One, Two, Three (1961)

Borodenko : When will papers be ready?

C.R. Macnamara : I'll put my secretary right to work on it.

Mishkin : Your secretary? She's that blonde lady?

C.R. Macnamara : That's the one.

Peripetchikoff : [after conferring with the others] You will send papers to East Berlin with blonde lady in triplicate.

C.R. Macnamara : You want the papers in triplicate, or the blonde in triplicate?

Peripetchikoff : See what you can do.

C.R. MacNamara : Scarlet!

Scarlet : What's all the excitement?

C.R. MacNamara : Oh nothing... you just scared the hell out of us! You alright?

Scarlet : I'm just, marvy.

C.R. MacNamara : What were you doing in East Berlin?

Scarlet : You mean last night?

C.R. MacNamara : I mean *all* those night?

Scarlet : You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!

C.R. MacNamara : What boy? What have you been up to?

Scarlet : Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.

C.R. MacNamara : Arrest you?

Scarlet : Because I was taking pictures. And then there was this boy -- he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.

C.R. MacNamara : [nods and smiles sarcastically] Naturally.

Scarlet : [holds up a photograph] Want to see his picture?

C.R. MacNamara : Not particularly.

Scarlet : No, I want your honest opinion.

[MacNamara takes the photograph and looks at it. The picture consists of someone carrying a large picture of Nikita Khrushchev]

Scarlet : Isn't he beautiful?

C.R. MacNamara : [double takes as he tries to understand what he's seeing] You fell in love with Khrushchev!

Scarlet : No silly, the one that's carrying Khruschev. His name's Otto.

[the office door opens and Schlemmer enters. He walks up to MacNamara and clicks his heels]

Schlemmer : I finally got East Berlin on the phone and just like I told you, wrong number.

Scarlet : [to Schlemmer] Hi there.

C.R. MacNamara : [hands Scarlet the photograph] Now you and this Otto, exactly what do you do when you're together?

Scarlet : Oh, all kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts and he broadens my mind. And if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof and watch the Sputniks go by.

C.R. MacNamara : Is that all?

Scarlet : Well, last night we were blowing up balloons.

C.R. MacNamara : Balloons?

Scarlet : You know...

[Scarlet produces a balloon and begins to inflate it]

Schlemmer : It is a Communist trick. When the wind is right, they float them across to undermine our morale.

[Scarlet finishes inflating the balloon, which MacNamara takes to look at. On the front of the balloon, are three words, which read: "Yankee Go Home"]

C.R. MacNamara : [with shock] Yankee Go Home!

Scarlet : They come in all colors. Green, and yellow, and blue.

C.R. MacNamara : You've been helping this guy to spread anti-American propaganda!

Scarlet : It's not anti-American, it's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.

Schlemmer : I have a good mind to change this to "Russki Go Home", and when the wind blows the other way...

C.R. MacNamara : [hands the balloon to Schlemmer] Okay! Okay!

C.R. MacNamara : You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

Peripetchikoff : Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

C.R. MacNamara : [voiceover] Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude.

C.R. MacNamara : Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad.

Scarlet : So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia.

C.R. MacNamara : Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into!

C.R. MacNamara : They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. You know where that is?

Fritz : Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Goring, and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.

Otto : [bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat] I'm going to like this job!

C.R. MacNamara : It's about time you started cooperating.

Otto : You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!

C.R. MacNamara : Put your pants on, Spartacus!

[First line, voiceover]

C.R. MacNamara : On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - REAL SHIFTY!

C.R. MacNamara : It's that damned German efficiency.

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, I want all those people out there to drop everything and stand by for orders! General alarm, complete mobilization!

Schlemmer : Ah, like the good old days, yes, sir!

[But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer (played by Til Kiwe)]

Schlemmer : Herr Oberleutnant!

C.R. MacNamara : You two know each other?

Schlemmer : He was my commanding officer.

C.R. MacNamara : In the subway?

Schlemmer : No, after that, when I was drafted.

C.R. MacNamara : Aha! Gestapo!

Schlemmer : No, no, SS.

C.R. MacNamara : Ten minutes early! That's a hell of a way to run an airline! Planes are supposed to be late, not early!

Otto : Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks.

Scarlet : [to MacNamara] He talks like that all the time.

[to Otto]

Scarlet : Tell him about Coca-Cola Colonialism.

Otto : As Chairman Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the revolution...

C.R. MacNamara : [Interrupting] To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev!

Otto : [Drawing in a big breath and puffing out his chest] The hell with Frank Sinatra.

C.R. MacNamara : Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?

Schlemmer : I was in der Untergrund: the underground.

C.R. MacNamara : Resistance fighter?

Schlemmer : No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway.

Peripetchikoff : No formula, NO DEAL!

C.R. MacNamara : OK, NO DEAL!

Borodenko : We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!

C.R. MacNamara : Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?

Mishkin : No comment!

C.R. MacNamara : And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?

Peripetchikoff : No comment!

C.R. MacNamara : Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for SHEEP DIP! RIGHT?

Mishkin : No comment!

C.R. MacNamara : So either get down to business or get off the pot!

Peripetchikoff : My dear American friend, if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be a certain amount of give and take.

C.R. MacNamara : Oh, sure - we give and you take.

Peripetchikoff : What is the matter - you do not trust us?

C.R. MacNamara : No comment!

C.R. MacNamara : [at first meeting Otto] Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks!

Scarlet : He doesn't wear shorts, either! Isn't that exciting?

Peripetchikoff : [trying to trade for Ingeborg] Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone.

C.R. MacNamara : You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?

Peripetchikoff : Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.

C.R. MacNamara : [to Otto] The only royalty we know are Count Basie, Duke Snider, and Earl Wilson.

Otto : You! I should take that "wedding present" and break it over your head!

C.R. MacNamara : That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail!

Otto : You got me into jail!

C.R. MacNamara : So we're even!

C.R. MacNamara : [Schlemmer has returned from East Berlin wearing Ingeborg's dress] Schlemmer!

Schlemmer : Yes, sir? I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning.

Ingeborg : Look at my dress! It's ruined!

C.R. MacNamara : Did you have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?

Schlemmer : No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. He was very fresh, wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy?"

C.R. MacNamara : Oh, yeah, I uh, I forgot he doesn't wear shorts.

[underwear]

Phyllis MacNamara : No wonder they're winning the Cold War.

Phyllis MacNamara : Well, why can't you get yourself a nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta?

C.R. MacNamara : Atlanta? You can't be serious! That's Siberia with mint juleps!

C.R. MacNamara : What's come over you, Phyllis? After sixteen years...

Phyllis MacNamara : Maybe after sixteen years, every marriage gets a little stale, like a leftover glass of beer.

C.R. MacNamara : Can't we discuss this problem without bringing up a rival beverage?

Jeweler : Schmuck!

C.R. MacNamara : What did you say?

Jeweler : Schmuck- Jewelry.

C.R. MacNamara : Oh.

Otto : We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you!

C.R. MacNamara : Do me a favor. Bury us but don't marry us.

C.R. MacNamara : Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious, others were suspicious and rude. The eastern sector under communist domination was still in rubble but the people went about their daily business, parading.

Peripetchikoff : Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour of Bolshoi Ballet?

C.R. MacNamara : Please, no culture, just cash.

Mishkin : The Ugly American!

C.R. MacNamara : [Looks at balloon Scarlett Hazeltine is holding] Yankee go home?

Scarlet : They come in all colors... green and yellow and blue.

C.R. MacNamara : You been helpin' this guy to spread anti-American propaganda?

Scarlet : It's not anti-American. It's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.

C.R. MacNamara : You've defected?

Peripetchikoff : Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man."

[Ingeborg is in her slip in MacNamara's office]

C.R. MacNamara : You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing.

Ingeborg : [looking down] That's nothing. You should see my sister.

Ingeborg : Here's your mail, here's your Wall Street Journal, and here's my resignation.

C.R. MacNamara : Resignation? What are you talking about?

Ingeborg : You do not work me overtime anymore, you do not take advantage of me on weekends, you have lost all interest in the... umlaut. So obviously, my services are no longer required here.

C.R. MacNamara : The only thing I want from you, Scarlett Piffl, is silence. And very little of it!

Peripetchikoff : While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.

C.R. MacNamara : Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us.

Otto : I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street.

C.R. MacNamara : Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?

C.R. MacNamara : [Scarlet takes off Otto's cap, revealing his shaggy, disheveled hair] He could use a haircut... and I'd like to give it to him myself with a hammer and sickle.

C.R. MacNamara : No, don't pack his old clothes!

Schlemmer : What shall we do with them?

C.R. MacNamara : Burn them! But first have them disinfected!

C.R. MacNamara : Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf.

Schlemmer : Adolf who?

Peripetchikoff : I snitched Borodenko's secret police badge and had them both arrested.

Otto : You betrayed your own comrades?

Peripetchikoff : If I didn't do it to them, they do it to me.

C.R. MacNamara : Is old Russian proverb.

Otto : You're worse than he is.

Peripetchikoff : Look my young friend. I don't want to be name dropper, but what do you think Kruschev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?

Otto : Is everybody in this world corrupt?

Peripetchikoff : I don't know everybody.

Phyllis MacNamara : Atlanta!

C.R. MacNamara : Yeah, I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps. They're kicking me upstairs.

Phyllis MacNamara : That's something I've always wanted to do myself.

C.R. MacNamara : Cigarette? Cigar?

Peripetchikoff : Here, take one of these.

C.R. Macnamara : Thanks. Hm, 'Made in Havana'.

Peripetchikoff : We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.

C.R. Macnamara : Good thinking.

C.R. MacNamara : I think your mother's absolutely right, it's silly to pack them. What are you gonna do with roller skates in Venice? All the streets are under water.

Tommy MacNamara : So what? I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel.

C.R. MacNamara : I wish I were in hell with my back broken...

C.R. MacNamara : What have we got here?

Phyllis MacNamara : Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks.

[in mock Southern accent]

Phyllis MacNamara : Isn't that marvy?

[squeaky giggle]

C.R. MacNamara : [On the phone with headquarters in Atlanta] And how about the Russian deal? Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it, but Coca Cola's gonna' pull it off.

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Forget it, MacNamara. Forget it. We are not interested in doing business behind the Iron Curtain.

C.R. MacNamara : We're not interested in the Russian market?

Wendell P. Hazeltine : I wouldn't touch the Russians with a ten-foot pole... and I don't want anything to do with the Poles, either.

Scarlet : Before you meet Daddy, I must warn you there are certain things he feels very strongly about. One is the Civil War.

Otto : Civil War?

C.R. MacNamara : If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw.

Phyllis MacNamara : Feeling pretty good, aren't you mein fuehrer?

C.R. MacNamara : Not bad.

Phyllis MacNamara : You framed that poor boy.

C.R. MacNamara : You bet I did. I'm not gonna let that Communist kook ruin somebody's life.

Phyllis MacNamara : But she loves him.

C.R. MacNamara : Not her life, mine.

C.R. MacNamara : You married a Communist?

Scarlet : He's not a Communist. He's a Republican. He comes from the Republic of East Germany.

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer you're back in the SS, small salary!

Ingeborg : What do you want in this, cream, sugar?

C.R. MacNamara : Just a couple of lumps of Benzedrine. It's gonna be a rough day.

C.R. MacNamara : Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad.

C.R. MacNamara : [to Otto, who is ranting at Mac about revolution while waiting for his wedding trousers to be altered] Put your pants on, Spartacus!

C.R. MacNamara : [to his office staff as they snap to attention numerous times] Sitzen machen!

C.R. MacNamara : C'mon, let's make an effort.

Phyllis MacNamara : Yes, mein führer.

C.R. MacNamara : [On Schlemmer's constant clicking of heels at attention] That old Gestapo training, huh?

Schlemmer : Please, Mr. MacNamara, you must not say that. It is not true.

Schlemmer : They absolutely will not permit us to install a Coke machine in the Reichstag.

C.R. MacNamara : Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder who won the war.

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, how can we find out what happened to her? Can we get any information from East Berlin?

Schlemmer : Only through official channels, in triplicate.

C.R. MacNamara : What if we just picked up the phone and phone the authorities over there?

Schlemmer : It is not that easy.

C.R. MacNamara : Why not?

Schlemmer : There is no direct phone service to East Berlin. You have to call Stockholm, from there go through Warsaw to Leipzig, then to East Berlin. And then nine times out of 10 you get the wrong number.

C.R. MacNamara : Try it anyway.

Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels] Yes, sir.

Otto : Look, commissar, you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet zone.

Peripetchikoff : There may be a little problem.

C.R. MacNamara : Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You wanna fight all that traffic?

C.R. MacNamara : Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.

Peripetchikoff : Royalty? In Russia we do not have royalty - not since we liquidate the czar.

Otto : And, of course, we'll see him on Mayday. He'll be marching by in the parade. We can wave to him.

C.R. MacNamara : You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday. That kid'll be parading all the time.

Scarlet : Well, at least it'll keep him off the street.

Berta : [Introduces himself to MacNamara] Count von Droste Schattenburg.

C.R. MacNamara : MacNamara from Omaha, Nebraska.

C.R. MacNamara : [Greeting the three Russian bureaucrats] If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx!

C.R. MacNamara : [to wife, Phyllis] You wanna go home, and pay taxes?

C.R. MacNamara : [on the telephone] Look, if you guys can burn down the Reichstag, you can set a match to a measly marriage certificate. And it has to be done tonight.

Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels] Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, how many times have I told you? I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office.

Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels] I know. I've given strict orders.

C.R. MacNamara : That reminds me. Call the Frankfort plant and have them ship us another hundred thousand bottles. People keep smuggling Cokes into the Eastern sector and not returning the empties.

C.R. MacNamara : [dictating report to home office] Production figures for May - 270,000 cases. Consumption per capita now 5.2% above last year. Out-selling Rhine wine, eight to one. Rapidly creeping up on draft beer. Next, publicity campaign to reorient German businessmen's lunch succeeded -- 27 percent now having Coke with their knockwurst. Next, here's a real hot flash. We may become the first American company to crack the Iron Curtain.

Berta : For an additional 500 marks, I will include the family crest.

C.R. MacNamara : What is it, two cakes of soap and a paper towel?

Berta : [Hands MacNamara a couple photos] A porcupine rampant on a field of fleur de lis. You may also have a photograph of the Schattenburg Castle. Unfortunately destroyed during the war.

C.R. MacNamara : American Air Force?

Berta : No. Turkish cavalry, 1683.

Berta : So, your proposition is not only preposterous, it is highly insulting. Make it 10,000 marks.

C.R. MacNamara : I'll give you 3,000.

Berta : Please. I just told you I came from a long line of leaders, so don't compromise.

C.R. MacNamara : Four thousand.

Berta : I will have you know that I'm distantly related to ex-king Farouk of Egypt.

C.R. MacNamara : Thirty-five hundred.

Berta : What happened to 4,000?

C.R. MacNamara : It's a deal.

C.R. MacNamara : That's just what the world needs - another bouncing baby Bolshevik.

Phyllis MacNamara : And remember when I had Tommy?

C.R. MacNamara : Do I ever. Right in the Zurich airport.

Phyllis MacNamara : We had a hell of a time getting him out of Customs.

C.R. MacNamara : Cigarette, cigar?

Peripetchikoff : Here, take one of these.

C.R. MacNamara : Thanks. Hmmm. Made in Havana.

C.R. MacNamara : We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.

C.R. MacNamara : Good thinking. Now, I understand from comrade Mishkin that you guys are very keen on getting Coca Cola into Russia.

Mishkin : Is totally wrong. I did not say we are keen. I said we are mildly interested.

C.R. MacNamara : Nevertheless... .

[coughs]

C.R. MacNamara : You know something. You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

Peripetchikoff : Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

C.R. MacNamara : That'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg.

Ingeborg : Jawohl!

C.R. MacNamara : And take your gum.

Ingeborg : [Picks gum from under the desk arm and puts it in her mouth] Jawohl!

C.R. MacNamara : Forget it, Piffl. You're not going to Moscow. You can't even get back to East Berlin.

Otto Ludwig Piffl : Why not?

C.R. MacNamara : Because you're an American spy.

Otto Ludwig Piffl : Who says so?

C.R. MacNamara : You did. Don't you remember last night, the police station. You signed a confession. An Americanish shpion.

Otto Ludwig Piffl : No. Nein nein nein nein nein.

C.R. MacNamara : Ya. Ya ya ya ya ya.

Scarlet : Isn't that thrilling darling? Why didn't you tell me?

Otto Ludwig Piffl : Nein! I'm not a spy. It's not true.

C.R. MacNamara : Makes you think, doesn't it? About all those other confessions?

C.R. MacNamara : Liebchen? I don't want that creep in my office! Why didn't you send him home to clean out his cage?

Scarlet : I think he'd better be here 'cause we have something to tell you.

C.R. MacNamara : Tell me what? You're not engaged again, are you?

Scarlet : No, not this time.

C.R. MacNamara : [With relief] Thank God.

Scarlet : We're married.

C.R. MacNamara : For a minute there I was afraid...

[stops as he suddenly realizes what he just heard]

C.R. MacNamara : You're married?

Scarlet : Uh-huh, it'll be six weeks on Monday.

C.R. MacNamara : You married a Communist?

Scarlet : He's not a Communist, he's a Republican. Comes from the Republic of East Germany.

C.R. MacNamara : Why you dumb, stupid, little pot! Do you realize what you've done? You've ruined me, that's all! What are your parents going to say? They trusted me and I trusted you! Then you go and pull an idiotic stunt like this!

Scarlet : Why didn't you look after me better?

C.R. MacNamara : Fifteen years with the company down the drain... I'll be blacklisted! My kids will starve! My wife will be selling pencils! And all on account of you and your hot blood!

C.R. MacNamara : Mother of mercy, is this the end of little Rico?

[Following his retrieval from East Berlin, Otto is laying on a sofa in MacNamara's office. As Scarlett begins to wake him, he hears a familiar sound. He turns over to see MacNamara's cuckoo clock on the wall. As he recognizes it, he turns towards MacNamara, who is watching the seen before him. Upon coming to his senses, Otto gets up]

Otto : You! I should take that wedding present and break it over your head!

C.R. MacNamara : That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail.

Otto : You got me into jail!

C.R. MacNamara : So we're even.

[MacNamara is attempting to negotiate a deal with the members of the Russian delegation. The three of them are shown whispering something to each other. After a few seconds, Peripetchikoff looks over at MacNamara]

Peripetchikoff : Alright, we agree in principle. You supply the syrup.

C.R. MacNamara : Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.

Peripetchikoff : Royalty? In Russia we do not have royalty, not since we liquidate the Tsar.

[MacNamara can be seen arriving at work. As he enters, all his employees rise up and stand at attention]

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!

[a door opens and Schlemmer enters. He shouts something in German and everyone sits down again]

Schlemmer : [With embarrassment] I'm sorry, I will keep them after hours practicing.

C.R. MacNamara : Never mind that, my chauffer didn't show up this morning.

Schlemmer : Fritz? I will find out what happened to him.

C.R. MacNamara : I don't care what happened to him, find out what happened to my car!

Schlemmer : Jawohl!

[Schlemmer clicks his heels. Without looking at him, MacNamara gives an annoyed look]

Schlemmer : [With more embarrassment] Oh, I'm sorry. While they are practicing not standing, I will practice not clicking my heels.

[MacNamara is at his desk when the phone rings. He picks it up]

C.R. MacNamara : Yes?

[Looks ahead and waves his umbrella]

C.R. MacNamara : It's Atlanta. Hello? Hello? Mr. Hazeltine? Yes, I can hear you. I'm fine, Mr. Hazeltine. How are you?

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Well if you must know, I'm miserable. Those damn magnolias are in bloom again and so is my hay fever!

[Hazeltine takes a tissue and wipes his nose]

Wendell P. Hazeltine : MacNamara, there's something important I'd like to discuss with you.

C.R. MacNamara : [With enthusiasm] I thought you would, Mr. Hazeltine. You got my teletype?

Wendell P. Hazeltine : [Holds up a piece of paper] It's right here in front of me. Those figures from May are not bad, not bad at all.

C.R. MacNamara : [With glee] Thank you, sir! And how about the Russian deal? Napoleon blew it. Hitler blew it. But Coca-Cola's gonna pull it off!

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Forget it, MacNamara, forget it! We are not interested in doing business behind the Iron Curtain!

C.R. MacNamara : [With shock] We're not interested in the Russian Market?

Wendell P. Hazeltine : I wouldn't touch the Russian with a ten foot pole! And I don't want anything to do with the Poles, either!

C.R. MacNamara : But this could be the biggest thing for the company since we introduced the six-pack!

[MacNamara is silent for a few seconds as his enthusiasm suddenly drops]

C.R. MacNamara : ...well, if it's against front office policy.

Wendell P. Hazeltine : You're damn right! But that's not what I called you about. Look MacNamara, I need you to do me a big personal favor.

C.R. MacNamara : [Put out] Yes, Mr. Hazeltine. You want me to ship Mrs. Hazeltine another set of Meissen China?

Wendell P. Hazeltine : No, it's about our daughter, Scarlett. She's seventeen, now, sweet girl. Fell in love with some damn rock and roll singer. No, that was the one before. This is some pimple-faced basketball player. Anyway, we sent her off on a little trip to Europe.

[Hazeltine wipes his nose again]

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Where was I?

C.R. MacNamara : Daughter Scarlet, pimple faced basketball player, sent her to Europe...

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Oh yes! We had her spend a couple of weeks with our representative in Rome. And a couple of weeks with our man in Paris, and she's arriving in Berlin this afternoon. So I would appreciate it if you and Mrs. MacNamara...

C.R. MacNamara : Oh we'd be delighted to have her stay with us. It's just that... uh... my family has made some plans, and... I have a few plans of my own.

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Well if it's any sort of imposition, never mind. I'm sorry I called you.

C.R. MacNamara : Actually, I wasn't thinking of myself. It's your daughter I'm concerned about. With the political situation in Berlin the way it is, anything can happen, anytime.

Wendell P. Hazeltine : Exactly! That's why I want you to take especially good care of her! She's just a child really, and I don't like her to stay at a hotel alone at a time like this. She's flying Pan Am, the plane is due in Berlin at 4:30, unless those damn Commies shoot it down!

[MacNamara can be seen in his office. At some point, the sound of a door opening can be heard. Seconds later, Schlemmer comes into view and clicks his heels]

C.R. MacNamara : [Somewhat annoyed] What is it, Schlemmer?

Schlemmer : It is the overseas operator, you are to stand by for a call from Atlanta, Georgia.

C.R. MacNamara : Atlanta? They must've gotten my teletype. I bet they're all worked about the Russian deal.

Schlemmer : It went good?

C.R. MacNamara : [Points at a map with his cane] Good? Look at this, Schlemmer. All virgin territory. 300 million thirsty comrades. Volga Boatmen and Cossacks. Ukrainians and Outer Mongolians. Panting for the paws of refreshments. Do you realize what it means if I can put this across?

Schlemmer : The stock will go up?

C.R. MacNamara : I'll go up! To the number one job, head of all European Operations. Headquarters in London.

Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels] May I be the first to congratulate you?

C.R. MacNamara : Should've had that job five years ago. I was all set for it, even bought myself an umbrella. But I got loused up by Benny Goodman.

Schlemmer : Benny Goodman?

C.R. MacNamara : I was in charge of the whole Middle East. Nine countries, fifteen bottling plants, all facing Mecca. Well Goodman and his band were coming through on a goodwill tour for the State Department. Thirty thousand people showed up for the concert, but Benny didn't, because his plane was delayed by a sandstorm. So the mob rioted and marched on the American Embassy. So the police turned them back. So they burned down the Coca-Cola Plant.

[Schlemmer shakes his head]

C.R. MacNamara : You know it. There was a big rhubarb at the home office, and suddenly, I was in the dog house! Exiled to South America! Schlepping that syrup over the Andes! On Llamas yet! While a bunch of crewcut kids were being promoted over my head!

Schlemmer : But you are in Berlin now, this is not the doghouse.

C.R. MacNamara : Yeah... I used to have nine countries, now I've got half a city, and that may blow up any day. But...

[MacNamara suddenly laughs and gets optimistic]

C.R. MacNamara : MacNamara rides again! I'll be the whitehaired boy now! I'm going all the way!

[MacNamara has just finished talking to his wife over the phone regarding Scarlett's whereabouts. Upon looking towards the office door, he sees Schlemmer talking to Fritz. After a few seconds, they both look at MacNamara]

Schlemmer : I think we are getting some place, we found Fritz.

[Both click their heels]

C.R. MacNamara : Fritz? To hell with Fritz! It's the girl we're looking for now!

Schlemmer : Precisely. He has some information.

[MacNamara walks over to them]

C.R. MacNamara : Where is she?

Fritz : I do not know. Not precisely. But last night, I dropped her at the Brandenburg Gate.

C.R. MacNamara : Brandenburg Gate? Why?

Fritz : Because that is where I drop her every night, and that is where I pick her up every morning.

C.R. MacNamara : [With surprise] How long has this been going on?

Fritz : Since last month. Usually I get her back to the house before you wake up. But this morning I wait for her and I wait...

C.R. MacNamara : You mean you've been helping her sneak out behind my back?

Fritz : Yes sir, but I have a very good excuse.

C.R. MacNamara : What?

Fritz : She pays me a hundred marks a night. Fifty for driving her, fifty for not telling you.

Schlemmer : [Looks at MacNamara] Do I have your permission to fire him?

C.R. MacNamara : Not yet.

[MacNamara looks at Fritz again]

C.R. MacNamara : Now let's go step by step. After you drop her at the Brandenburg Gate, what does she do?

Fritz : She crosses the border into East Berlin.

C.R. MacNamara : [Processes this as he realizes what's been happening] East Berlin?

Fritz : That is why I'm so worried, because this morning, she did not come back.

C.R. MacNamara : *You're worried?* I'm going down in flames and he's worried!

[Scarlett and Otto are beginning to leave MacNamara's office when the latter comes in looking rather gleeful]

C.R. MacNamara : Wait a minute, kids! Before you go, I'd like to give you a little present.

Otto : Why?

C.R. MacNamara : It's customary when two people get married!

[MacNamara walks over to a nearby cabinet, which he opens and pulls out a cocktail mixer]

Scarlet : Otto's friends didn't give us any presents, instead, they sent the money to the unemployed cotton pickers of Mississippi.

C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the mixer] How about a cocktail shaker? No, I guess not.

[Sets the shaker down when an idea suddenly comes to mind. He grins gleefully]

C.R. MacNamara : I know...

[Points to his clock and removes it from the wall. As he does this, we walks over to his desk]

C.R. MacNamara : A cuckoo clock. Hand made by dwarves in the Black Forest!

Otto : So now they're exploiting dwarves!

C.R. MacNamara : I'm sorry I haven't got any fancy wrapping paper!

[MacNamara picks up his edition of the "Wall Street Journal" and uses it to wrap the cuckoo clock]

Otto : We do not want anything from you!

Scarlet : Otto, don't be rude, I think it's very sweet of Mr. MacNamara. Now we'll have a bed and a clock.

Otto : We will get our own clock in Russia.

C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the clock and approaches Otto and Scarlett] If your clocks don't run any better than your trains, you might as well take this one!

Otto : [Takes the clock and smirks] You laugh at us now, but not for long. Because you're arrogant, and fat, and bloated! The worms will have a picnic!

Schlemmer : See ya on the barricades pal!

[Otto puts his hat on and opens the door to leave. As he heads out, he stops to wait for Scarlett]

Scarlet : [Looks at MacNamara] When the day comes, I'll put in a good word for you.

Otto : Scarlett!

Scarlet : It's my parents I feel sorry for, it's too late to save them. Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. Bye.

[Scarlett waves before turning to leave with Otto. MacNamara watches them leave before shutting the door and heading over to his office window. He looks down and sees Schlemmer putting a balloon on the exhaust pipe of Otto's motorcycle]

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!

[Schlemmer looks up towards the office window to see MacNamara]

C.R. MacNamara : [Points towards the front door] Hurry up!

[Schlemmer looks towards the front door to see Otto and Scarlett coming. With that, he finishes putting the balloon on the pipe and moves out of the way as Otto and Scarlett come outside. Otto walks up to his motorcycle while Scarlett heads towards MacNamara's car, where Fritz is waiting. As this is going on, Schlemmer hurries back inside]

Otto : [Kisses Scarlett] Auf wiedersehen, Leibchen.

Scarlet : Auf wiedersehen.

[Scarlett gets in the car. Otto watches her leave before he puts the clock in the sidecar of his motorcycle. A few seconds after starting it up, the exhaust begins to fill the balloon, which is shown to read "Russki Go Home." As Otto begins to drive off, MacNamara watches this gleefully. Seconds later, Schlemmer arrives in the office and clicks his heels]

C.R. MacNamara : [gleefully] Good boy, Schlemmer!

Schlemmer : Yes sir. Is there anything else you wish me to do?

C.R. MacNamara : No thanks, we can just sit back now and let the East German Police finish the job.

Schlemmer : Pardon me, I must be very stupid, but I do not understand any of this.

C.R. MacNamara : There's nothing to it. All it takes is a little knowledge of physics and elementary psychology.

[as MacNamara is talking, the camera fades to show Otto on his motorcycle, driving through West Berlin. What MacNamara describes occurs as follows]

C.R. MacNamara : Right now, Comrade Otto, Ludwig, Piffl, is tootling along on his motorcycle toward East Berlin. Gay, chipper, feeling like a million rubles. Little does he know that meanwhile, back at the exhaust, the fumes are filling the balloon. It gets bigger, and bigger. And all the time in the side car, a little booby trap is ticking away. Now if my calculations are correct, all these things will begin to pay off once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate.

C.R. MacNamara : Now uh... what time are you kids leaving?

Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.

Otto : Why do you want to know?

C.R. MacNamara : [Sarcastically] Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?

Scarlet : I'd better get back to the house and start packing. You think I ought to take both my mink coats?

Otto : Darling, no woman should have two mink coats until every woman in the world has one mink coat.

C.R. MacNamara : Why don't you cut the other one up and make him a pair of shorts? I hear it's freezing there all the time!

Schlemmer : [Whispering] Thirty below zero.

Otto : Fascist lies!

Scarlet : You'd better go home and pack too, darling.

Otto : It will take me no time. Just my chessboard, my extra shirt, and two hundred books.

C.R. MacNamara : Well as long as smiley here is going back to East Berlin, I'll get the car for you.

[MacNamara looks at Schlemmer]

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, will you run downstairs and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlet home?

[as the two of them begin to walk off, MacNamara puts his hand on Schlemmer's shoulder]

Schlemmer : [Whispering] You are letting her go to Moscow?

C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering] In a pig's eye.

[MacNamara smiles as he and Schlemmer continue walking]

C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering] Now look, his motorcycle is downstairs. Remember that idea you had about the balloon?

C.R. MacNamara : Now you listen to me, Scarlet Hazeltine, there's going to be no more of this foolishness. Because tomorrow, your parents are coming to take you home.

Scarlet : They are?

[the telephone rings. MacNamara picks it up]

C.R. MacNamara : Who? Chet Huntley? Alright, I'll speak to him. Hello, Mr. Huntley. I just wanted to tell you I've been watching your program. Keep up the good work. Bye.

[MacNamara hangs up the phone and looks at Scarlet again]

C.R. MacNamara : Now when your parents arrive, I want you to keep your mouth shut, for your sake, and mine. Because if they ever find out what's been going on...

Scarlet : I'd better talk this over with Otto...

C.R. MacNamara : Oh, no you don't. You're not going to see him again! And you're not going back to East Berlin!

Scarlet : Oh, he's right downstairs.

[Scarlet walks over to the window she opens it and looks down]

Scarlet : Otto!

[MacNamara looks outside to see a young man standing next to a motorcycle]

Scarlet : Otto, darling! Up here!

[Otto looks around to see where he hears Scarlet calling from. After a few seconds, he notices and waves to her]

Scarlet : Come on up, Liebchen!

[Otto straightens his cap and walks towards the front door]

[MacNamara is simultaneously talking on two telephones in his office while Schlemmer watches]

Schlemmer : Trouble?

C.R. MacNamara : I wish I were in hell with my back broken!

[MacNamara has arrived in his office. He heads to the desk and picks up a newspaper]

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!

[a door opens and Schlemmer enters]

Schlemmer : Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.

[Schlemmer smiles and clicks his heels]

C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, how many times I have I told you I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office?

Schlemmer : I know, I've given strict orders.

[Clicks his heels again]

C.R. MacNamara : Can't they get it through their Prussian heads? They're living in a democracy now!

Schlemmer : That is the trouble, in the old days if I ordered them to sit they would sit. Now with a democracy, they do what they want. What they want is to stand!

[MacNamara is talking to his son on the telephone regarding a pair of roller skates.]

Tommy MacNamara : [Holding the phone] Hello, Dad... nothing... it's just that Mother's ganging up on me.

C.R. MacNamara : What do you mean by that?

[pause as he listens]

C.R. MacNamara : I think you're mother's absolutely right. It's silly to pack them. What are you going to do with roller skates in Venice? All the streets are underwater.

Tommy MacNamara : So what? I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel.

C.R. MacNamara : Now, uh, what time are you kids leaving?

Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.

Otto : [with suspicion] Why do you want to know?

C.R. MacNamara : [with sarcasm] Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?

[MacNamara is struggling to come up with an explanation for the fact that Scarlet is pregnant]

C.R. MacNamara : Let me see... she was secretly married... to somebody in the American Embassy. They were honeymooning in the Alps... he was killed by an avalanche.

[MacNamara shakes his head in frustration]

C.R. MacNamara : Nah, that's no good.

[MacNamara continues thinking until he comes up with something else]

C.R. MacNamara : He was sent on a secret mission behind the Iron Curtain, never heard from again. As a matter of fact, the whole thing was so secret, we can't even mention his name!

Phyllis MacNamara : Now you're really running amuck. Do you really think that Scarlet is going to stand still for...

C.R. MacNamara : Better a dead hero than a live Communist! First thing in the morning, I'll pick up a Distinguished Service Medal. It was awarded to him posthumously.

Phyllis MacNamara : And while you're at it, pin one on yourself. First Class Heel with Oak Leaves clustered.

James Cagney: C.R. MacNamara

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