Dirty Dingus Magee (1970)

George Kennedy: Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill

Quotes 

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : This here is the chest from the stagecoach robbery and Dingus Magee estimates there may be as much as a million dolars in gold and silver pieces inside.

  Belle Nops : Well, the money ain't rightly ours, is it?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Finders keepers. That's the Code of the West, ain't it?

  Belle Nops : Gimme that crowbar!

• Charles Stuart : Here he comes! Shall I shoot him in the back when he passes?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : No! I want this to be a fair fight. I'll shoot him in the back. It's the Code of the West.

• Belle Nops : Where in the hell have you been?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : At the jail taking care of my outlaw.

  Belle Nops : I didn't make you Sheriff to take care of your outlaw, but to protect my girls here.

  [indicates her bordello] 

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Is somebody threatening them?

  Belle Nops : The Army is threatening them!

  Charles Stuart : The Army is threatening to move out.

  Belle Nops : And ruin every industry in Yerke's Hole... especially mine!

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Why would the Army move?

  Rev. Green : To go where the Indians are! That's what they come out west for - to fight Indians.

  Belle Nops : What we need is a good massacre.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : There ain't nothing but tamed Indians around here, Belle.

  Belle Nops : Well, stir 'em up!

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : How?

  Belle Nops : Break a treaty! Speak with forked tongue! How the hell should I know? I never started an uprising before!

• Belle Nops : [hands Hoke a badge]  Here. You're the new sheriff.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Maybe I oughta be sworn in or something.

  Belle Nops : Raise your right hand. Swear.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : To hell with Dingus Magee!

• Prudence Frost : You'll find the mayor over yonder - at Belle's Bordello.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : A Belle's what?

  Prudence Frost : Cathouse.

• Dingus Billy Magee : I'm sure you want to mosey out 'round look for the facilities. You don't want an uncomfortable ride over to Yerkey's Hole, do you?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : No, I don't. Goodbye...

  Dingus Billy Magee : I'll show you right where it is. It's right back here. Right 'round here. The facility.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Ain't nothin' here?

  Dingus Billy Magee : The wall, Hoke. This thing has stood the test of time, for years and years.

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Thank you, Dingus. That's very kind.

• China Poppy : Miss Belle say Sheriff come see her.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : I can't. Not right now.

  China Poppy : Miss Belle say, you no come - she kick you in honorable ass.

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : I'm gonna kill you dead, Dingus!

  Dingus Billy Magee : Every time I take my pants off, you come at me with a gun.

• Dingus Billy Magee : As long as we're partners, what do you say we ransack this place? I hear there's a lot of money 'round here.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Huh-uh. Half of Belle's money is gonna be mine when I marry her.

  Dingus Billy Magee : Well, let's rob the other half.

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : I got plans for that Dingus.

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : You ought to fix that skunk *real* good. If there was only some way to keep him busy all night long.

  Anna Hot Water : Two Moons keep him plenty damn busy.

• Prudence Frost : My, it certainly is warm in here, isn't it?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Shall I open a window?

  Prudence Frost : Ah, no. Why, no, that's all right. I'll just, um, open a few of these little buttons here on this high collar of mine. Oh, well, there, now. That's better, isn't it?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : It sure looks better, Miss Prudence.

  Prudence Frost : Well, thank you and please don't call me Miss Prudence. Just, Prudence. Ah, Prude - for short, as they say, but not for long!

• Dingus Billy Magee : Where the hell's my million dollars that you stole from my chest?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : I stole? You stole!

  Dingus Billy Magee : Would I be here if I stole?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Would I?

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : If I get my hands on that bastard Ming, I'm gonna knock him on his Chinese ass!

• Dingus Billy Magee : What the hell is going on out there?

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : You and me is shootin' it out.

  Dingus Billy Magee : Is that a fact?

• Prudence Frost : Sheriff Birdsill, if you don't make an honest woman of me, tonight, I'll kill myself - with a gun - right at Belle's place so that everybody will know that it was you that wronged me.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : I got things to do outside, Miss Prudence.

  Prudence Frost : Call me Prude.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Like Hell!

• Prudence Frost : This ch-ch-chill is just, is just seizin' hold of me so fast I just think I'm gonna di-di-di die.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Is there anything that'll help?

  Prudence Frost : Body heat.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : How's that?

  Prudence Frost : Well, like the time my little sister fell through the ice and there just wasn't any way to stop the shiverin' until we hu-hu-huddled our bodies together under a blanket. Oh, Sheriff Birdsill, oh, if you would be so kind.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Oh, I consider that an honor. My pleasure ma'am.

  Prudence Frost : Oh. Ah-ah-ah-ahhh. Oh...

• Prudence Frost : Ohhhh, I do feel fiiiine, now. In fact, I feel well enough to get married.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Married?

  Prudence Frost : Uh-huh. Just as soon as we find the preacher.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : It was you that got the chill!

  Prudence Frost : Well, it was *you* that warmed it.

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Who's that one in the derby?

  Dingus Billy Magee : That's John Wesley Hardin.

  Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : Well, who's the one with the long black hair and the purty bosoms standin' behind him?

• Herkimer 'Hoke' Birdsill : You're rotten, Dingus.