The Apartment (1960)

Shirley MacLaine: Fran Kubelik

Photos 

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Quotes 

• C.C. Baxter : The mirror... it's broken.

  Fran Kubelik : Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.

• [last lines] 

  C.C. Baxter : You hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.

  Fran Kubelik : Shut up and deal...

• Fran Kubelik : When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.

• Fran Kubelik : He's a taker.

  C.C. Baxter : A what?

  Fran Kubelik : Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.

• Fran Kubelik : Would you mind opening the window?

  C.C. Baxter : Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.

  Fran Kubelik : I just want some fresh air.

  C.C. Baxter : It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.

  Fran Kubelik : So they'll shoot me - like a horse.

  C.C. Baxter : Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.

  Fran Kubelik : Who'd care?

  C.C. Baxter : I would.

  Fran Kubelik : Why can't I ever fall in love with someone nice like you?

• Fran Kubelik : Why do people have to love people anyway?

• Fran Kubelik : I never catch colds.

  C.C. Baxter : Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?

  Fran Kubelik : That makes me feel just terrible.

  C.C. Baxter : Why?

  Fran Kubelik : Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.

  C.C. Baxter : [sheepishly]  Yeah... it's me.

• C.C. Baxter : I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world - but it's not, really. I went through exactly the same thing myself.

  Fran Kubelik : You did?

  C.C. Baxter : Well, maybe not exactly - I tried to do it with a gun.

  Fran Kubelik : Over a girl?

  C.C. Baxter : Worse than that - She was the wife of my best friend. And I was mad for her, but I knew it was hopeless. So I decided to end it all. I went to a pawnshop and bought a forty-five automatic and drove up to Eden Park. Do you know Cincinnati?

  Fran Kubelik : No, I don't.

  C.C. Baxter : Anyway, I parked the car and loaded the gun... Well, you read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves, but believe me, it's not that easy. I mean, how do you do it?

  [cocks his finger, and points to his temple] 

  C.C. Baxter : Here?

  [points to his mouth] 

  C.C. Baxter : Or here?

  [points to his chest] 

  C.C. Baxter : Or here? You know where I finally shot myself?

  Fran Kubelik : Where?

  C.C. Baxter : [indicating kneecap]  Here.

  Fran Kubelik : In the knee?

  C.C. Baxter : Uh-huh. While I was sitting there, trying to make my mind up, a cop stuck his head in the car, because I was illegally parked. So I started to hide the gun under the seat and it went off - pow!

  Fran Kubelik : [laughing]  That's terrible.

  C.C. Baxter : Yeah. Took me a year before I could bend my knee - but I got over the girl in three weeks. She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids, gained twenty pounds. She sends me a fruit cake every Christmas.

• Fran Kubelik : Just because I wear a uniform doesn't make me a girl scout.

• Fran Kubelik : I'd like to spell it out for you... only I can't spell!

• Fran Kubelik : What's a tennis racket doing in the kitchen?

  C.C. Baxter : Tennis racket? Oh, I remember, I was cooking myself an Italian dinner.

  [Fran looks confused] 

  C.C. Baxter : I use it to strain the spaghetti.

• Fran Kubelik : You fool. You damn fool.

• Fran Kubelik : I was jinxed from the word go. The first time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.

• Fran Kubelik : Shall I light the candles?

  C.C. Baxter : It's a must! Gracious living-wise.

• C.C. Baxter : It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two.

  Fran Kubelik : Do you usually eat alone?

  C.C. Baxter : Oh no. Sometimes I have dinner with Ed Sullivan. Sometimes Dinah Shore, or Perry Como. The other night I had dinner with Mae West. Of course she was much younger then.

• Fran Kubelik : What do you call it when somebody keeps getting smashed up in automobile accidents?

  C.C. Baxter : Bad insurance risk?

  Fran Kubelik : That's me with men.

• Fran Kubelik : [Baxter is straining spaghetti with a tennis racket]  Say, you're pretty good with that racket.

  C.C. Baxter : You should see my backhand. Wait'll you see me serve the meatballs.

• J.D. Sheldrake : I've missed you.

  Fran Kubelik : Like old times. Same booth, same song...

  J.D. Sheldrake : It's been hell.

  Fran Kubelik : Same sauce: sweet and sour.

• J.D. Sheldrake : Sorry it took me so long on the phone. But we're all set.

  Fran Kubelik : All set for what?

  J.D. Sheldrake : I rented a car. It's going to be here at one o'clock. We're driving to Atlantic City.

  Fran Kubelik : Atlantic City?

  J.D. Sheldrake : I know it's a drag. But you can't find a hotel room in town, not on New Year's Eve

  Fran Kubelik : Ring out the old year, ring in the new. Ring-a-ding-ding.

  J.D. Sheldrake : I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.

  Fran Kubelik : Baxter?

  J.D. Sheldrake : He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.

  Fran Kubelik : He wouldn't?

  J.D. Sheldrake : Just walked out on me. Quit. Threw that big fat job right in my face.

  Fran Kubelik : [With a faint smile]  The nerve.

  J.D. Sheldrake : That little punk, after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?

  Fran Kubelik : I don't know. I guess that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

  J.D. Sheldrake : [as the piano player starts playing Auld Lang Syne, he kisses Fran, but Fran is preoccupied]  Happy New Year, Fran!

  J.D. Sheldrake : [He turns away for a moment then looks back. Fran is gone, and is running to Baxter's apartment]  Fran? Where are you, Fran?

• C.C. Baxter : There's a great little band at El Chico, in the Village. It's practically around the corner from where you live.

  Fran Kubelik : Sounds good. How do you know where I live?

  C.C. Baxter : Oh, I... even know who you live with. Your sister and brother-in-law. I know when you were born and where. I know all sorts of things about you.

  Fran Kubelik : How come?

  C.C. Baxter : A couple of months ago I looked up your card in the group insurance file. I know your height and your weight and your social security number. You had mumps and measles and you had your appendix out.

  Fran Kubelik : Don't mention the appendix to the fellas in the office. Okay? I wouldn't want 'em to get the wrong idea about how you found out.