The Absent Minded Professor (1961)
Fred MacMurray: Professor Ned Brainard
Photos
Quotes
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Prof. Ned Brainard : Let's see, flying rubber... Flubber!
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Prof. Ned Brainard : Substance X, we dub thee... Flubber!
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Prof. Ned Brainard : Corners beautifully, doesn't it?
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Prof. Ned Brainard : I'm an American! See it? My credit cards!
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Prof. Ned Brainard : I'm a desperate man, Charlie, and desperate men do desperate things.
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Prof. Ned Brainard : Eureka! It works! Perfect control.
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[first lines]
Prof. Ned Brainard : Energy takes on many forms. Example, what do we know of acoustical energy? It was discovered by a famous scientist, right? Wrong. We must give full credit to an Italian tenor who, one night, was singing an aria in a Milano pizza parlor. You all know the story, how he hit a high note, and the sound waves shattered a wine glass on the other side of the room. Watch me, and I will show you acoustical energy at work
[Brainard pulls out a trumpet and a glass. He blows a high note on the trumpet. Nothing happens. He blows a louder note on the trumpet. Still nothing. He blows a longer loud note. Still nothing. He then blows an even longer and louder note. Various test-tubes break on his desk. The lenses on a student's pair of glasses break. Everything behind Brainard is breaking apart except for the wine glass. Then suddenly, the room begins to fill with smoke]
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[at the basketball game]
Betsy Carlisle : Oh, if Biff Hawk were only playing tonight.
Prof. Shelby Ashton : Ah, yes, yes. I heard he was ineligible.
[tauntingly to Brainard]
Prof. Shelby Ashton : Now, I wonder who could've flunked your star player? We're much more realistic about things like that at Rutland.
Prof. Ned Brainard : So I hear. I understand you pay your basketball players more than you do your English teachers.
Prof. Shelby Ashton : [offended] That's ridiculous! I get twice as much as...
[embarrassed, realizing Brainard's right]
Prof. Shelby Ashton : I really don't care to discuss it.
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[having figured out what Brainard has been doing, Alonzo and Biff show up to visit him]
Mrs. Chatsworth : Someone to see you, Professor.
Prof. Ned Brainard : Oh, I can't see anybody now, Mrs. Chatsworth. What does he want?
Alonzo P. Hawk : [stepping in] Your kind indulgence, Professor. Can you find it in your heart to forgive this hotblooded businessman?
Prof. Ned Brainard : The hotblooded businessman who plans to tear down Medfield College? What do you want, Mr. Hawk?
Alonzo P. Hawk : [cheerily] Wonderful things! Wonderful things for all of us! Visualize, if you will, a whole new Medfield College. Ten new buildings, 10 stories high! One building devoted entirely to science!
[beat; Brainard remains silent]
Alonzo P. Hawk : Two, if you will?
[still nothing]
Alonzo P. Hawk : Three? How does it sound?
Prof. Ned Brainard : It sounds great. But, uh, just where is all this money coming from, Mr. Hawk?
Alonzo P. Hawk : [looking down at Brainard's Model T] From a certain revolutionary discovery.
Prof. Ned Brainard : What's so revolutionary about an old Tin Lizzie?
Alonzo P. Hawk : Nothing, unless, of course, it happens to fly.
Prof. Ned Brainard : [playing dumb] Fly?
Alonzo P. Hawk : Like I saw it did last night.
Prof. Ned Brainard : [realizing the jig's up] Oh. You saw it, huh?
Alonzo P. Hawk : [knowingly] Uh-huh.
Biff Hawk : Prof, I gotta hand it to you. You sure know...
Alonzo P. Hawk : [to Biff] Hold it! Hold it!
[to Brainard]
Alonzo P. Hawk : Now why don't we trust each other, Professor? After all, you're a man of science, head in the clouds. I'm a down-to-Earth, dollars-and-cents man.
Biff Hawk : That's right. My pop always says he can smell a buck 10 miles...
Alonzo P. Hawk : [to Biff] I'LL DO THE TALKING, SON! That's a good boy.
[to Brainard]
Alonzo P. Hawk : There's a million angles to this. The government! The space age! What they wouldn't give to get their sticky hands on this little tin --
[Alonzo tries to touch the car, but Brainard deflects him from doing so]
Alonzo P. Hawk : That's where I come in. When I get through talking with them, they'll come crawling to us on their knees with bags of money, barrels of money!
Prof. Ned Brainard : Mr. Hawk, let me get this straight. You want me to turn my discovery over to you so you can blackmail our government?
Alonzo P. Hawk : All right then, look at it this way. Medfield College can grow and prosper, or it can wither and die on the vine. That's entirely up to you.
Prof. Ned Brainard : I see. Mr. Hawk, I want to thank you for dropping by. You've made up my mind for me.
Alonzo P. Hawk : Now you're talking!
Prof. Ned Brainard : I'm going to call the President.
Alonzo P. Hawk : [amused] Daggett? He don't cut any ice!
Prof. Ned Brainard : The President of the United States. Is that enough ice for you?
