- Lady Claire Gurney: How do you know you're God?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Simple. When I pray to Him, I find I am talking to myself.
- Dr. Herder: He can't forget being rejected by his mother and father at the age of 11. They sent him away, alone, into a primitive community of licensed bullies and pederasts.
- Sir Charles: You mean he went to public school.
- Dr. Herder: Exactly.
- Sir Charles: Are you sure you can handle the situation? Marrying a man who thinks he is god?
- Grace: Happens all the time.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [Awakening in the morning on the giant cross where he sleeps at night] My heart rises with the sun. I'm purged of doubts and negative innuendos. Today I want to bless everything. Bless the crawfish with it's scuttling walk. Bless the trout, pilchard and periwinkle. Bless Ted Smoothey of 22 East Hackney Road. Bless the mealy redpole, the black-gloved wallaby and W.C. Fields, who is dead but lives on. Bless the snotty-nosed giraffe. Bless the buffalo. Bless the Society of Women Engineers. Bless the pygmy hippy. Bless the mighty cockroach.
- [shouts]
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Bless me. Today is my wedding day!
- [He leaps off the cross]
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: For what I am about to receive, may I make myself truly thankful.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Behaviour which would be considered insanity in a tradesman is looked upon as mild eccentricity in a lord.
- Sir Charles: We're just talking about you and the subject of marriage. We think you should take a wife.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Who from?
- Dr. Herder: His lordship is a paranoid schizophrenic.
- Sir Charles: Paranoid schizophrenic? But he's a Gurney!
- Dr. Herder: Then he's a paranoid schizophrenic Gurney who believes he's God.
- Sir Charles: But we've always been Church of England!
- Sir Charles: Come, doctor, you said he needed a harsh dose of reality. Well, you can't get a harder dose of the stuff than marriage.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Join me for a constitutional before lunch, Mr. Tucker.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [to others]
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Enjoy yourselves while I'm gone. Relax. Have sex.
- Lady Claire Gurney: [shocked] My... GOD!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [peeping in as if he had been called back] Yes?
- Sir Charles: What about Jack?
- Dr. Herder: Remember he's suffering from delusions of grandeur. In reality he's an earl, an English aristocrat, a member of the ruling class. Naturally, he's come to believe there's only one person grander than that: the Lord God Almighty Himself.
- Sir Charles: Are you English?
- Dr. Herder: No.
- Sir Charles: [slowly] Ah.
- Mrs. Piggot-Jones: [screams as she sees Jack's giant cross] Oh! What is it?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: A watusi walking stick! Big people, the watusi!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Surely you pray for love and understanding?
- Lady Claire Gurney: Every night...
- Lady Claire Gurney: [glancing pointedly at her husband] ... without success.
- Sir Charles: [exasperated, after meeting Jack] Oh, my God!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [ducking back into the room after hearing Charles] Yes?
- Lady Claire Gurney: How dare you bring that woman here!
- Sir Charles: You should be very grateful to Miss Shelley.
- Lady Claire Gurney: Grace Shelley is your mistress.
- Sir Charles: Miss Shelley is just a hard working girl.
- Lady Claire Gurney: On her back!
- Lady Claire Gurney: How did it happen? How did you come to be in this state?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Like every prophet I saw visions, I heard voices, I ran. The voices of Saint Frances, Socrates, General Gordon, and Timothy Leary, they all told me I was God. It was Sunday, August the 5th, at 3:32.
- Sir Charles: There are certain matters to do with the estate that need clearing up. Nothing important. Just need your signature. Gives me power to handle odd things.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Of course, Uncle.
- Sir Charles: There's no need to read it. Just take my word.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I take your word. I put on my glasses because I feel cold. Where do I sign?
- Sir Charles: Just there. Excellent, excellent. Easily done, eh?
- [reading the signature]
- Sir Charles: "I, the undersigned, Mycroft Holmes?" Who's Mycroft Holmes?
- Tucker: Brother of Sherlock Holmes, you illiterate oaf.
- Tucker: Yes, he's a nutcase. Most of these titled fleabags are. Rich nobs and priveleged arseholes can afford to be bonkers. They're living in a dreamworld, aren't they, sir? Life's made too easy for 'em. They don't have to earn a livin', so they do just what they want to.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I stand outside myself, watching myself watching myself. I smile, I smile, I smile.
- McKyle: [to Jack] I didn't travel twenty million miles through galactic space to bandy words with a poxy moon-looney who thinks he's me! Away, or you'll be dropped!
- Lady Claire Gurney: That's very clever, but ah is it true?
- Dr. Herder: Don't come to me for the truth only explanation.
- [first lines]
- Toastmaster: My Lords. Gentlemen. Pray silence for Ralph Douglas Christopher Alexander Gurney, the thirteenth Earl of Gurney.
- 13th Earl of Gurney: The aim of the Society of Saint George is to keep Gurney a memory of England. We were once the rulers of the greatest empire the world has ever known. Ruled not by superior force or skill, but by sheer presence.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Anything you care for? The Grand Canyon? A disused banana factory? Absolution?
- Grace: A white wedding.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Will Tuesday suit you?
- Grace: You deserve a big kiss.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Not here in the garden. Last time I was kissed in a garden, it turned out rather awkward.
- Grace: Oh, but Judas was a man.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Yes. Strange business.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Anything you care for? The Grand Canyon? A disused banana factory? Absolution?
- Grace: A white wedding.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Would next Tuesday suit you?
- 13th Earl of Gurney: I give you: England. This teeming womb of privilege. This feudal state, who's shores beat back the turbulent sea of foreign anarchy. This ancient fortress, still commanded by the noblest of our royal blood. This ancient land of ritual. This precious stone set in the silver sea.
- Toastmaster: The toast is: England, this precious stone set in the silver sea.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Britain - a fly-blown speck in the North Sea. You can't kick the natives in the back streets of Calcutta anymore.
- Lady Claire Gurney: Why does he keep on about love?
- Dr. Herder: Because he wants us all to love goodness. To love goodness is to love God. To love God is to love the 14th Earl of Gurney.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Don't forget. Apart from being God, Christ and the Holy Ghost, I'm also an L.O.B., D.F.C. And A.D.C. You're dealing with the big one!
- Sir Charles: Where'd they go?
- Lady Claire Gurney: To bed, of course.
- Dinsdale Gurney: I must say, I wouldn't like to be in her shoes tonight.
- Tucker: It's not her shoes he'll be in, Master Dinsdale.
- Sir Charles: So, he just rode about all night then?
- Grace: First the bike, then me.
- Sir Charles: Hmm.
- Grace: His mind may be wonky, but there's certainly nothing wrong with the rest of his anatomy.
- Tucker: Upper-class excrement! You wanna do me dirt, just because I know too much. I know that one percent of the population owns half the property in this country. And that vomiting one percent wants kosher killing, hung up so the blue blood drains out slow and easy. So, comrades, come rally and the last fight let us face. The international army unites the human race.
- [singing]
- Tucker: I'm only a strolling vagabond So good night, pretty maiden, good night.
- Grace: Are you ready for them?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Are they ready for me, Madam?
- Grace: You're more than just cured, Jack. You've got that something extra - what we call star quality.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: It will be a triumphant climax.
- Grace: Talking of climaxes, you were a lot more loving when you were potty.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: My noble lords, the strong must manipulate the weak! That's the first law of the universe. The hard survive, the soft quickly turn to corruption. This is a call to greatness! Approach this day out to battle against your enemies. Let not your hearts faint, fear not and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them. For the Lord your God is He that goeth with you - to fight for you against your enemies to save you. And mine eyes shall not spare, neither will I have pity. I will recompense them according to their ways and their abominations that are in the midst of them. And they shall know that I am the lord that smiteth!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I take your word for it; I put on my glasses because I feel cold.
- Sir Charles: It's out of the question!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Who asked you a question? Did you ask him a question? Nobody asked a question, so I'll ask a question: Who's the head of the Gurney household?
- Sir Charles: You are, Jack.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Then don't let me hear you answering unasked questions again!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I was only trying to do what's expected me. I recall as a sign of normalcy in our circle to slaughter anything that moves.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I can't marry a second time.
- Lady Claire Gurney: You're already married?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: August 28, in the year of me, 1964.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Your job's done, Herr Doctor. I'm adjusted. I brush my teeth twice daily and smile.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [to Grace] I take thee, Marguerite, called Grace Shelley because she doesn't speak French, to be my wedded wife.