Phffft (1954)

Jack Carson: Charlie Nelson

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Quotes 

• Charlie Nelson : A mustache is a very important thing. That's part of the famous Charlie Nelson theory in the efficacy of face hair in dealing with the opposite sex.

  Robert Tracey : [Slightly taken aback]  What?

  Charlie Nelson : Always remember this: dames become unpredictable when faced with a mustache. It both arouses, and angers them, because... being as it is a symbol of masculinity, they feel drawn toward it.

• Charlie Nelson : Some girls are sort of, well, dismal. Everybody says, "What she needs is a husband." With you, it worked out the other way. What you needed was no husband.

• Charlie Nelson : Basically, the world is divided into the cryers and the laughers. There are sub-divisions, of course, like the whiners and the gigglers, but basically there are the two major schools.

  Nina Tracey née Chapman : Schools of what?

  Charlie Nelson : Well, to put it as delicately as possible, of getting a young lady into a receptive mood for, you know, romance. What it amounts to is this. You can laugh them into it or you can cry them into it.

• Charlie Nelson : There's nothing in the divorce agreement giving Nina custody of the liquor.

  Robert Tracey : Well, it's very true. As a matter of fact, that's a well-taken point.

• Charlie Nelson : Well, now that you're all moved in and settled, let's get down to the business at hand. Dames! Who we gonna get for you?

  Robert Tracey : Hey, wait a minute, Charlie. Do me one favor. No dames. Don't you introduce me to anyone. The last time you introduced me to a dame, thank you, it was a *disaster*, a total disaster. You introduced me to a dame, it took me eight years to get over. No, thank you, not again!

• Charlie Nelson : Come on, boy, snap out of it. You're in for a ball.

• Charlie Nelson : [on the phone]  That's right. That's right, that's right. I'll come up sometime and we'll play Pony Express. Pony Express? Well, that's like Post Office, only a little more - horsing around.

• Robert Tracey : Grow a mustache?

  Charlie Nelson : Sure.

  Robert Tracey : I'd probably look like Groucho Marx.

• Robert Tracey : I have no interest in girls like Janis or that Marcia. We have nothing to talk about.

  Charlie Nelson : Look, Bobby, Janis is basic. You got to make it with a Janis or you're dead! Besides, who says you got to talk to them? You're back in the jungle, boy, you're a hungry tiger, a lithe, young animal.

  Robert Tracey : I'm a lithe, middle-aged animal.

• Charlie Nelson : Are you busy tonight? Maybe I can fix you up a date.

  Robert Tracey : No! Please! I will not go through that again. I just don't seem to have anything to say to 20-year-old girls anymore.

• Charlie Nelson : Look, Marcia, let's take a break. We've done enough for today, anyway. Now you type that stuff up, and we'll get a fresh start tomorrow. Let's make it early, around eleven.

• Nina Tracey née Chapman : Come on in. I'm just in the midst of making martinis.

  Charlie Nelson : Martinis?

  Nina Tracey née Chapman : I've got glasses in the ice box to chill. Is that right?

  Charlie Nelson : Well, that's imperative. That's absolutely crucial. You know, when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is brush my teeth. The second thing, I put the glasses in to chill.

• Charlie Nelson : I don't know how it happened to pop out right now. It's part of the famous Charlie Nelson technique. I don't know why I should be using it on you, though.

  Nina Tracey née Chapman : I don't know why you shouldn't.

• Charlie Nelson : Hey, man, you smell good.

  Nina Tracey née Chapman : Well, I certainly should at $35 an ounce.