Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)

Eric Idle: Michelangelo, Brewer, First Bruce, First Judge, 'World Forum' Host, Arthur Nudge, Socrates, First Yorkshireman, Mr. Smoketoomuch, Husband, Lumberjack

Photos 

Quotes 

• First Bruce : We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.

• Michelangelo : Good evening, Your Holiness.

  The Pope : Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it.

  Michelangelo : Oh, dear. It took me hours.

  The Pope : Not happy at all.

  Michelangelo : Is it the jello you don't like?

  The Pope : No.

  Michelangelo : It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo.

  The Pope : What kangaroo?

  Michelangelo : No problem, I'll paint him out.

  The Pope : I never saw a kangaroo.

  Michelangelo : Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right?

  The Pope : That's the problem.

  Michelangelo : What is?

  The Pope : The disciples.

  Michelangelo : Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

  The Pope : No, it's just that there are 28 of them.

• First Bruce : They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.

• First Yorkshireman : Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves.

  Fourth Yorkshireman : But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

• Mr. Smoketoomuch : Good morning!

  Travel agency secretary : Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blowjob?

• Michelangelo : I'll tell you what you want! You want a bloody photographer! That's what *you* want!

  The Pope : [Gets off his throne and approaches Michelangelo]  I'll tell you what I want! I want a Last Supper with *one* Christ, *twelve* disciples, no kangaroos, no... trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!

  Michelangelo : Bloody fascist! Bloody C of E!

  The Pope : [Runs him off]  I am the bloody Pope, aren't I?

  [to the crowd] 

  The Pope : I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.

• Husband : It's the Bishop of Leicester.

  Wife : How do you know?

  Husband : Tattooed on the back of his neck. I think I'd better call the police.

  Wife : Shouldn't you call the church?

  Son : Call the Church Police.

  Husband : Good idea.

• Barrister 1 : I did my whole, "Serious offense" bit and then I waggled me wig!

  Husband : You did what?

  Barrister 1 : I waggled me wig!

• [the Philosophers' Drinking Song] 

  First Bruce : Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable / Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table / David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel / And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel / There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist / Socrates himself was permanently pissed / And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill / Plato, they say, could stick it away - half a pint of whiskey, every day / Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle / Hobbes was fond of his dram / And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am!" / Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed... / a lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.