The Last Unicorn (1982)

Alan Arkin: Schmendrick

Photos 

Quotes 

• Schmendrick the Magician : She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits. Of all unicorns, she is the only one who knows what regret is - and love.

• Molly : No, it can't be. Can it be? Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you! Where have you been?

  Schmendrick : Don't you talk to her that way!

  Unicorn : I'm here now.

  Molly : And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!

  [Weeps] 

  Schmendrick : Can you really see her? Do you know what she is?

  Molly : If you had been waiting to see a unicorn, as long as I have...

  Schmendrick : She's the last unicorn in the world.

  Molly : It would be the last unicorn that came to Molly Grue. It's all right, I forgive you.

• Unicorn : You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?

  Schmendrick : Well, men don't always know when they're happy. But I-I think so. And you?

  Unicorn : I am a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but I now I do. I regret.

  Schmendrick : I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.

  Unicorn : No. Unicorns are in the world again. No sorrow will live in me with that joy-save one. And I thank you for that part, too. Farewell good magician. I will try to go home.

• Schmendrick : It's a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.

• Schmendrick : There are no happy endings because nothing ends.

• Schmendrick : I know you. If I were blind I'd know what you are.

• [the unicorn has just looked at all the "horrors" in the other cages at the carnival and discovered that they are not real; they are only illusions] 

  Unicorn : That one is real. That is the harpy, Celaeno.

  Schmendrick : Yes, the old woman caught her by chance, the same way she took you. Oh, she should never have meddled with a real harpy! Or a real unicorn for that matter. Because the truth melts her magic, always.

• Unicorn : You may come with me if you like, though I wish you'd asked for some other reward for having freed me.

  Schmendrick the Magician : Well, I thought about it, but you could never have granted my true wish.

  Unicorn : No. I cannot turn you into something you are not. I cannot turn you into a true magician.

  Schmendrick the Magician : That's all right, don't worry about it.

  Unicorn : I'm not.

• Schmendrick : The magic chose the shape, not I. I am a bearer, I am a dwelling, I am a messenger...

  Molly : You are an idiot! Do you hear me? You LOST her! You trapped her in a human body! She'll go MAD!

• Schmendrick : Tell me what you see. Don't be afraid. Look at your fellow legends and tell me what you see.

  Unicorn : What he calls a Manticore looks to be no more than a shabby, toothless lion. And he has that whole crowd believing that poor old ape with the twisted foot is a Satyr! Illusions, deceptions, mirages! Your Mommy Fortuna cannot truly change things!

  Schmendrick : That is true. She can only disguise, and only for those eager to believe whatever comes easiest. She cannot turn cream into butter, but she can make a lion look like a manticore to eyes that want to see a manticore. Just like she put a false horn on a real unicorn so they can see the unicorn. I know you. If I were blind, I would know what you are.

  Unicorn : Who are you?

  Schmendrick : I am called Schmendrick, the Magician. Uh... you won't have heard of me.

• Schmendrick : Don't cry. If you have become human enough to cry, then all the magic in the world cannot change you back.

• Schmendrick : If we run away then all the unicorns of the world will remain prisoners forever except one. And she will grow old and die.

  Amalthea : Everything dies! I want to die when you die.

  [looks at Lir] 

  Amalthea : I'm no unicorn, no magical creature. I'm a woman, and I love you, Lir. Don't let him change me! Lir, I will not love you when I'm a unicorn.

  Prince Lir : Amalthea, don't...

  Schmendrick : Then let the quest end here! I don't think I could change you back, even if you wished it. Marry the prince, and live happily ever after.

  Amalthea : Yes, that is my wish.

  Prince Lir : No. My lady, I am a hero. Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever. A happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.

  Molly Grue : But what if there isn't a happy ending?

  Schmendrick : There are no happy endings, because nothing ends.

  Molly Grue : Schmendrick, let her stay the way she is. Let her be...

  Schmendrick : That's not in the story. Lir know that, and so does she.

  Molly Grue : You don't care! You don't care what happens to her or to the others, just so you're a real magician at last. You don't care-"

  Schmendrick : Well I wish I didn't care! I wish to God I didn't care about anything but my magic! But I do! I do.

• Molly Grue : Please! Please do something!

  Schmendrick the Magician : What can I do? Do you think the Red Bull likes card tricks? If I could, I would change her into some other creature, some beast too humble for the Bull to be concerned with. But that would take a real magician with real magic, and I can't pretend anymore...

  Molly Grue : But you do. You have magic. Maybe you can't find it, but it's there. You called Robin Hood, and there is no Robin Hood. You have all the power you need if you dared to look for it.

• The Tree : [Tree comes to life]  Oh. Oh. Oh I love you. I love you. Love love love love love.

  Schmendrick : Oh, what have I done?

  The Tree : Always. Always. Faithfulness beyond any man's deserving.

  [Schmendrick's nose gets caught in cleavage] 

  The Tree : I will keep the color in your eyes when no other in the world remembers your name. There is no immortality but a trees love.

  Schmendrick : Oh, God. I'm engaged to a Douglas Fir. Help, Unicorn! Where are you?

• Schmendrick : Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?

• Schmendrick : I can't do this very much longer. He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!

• Prince Lir : Unicorn, mermaid, sorceress... no name you could give her would surprise OR frighten me. I love whom I love.

  Schmendrick : Well, that's a very nice sentiment, but when I change her back into her true self...

  Prince Lir : I love whom I love.

• Schmendrick : Mommy Fortuna doesn't think so. She sees me as a clumsy fraud, a trickster. But I am Schmendrick the magician, last of the red hot swamis. And I, too, am real... like you. Like her.

  Schmendrick : [looks at her]  Yes, I will help you.

  Unicorn : Where's the other man?

  Schmendrick : Ruhk? Oh, don't worry about him. Oh, don't worry about him. I asked him a riddle, and it always takes that lout all night to solve riddles. And now...

  [he starts practicing] 

  Schmendrick : Shara sineverel morlin sudai! Suni numira eddi subai!

• The Skull : Ask me how to find the Red bull

  [chuckles] 

  The Skull : even Prince Lir doesn't know the secret way... but I dooo

  [chuckles] 

  Schmendrick : Oh you do eh? Answer the riddle then, tell us the way.

  The Skull : Say pleeeaaase.

  Schmendrick : [sighs]  Please.

  The Skull : [slight pause]  No!

• Schmendrick the Magician : Come with me.

  Molly Grue : I will.

• The Unicorn : I'm looking for others like me. Have you seen them, Magician?

  Schmendrick : No, I've never seen anyone like you. Not while I was awake, anyway.

• Schmendrick : Take me with you. For laughs, for luck, for the unknown. Take me with you.

• Schmendrick the Magician : Be rary of wousing a rizard's wrath - rousing a rizard's - Be wary of making a magician angry!

• Molly Grue : What is the use of wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?

  Schmendrick the Magician : That is what heroes are for.

• Unicorn : I'm a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but now I do. I regret.

  Schmendrick : I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.

  Unicorn : No. Unicorns are in the world again! No sorrow will live in me with that joy... save one - and I thank you for that part, too.

• Schmendrick : You pile of stones! I'll set all your toenails growing in, you mess with me!

• Schmendrick the Magician : Oh god, I'm engaged to a douglas fir!

• Schmendrick : Step down, lady, you are free!

• Schmendrick the Magician : [to Molly]  You can't come with us. We're on a quest!

• Unicorn : You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?

  Schmendrick : Well... men don't always know when they're happy. But I - I think so.

• Schmendrick : [the skull laughs obnoxiously]  Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?

  Molly Grue : Schmendrick! You made it laugh, anyway. Maybe that's all you need for the riddle.

  The Skull : [choking with laughter]  ... It isn't!