The Twelve Chairs (1970)
Frank Langella: Ostap Bender
Photos
Quotes
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Ostap Bender : [after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!
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[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]
Young Woman : Do you love me?
Ostap Bender : Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.
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Ostap Bender : Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?
Tikon : Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.
Ostap Bender : Ah, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?
Tikon : One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!
Ostap Bender : Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".
Tikon : That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.
Ostap Bender : Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.
Tikon : I like that: two Russians, one ruble!
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Where are you going?
Ostap Bender : Ah, the eternal question: "Quo Vadis"? Well, if you must know, I am vadissing off to gossip with the secret police.
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[last lines]
Ostap Bender : Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.
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Ostap Bender : Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I can't!
Ostap Bender : I'm going.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!
Ostap Bender : Why?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Lets talk.
Ostap Bender : About what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Things...
Ostap Bender : What things?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I don't know, situations...
Ostap Bender : I am going...
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!
Ostap Bender : Why?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Lets talk.
Ostap Bender : About what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : It.
Ostap Bender : What's 'it'?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You know...
Ostap Bender : I know what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : What we're talking about.
Ostap Bender : We're talking about nothing, I'm going.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You mustn't.
Ostap Bender : I must.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why?
Ostap Bender : The reward!
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : What reward?
Ostap Bender : For turning you in.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!
Ostap Bender : Why?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [desperate] We'll talk.
Ostap Bender : [shouting] About what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [shouting also] About the diamonds! The diamonds! The diamonds...
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Ostap Bender : Now, Sevitsky, please don't disapoint me, because if you do I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck. A threat to the wise, hm?
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Ostap Bender : Now listen, old man. Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford at this time in our lives. We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true. It's sink or swim. I choose swim. Now, to beg or not to beg, that is the question. I will give you five... to decide yes or no. On the count of five it is farewell. One...
Father Fyodor : Yes... yes, yes, yes...
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Father Fyodor : [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.
[Ostap stares at him]
Father Fyodor : His first-born. He was like a father to me.
Ostap Bender : So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.
Father Fyodor : Yes, I am.
Ostap Bender : [quickly] How old are you?
Father Fyodor : 46... 44.
Ostap Bender : Which is it?
Father Fyodor : 42... 42.
Ostap Bender : According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.
[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?
Ostap Bender : In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
[They wait]
Father Fyodor : Oh Lord, you're so strict!
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Ostap Bender : Tell me... eh, what goes on in this great house?
Tikon : Mostly dying.
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Ostap Bender : [lifting up his eye-patch to watch a pretty and well-stacked girl walk by] Now *there's* a healthy girl!
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Ostap Bender : [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaninov has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!
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Ostap Bender : [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?
Father Fyodor : Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.