Magnum, P.I. (TV Series)

Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii (1980)

Fritz Weaver: Captain J. Cooly, USN

Quotes 

• Captain J. Cooly, USN : He wasn't in Tokyo on an NIA investigation because I didn't assign him anything that would take him beyond the main gate. It's right in the report there.

  Magnum : [throwing it down]  I don't give a damn what's in the report! Dan Cook was in Tokyo on a Navy investigation, not to smuggle!

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : How do you know that?

  Magnum : Because he wired me in Tokyo to pick him up at the airport. He said he was on an important case. He wanted my help.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : What case?

  Magnum : I don't know. He never met me.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : You don't know? You barge into this office, you threaten me, you accuse me of not doing my duty, and all you can say is you don't know?

• Ensign Healy : Does the admiral have to be informed of all the details, sir?

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : What do you suggest, Ensign? We tell him his son swallowed a dozen cocaine packets by mistake?

  Ensign Healy : No, sir. I mean, the lieutenant's dead. I just thought if we could get around some of the details...

  Naval Medical Examiner : It could be done, Captain, unless Admiral Cook pressed for more information. We could release it as an accidental overdose, which, of course, it was. I don't think he planned on the packets bursting.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Ensign Healy, first thing in the morning, I want to draw up a letter of recommendation.

  Ensign Healy : Sir?

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : I'm going to recommend Lieutenant Cook's military rights and benefits be revoked. This officer died in the commission of a felony. He disgraced his uniform. If he were alive, I'd court-martial him and I'd deep-six him. His being dead doesn't change that, no matter whose son he is!

• Captain J. Cooly, USN : You know, Magnum, one of my fondest memories will always be the day you resigned your commission. Watching the Shore Patrol toss your butt off this station is gonna be another.

  Magnum : You wanna tell me why you're writing Dan off, or do you want the Shore Patrol to charge me with assault?

  [Cooly gives him a manila envelope] 

  Magnum : [looking at the contents]  Oh, for God's sake, you don't... actually believe that Dan Cook swallowed a dozen packets of coke to smuggle it into the islands, do you?

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : It's rather disgusting when you think about it, but, yes.

  Magnum : Yeah, and it's rather stupid, considering his NIA clearance coulda got him past any customs check in the free world.

• Magnum : Captain Cooly, look... I realize that you never liked Dan or me, but you can't let a petty jealousy interfere with...

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Petty jealousy? Petty?

  [showing Magnum his cover] 

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : You see this? It took me three wars and 30 years to earn this. That's thirty years of sweating, of bleeding, laughing at stupid admirals' jokes, volunteering to serve on the rust buckets of this Navy. I figured it would take the two of you half that to make Captain. What are you, hmm? Are you smarter than me? Were better sailors? More dedicated officers? No! I'll tell you what you were, mister. You were connected!

  Magnum : Captain Cooly...

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Who got the two of you appointed to Annapolis? Who got your Navy Crosses approved? Who was gonna get you your scrambled eggs in half the time it takes to earn them? I'll tell you who: Admiral Raleigh Cook, that's who! Now, not covering up for his son may seem like petty jealousy to you, mister, but to me, it's poetic justice.

  [opening the door as a nonverbal request to leave] 

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Now, since you are no longer part of this man's Navy, get your butt off this station. If you ever show it here again, I'm gonna charge you with everything from espionage to indecent exposure! You hear me, mister?

  Magnum : Loud and clear. Dan Cook was murdered. And I'm gonna prove it. And when I do, you can kiss those gold stripes you spent 30 years egg-suckin' for goodbye.

• Naval Medical Examiner : There's evidence of a small abdominal wall hematoma, suggesting blunt-force trauma. He may have been punched in the stomach. Almost done, Captain.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Found a cause of death yet?

  Naval Medical Examiner : Uh, massive pulmonary edema and cyanosis, probably induced by cocaine.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : What?

  Naval Medical Examiner : We found a dozen plastic packets in his stomach. Some of them burst. I'm having them analyzed now, but odds are they contained cocaine.

  Ensign Healy : [trying not to hurl]  How did packets of cocaine get into Lieutenant Cook's stomach?

  Naval Medical Examiner : It happens all the time, I'm afraid. You swallow the packets before boarding a plane, then retrieve the packets from the digestive system. Uh... it's a foolproof way of smuggling everything from dope to diamonds.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Are you sure it's cocaine?

  Naval Medical Examiner : I'm waiting for the tox screen and the residue analysis to confirm it.

  Ensign Healy : This is going to be very hard on Admiral Cook.

  Naval Medical Examiner : His father is Admiral Raleigh Cook?