née Chapman : That's very tricky. You just press a button. A bed sort of pops out of the wall.

Robert Tracey : What?

Nina Tracey née Chapman : I'll show you. It sort of goes "whoosh!" Watch out!

Robert Tracey : You're frivolous, romantic, generous, somewhat over-impulsive, you're ambitious. You're a little scatter-brained and you also have a weakness for lacy underwear.

Nina Tracey née Chapman : That's uncanny!

Robert Tracey : You're also very pretty. You're very sweet and you like to be kissed.

Robert Tracey : Well, it's wonderful, really. I always say, you can never really get to know a person well until you've been through her canceled checks.

Nina Tracey née Chapman : You can't?

Robert Tracey : Beats psychiatry, palm reading, and, you know, feeling the bumps on someone's head.

Robert Tracey : You have a basic salaried income of $3,380 per annum. Is that correct?

Nina Tracey née Chapman : That's right. If that's what $65 a week comes to. Yes. I don't see why we have to discuss it.

Robert Tracey : Well, I shall shortly be earning $5,200 myself. And to get to the point, if we were to file a joint return it would seem to me that with the two exemptions the joint return may not only be feasible, but actually economically very sound. Indeed, tax-wise.

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Oh, all right. I didn't think you could do that, file a joint return just like that. I thought you had to be married or something. Oh? Oh! Oh!

Robert Tracey : I think maybe I ought to pull this curtain. There seems to be somebody staring at you from across the court.

Janis : No, don't do that. My girlfriend and I, we never pull the curtain. We just have a ball with him. You know, that boy must be a nervous wreck. We never let him get any sleep at all. Some day he's going to flip his lid or fall out of the window or something. Don't you think that's a scream?

Janis : I think whiskey would be dreamy.

Robert Tracey : We don't seem to have any ice. Charlie forgot to put water in the trays.

Janis : Well, don't worry about it. I'd just as soon have a little straightie.

Robert Tracey : My place?

Janis : I think it'd be dreamy. Don't you?

Robert Tracey : Well, yes, well, it would. Dreamy.

Robert Tracey : I suddenly feel kind of old among all these crewcuts.

Robert Tracey : Grow a mustache?

Charlie Nelson : Sure.

Robert Tracey : I'd probably look like Groucho Marx.

Robert Tracey : I have no interest in girls like Janis or that Marcia. We have nothing to talk about.

Charlie Nelson : Look, Bobby, Janis is basic. You got to make it with a Janis or you're dead! Besides, who says you got to talk to them? You're back in the jungle, boy, you're a hungry tiger, a lithe, young animal.

Robert Tracey : I'm a lithe, middle-aged animal.

Charlie Nelson : Are you busy tonight? Maybe I can fix you up a date.

Robert Tracey : No! Please! I will not go through that again. I just don't seem to have anything to say to 20-year-old girls anymore.

Janis : You sounded like you were, you know, serious.

Robert Tracey : Yeah, well, I'm serious, all right.

[kiss]

Janis : Boiiiiing!

Robert Tracey : Boing?

Janis : Yeah, boing!

Janis : Who's all coming?

Robert Tracey : Just you and me.

Janis : Well, that's such a corny one. You know, Charlie Nelson pulled that one on me. The first night I ever met him, he says, "Come on over, we're gonna have a big party with drinking and necking and carrying on." Well, I just bit for it like a big dope. I says, "Sounds wonderful! Who's all gonna be there?" And he says...

Janis , Robert Tracey : "Just you and me."

Janis : Yeah. I tell you, I just laughed! You know, Charlie really flips me.

[last lines]

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Whoosh!

Robert Tracey : Whoosh!

Nightclub Band Leader : Mambo!

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Mambo?

Robert Tracey : Mambo!

Nina Tracey née Chapman : Mambo!