M*A*S*H (1970)

Tom Skerritt: Duke Forrest

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Quotes 

• Duke Forrest : [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs]  Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?

• Trapper John : Well, what's the matter with her today?

  Hawkeye Pierce : I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.

  Trapper John : It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.

  Hawkeye Pierce : She can't even get out of the door, look.

  [Hawkeye sits down with Frank] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...

  Frank Burns : Mind your own business.

  Hawkeye Pierce : No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?

  Duke Forrest : What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?

  Trapper John : Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.

  Duke Forrest : Ohhhh, is that a fact?

  Hawkeye Pierce : Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?

  Frank Burns : Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?

  [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

  Duke Forrest : What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

  Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

  Trapper John : Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

• Duke Forrest : Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.

• Duke Forrest : What color was her hair?

  Trapper John : Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.

  Duke Forrest : Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.

  Hawkeye Pierce : I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.

  Trapper John : Hear, hear.

  Duke Forrest : Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.

  Hawkeye Pierce : How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.

  Duke Forrest : I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?

  Hawkeye Pierce : You have yourself a bet, sir.

  [to Trapper] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : You're my witness.

  Trapper John : I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?

  Duke Forrest : We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.

• Colonel Blake : You men just passing through?

  Duke Forrest : I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.

  [Refferring to Lt. Dish] 

  Colonel Blake : Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.

  Duke Forrest : Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...

  Hawkeye Pierce : Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

  [whistles] 

  Colonel Blake : Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.

  Colonel Blake : Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?

  Duke Forrest : Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...

  Colonel Blake : Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.

• Hawkeye Pierce : [Hawkeye and Duke barge in]  Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.

  [to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : Pretty girl, ain't she?

  Duke Forrest : Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.

  Colonel Blake : Uh, what is it, men?

  Hawkeye Pierce : That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.

  Colonel Blake : YOUR tent?

  Duke Forrest : Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.

  Colonel Blake : I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.

  Duke Forrest : Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.

  Colonel Blake : Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...

  Colonel Blake : Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Henry, there is just one more thing...

  Colonel Blake : I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!

  Hawkeye Pierce : A chest cutter.

  Colonel Blake : Nope.

  [sighs] 

  Colonel Blake : I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.

• [Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?

  Trapper John : A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.

  Hawkeye Pierce : [to Ho-Jon]  Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.

  [to Trapper] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.

  [sips from his glass] 

  Trapper John : Don't you guys use olives?

  Duke Forrest : Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?

  Hawkeye Pierce : We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.

  Trapper John : Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.

  [reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded] 

  Trapper John : You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.

  [he drops the olive into the glass on the last word] 

• Trapper John : [In O.R]  Dish, let me have a long needle holder.

  Duke Forrest : [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty]  Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!

  Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy : Sorry, I'm coming.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Hi, Dago.

  Duke Forrest : I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?

• Duke Forrest : [In O.R]  I can't stop that bleeding down there.

  [to Dish] 

  Duke Forrest : Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.

  Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider : Captain Pierce, did you call me?

  Hawkeye Pierce : No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.

  Duke Forrest : I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Nurse, you got a clamp?

  Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider : Yes.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Scratch my nose. A little harder.

• Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy : [the camp is listening to Frank Burns and Hot Lips fooling around over the radio]  Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.

  Duke Forrest : Who?

  Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy : The Battling Bickersons. I love them.

  [Duke gives him a bewildered look] 

• Colonel Blake : I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action.

  Duke Forrest : What're you gonna do, Henry?

  Colonel Blake : Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's.

  Duke Forrest : That's damn good thinking.

  Colonel Blake : Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week. If I promote Trapper to chief surgeon after what our new head nurse saw, she'll be screaming from Washington to Seoul.

  [beat] 

  Colonel Blake : Isn't there any coffee in this place?

• Duke Forrest : What's this here?

  Frank Burns : This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.

  Duke Forrest : Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.

  [Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine] 

  Duke Forrest : I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.

  Ho-Jon : May I leave now, Major?

  Frank Burns : Sure, Ho-Jon.

• Frank Burns : What's that?

  Duke Forrest : That's a martin-eye, Frank.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?

  Frank Burns : I don't drink.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

  Duke Forrest : I think we've been had, Hawkeye.

  Hawkeye Pierce : I think you're right, babe.

  Frank Burns : I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.

  Duke Forrest : Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?

  Hawkeye Pierce : [Frank begins praying]  You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?

  Duke Forrest : No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

• Hawkeye Pierce : Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

  Duke Forrest : How long does this go on, Frank?

  Frank Burns : It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.

• Colonel Blake : [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves]  Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?

  Capt. Murrhardt : No, sir, first time I ever seen them.

  Capt. Bandini : Maybe those are the replacements.

  Colonel Blake : Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.

  Capt. Bandini : I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.

  Colonel Blake : They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.

  [Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish] 

  Duke Forrest : [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends]  I think I'm in love. Uh,

  [raises voice] 

  Duke Forrest : Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.

  Colonel Blake : Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

  Capt. Murrhardt : Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.

• Duke Forrest : [Hawkeye stands beside a Jeep. Duke assumes he is the driver]  Uh, 4077 M*A*S*H?

  Hawkeye Pierce : This is the Jeep, yeah.

  Duke Forrest : [Sets in his bag then gets in]  'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

• Duke Forrest : [holds up a piece of toast dripping creamed chipped beef]  You forgot your shingle, doctor.

• Trapper John : But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.

  Duke Forrest : Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...

  Trapper John : Oh... who is...

  Duke Forrest : Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?

  Hawkeye Pierce : Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.

  Trapper John : He's a good ball player?

  Duke Forrest : Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.

• Spearchucker : I want to make sure the oozing is checked before I close up.

  Duke Forrest : Damn perfectionist.

• Hawkeye Pierce : Duke?

  Duke Forrest : [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker]  Uh... what is it?

  Hawkeye Pierce : Henry's got our orders. We can go home.

  Duke Forrest : Right now?

  Spearchucker : Anytime! Whenever we want.

  Spearchucker : [to Duke]  You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?

• Hawkeye Pierce : Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?

  Duke Forrest : I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me.