Columbo (TV Series)

Murder by the Book (1971)

Jack Cassidy: Ken Franklin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lieutenant Columbo : Suddenly I thought of something. How clever that first murder was. The phone gimmick, working late in the office - brilliant.

  Ken Franklin : Are you awarding gold medals today?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Yes. For the first one. Not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

• [last lines] 

  Ken Franklin : You wanna know the irony of all this? That is my idea, the only really good one I ever had. I must have told it to Jim over five years ago. Hm. Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?

• Lieutenant Columbo : Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.

  Ken Franklin : Naw!

  Lieutenant Columbo : Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

• [first lines] 

  [Jim works in his office] 

  Jim Ferris : [knock on the door]  Who is it?

  [another knock on the door] 

  Jim Ferris : [He opens the door - Ken is aiming a gun at his face. Jim laughs] 

  Ken Franklin : Oh, you're not intimidated.

  Jim Ferris : Oh, come on, Ken. You're forgetting that I'm one-half of the world's greatest mystery-writing team? You, ah, don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger, and there are no bullets in the cylinder.

  Ken Franklin : [smiling]  You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.

• Ken Franklin : And now, sir... I'm gonna kidnap you.

• Jim Ferris : Do you ever get the feeling of deja vu?

  Ken Franklin : What?

  Jim Ferris : Like you've done something before, but you know you haven't?

  Ken Franklin : Why? What do you mean?

  Jim Ferris : I'm getting it right now. It's strange. You know, I've never been here before.

  Ken Franklin : Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?

• Ken Franklin : You're not intimidated?

  Jim Ferris : Come on, Ken. Are you forgetting that... I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team. You don't have gloves on. Your finger's not on the trigger and there are no bullets in the cylinder.

• Ken Franklin : Bottoms up, Jim.

  Jim Ferris : In the middle of the morning?

  Ken Franklin : Oh, come on, relax. It's Saturday. In the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.

• Ken Franklin : I give you... our divorce.

  Jim Ferris : Well... it's not really a divorce.

  Ken Franklin : Oh, sure it is. Come on, let's be honest. I mean, it... it's no alimony but it's a termination. Oh yes, and our dear little children. All fifteen of them. Fifty million copies.

• Ken Franklin : After all, friendship is more important than partnership, right?

• Lilly La Sanka : My planets must be in the right house.

  Ken Franklin : Not only that, but they're working overtime. I have a surprise for you.

• Ken Franklin : The man is too square for words.

• Jim Ferris : Yeah... I just hate lying to her.

  Ken Franklin : You're not lying to her. You're saving her a little anguish.

• Ken Franklin : Has Jim been found yet? Has he been found yet?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?

  Ken Franklin : Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego. You must know the story is on every news station.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Oh, right, yeah, gee. I shoulda thought of that.

• Ken Franklin : See if Mrs. Melville were on this case, she would be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Is that the lady in the books?

  Ken Franklin : That's right. You see she would have figured it out that this is not just someone missing. This is a professional killing.

• Ken Franklin : How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that.

• Lieutenant Columbo : A professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?

  Ken Franklin : Who knows? But remember one thing without a corpus delicti you can't prove a murder was committed in the first place.

  Lieutenant Columbo : But why would a professional killer care? I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came.

  Ken Franklin : Lieutenant, I can't answer all of your questions.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Gee, that's funny.

  Ken Franklin : What?

  Lieutenant Columbo : This thing is folded lengthwise. Like someone was carrying it in their pocket.

  Ken Franklin : So?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Well, if he typed that on that typewriter, and I'll run a check on that, why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?

  Ken Franklin : I'm beginning to like you.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Why is that?

  Ken Franklin : Because you're finally beginning to think like Mrs. Melville. Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper, and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know.

• Lieutenant Columbo : This a copy?

  Ken Franklin : Hardly. It's an original.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff in the museums.

• Lieutenant Columbo : You know, there's one thing about writers I don't understand. Maybe you can help me clear it up. If a fella's partner dies, does he own the other fella's half of the books? Half of the, uh.

  Ken Franklin : The Royalties?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Yeah.

  Ken Franklin : No. They go into the deceased's estate.

  Ken Franklin : That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it? Unless you insured each other?

  Ken Franklin : Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?

• Ken Franklin : I must say I don't envy you.

  Lieutenant Columbo : I don't envy myself.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Isn't it funny how people are different? Now me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters.

  Ken Franklin : But I just did it to distract myself. I mean, you gotta remember one thing, that's a great shock.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

• Lieutenant Columbo : I'm making a pest of myself.

  Ken Franklin : No .

  Lieutenant Columbo : Yes, yes, I am. I know it's because I keep asking these questions. But I'll tell you. I can't help myself. It's a habit.

• Ken Franklin : Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them. You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants. Even the cop on the beat, don't you?

• Ken Franklin : All right, now what are you doing here?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Waiting for you. I happened to be in the neighborhood and...

  Ken Franklin : You're always in the neighborhood.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Actually, there is one thing. Not that it makes that much difference.

  Ken Franklin : What is it?

  Lieutenant Columbo : When Mrs. Ferris called you and told you her husband got shot, you jumped in a car and drove right back to L. A. , is that right?

  Ken Franklin : That's right.

  Lieutenant Columbo : You know, me, I woulda taken a plane. I mean, it's a big airport and they run every half hour. It would have been a lot faster.

  Ken Franklin : Well, I, that's true. But in a situation like that, who thinks clearly? And look at it this way. You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport. How much time do you really save?

• Ken Franklin : Look at 'em! Vultures! Lieutenant, do you mind if I go inside? I can't stand to watch 'em ... gape!

• Ken Franklin : Here's to prosperity.

  Lilly La Sanka : [they clink glasses]  And romance.

  Ken Franklin : [they clink glasses again]  The daily double.