- J. Jonah Jameson: [watching a special news alert on TV] This is a newspaper story, what are they doing with it?
- J. Jonah Jameson: [about Spider-Man] What'd he look like?
- Peter Parker: Oh, eh, like... like a spider.
- J. Jonah Jameson: How many legs did he have?
- Peter Parker: Well, two of course, he's a man.
- J. Jonah Jameson: You just said he was a spider. Spider's have got lots of legs.
- J. Jonah Jameson: Congratulations, Captain. Those men whould have flown away if you hadn't called their bluf.
- Captain Barbera: Well, to tell you the truth, eh, I had a little help. That character in the clown suit, eh, he worked out pretty good.
- J. Jonah Jameson: That freak! He ought to be locked up. Running around like a one-man army. I don't know where he came from, but I sure hope he goes back there.
- Captain Barbera: Maybe you're right. People shouldn't interfere with the law. Let the police do that.
- J. Jonah Jameson: Exactly. You men deserve all the credit for this job.
- Captain Barbera: Well, if that's the way you're gonna put it in your paper, how can I stop ya?
- [they laugh and pat each other on the back]
- Peter Parker: [referring to the mayor] Sir, would you like me to go and take a picture of him?
- J. Jonah Jameson: Never mind, never mind! We've got enough pictures of the mayor to wallpaper the building!
- Captain Barbera: Where's the money, Monahan? Where's the 5,000 big ones?
- Monahan: There must have been somebody else in the car.
- Captain Barbera: Wrong, Monahan. Wrong. He was a lone wolf. But a crazy lone wolf. Look at him. Driving right into a brick wall. Can you explain all this to me, please?
- Captain Barbera: Where's the money?
- Professor Noah Tyler: [in hospital bed] What money?
- Captain Barbera: Who told you to rob that payroll?
- Professor Noah Tyler: I don't know.
- Captain Barbera: Well, professor, you don't have very many answers.
- Professor Noah Tyler: I'm afraid you know more about this than I do.
- Captain Barbera: Then we're both in trouble. Who's the big mastermind? Who's the screwball that put this idea in your head?
- Professor Noah Tyler: I... I don't know.
- Captain Barbera: We're back to square one.
- Professor Noah Tyler: I don't even know when it was done.
- Captain Barbera: And I was saving the easiest question till last...
- Peter Parker: Do you mean, the person you'd like to question is Spider-Man?
- Captain Barbera: I do.
- Peter Parker: What do you want to talk to him about?
- Captain Barbera: Maybe I wanna ask him where he buys his webs.
- Robbie Robertson: What does he wear?
- Peter Parker: What do you mean what does he wear?
- Robbie Robertson: Well you said he climbs up the sides of walls, right? Well then my guess he's wearing sneakers.
- Monahan: Oh, uh, what do you want me to do about this Spider-Man?
- Captain Barbera: Oh, I'm getting reinforcements for him. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. If we're lucky, maybe Rumpelstiltskin will lend us a hand. What am I gonna do about Spider-Man? How do I know? I'm a cop, not an exterminator!
- Cab Driver: Hey man, I don't want to mess with you.
- Spider-Man: Open the door, would you please? I'm not feeling well.
- Cab Driver: I'm not feeling so well myself. Excuse me, I'm in a hurry.
- Spider-Man: Look, I'm coming home a masquerade party. Now don't get scared.
- Cab Driver: You don't even have pockets in that suit.
- Spider-Man: Well I'll pay you at my house.
- Cab Driver: Yeah? Well I'm not taking no Spider-Man to that part of town.
- J. Jonah Jameson: It's incredible. How come you're the only one who's able to get pictures of him?
- Peter Parker: Simple. I believe.