The Golden Girls (1985–1992)

Betty White: Rose Nylund

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Quotes 

• Rose : I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.

  Dorothy : Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.

  Rose : Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.

  Dorothy : The final piece of the puzzle.

• Rose : My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."

• [after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket] 

  Dorothy : Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?

  Rose : No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

• Rose : I just had a thought...

  Sophia , Dorothy , Blanche : Congratulations.

• Rose : You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!

  Sophia : The old one isn't so crazy about you.

• Rose : Can I ask a dumb question?

  Dorothy : Better than anyone I know.

• Blanche : What was your first impression of me?

  Rose : I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

• Rose : Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.

  Dorothy : Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.

• Sophia : Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.

  Rose : Oh, Sophia.

  Sophia : Blanche, you're a slut.

  Blanche : Oh, Sophia.

• [Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom] 

  Rose : Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.

  Dorothy : Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.

• Blanche : You know what I hate doing most after a party?

  Rose : Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

• Rose : Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...

  Dorothy : That's always a safe bet, Rose.

  Rose : ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.

  Blanche : Well, what's wrong with that?

  Rose : Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

• [Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi] 

  Rose : You must be tired after your cab trip.

  Sophia : Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!

• Rose : You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.

• Blanche : Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.

  Rose : I don't want to lie.

  Blanche : When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.

  Rose : Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one.

• Rose : This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.

  Dorothy : Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"

  Rose : Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.

  Dorothy : Oh... that's okay.

  Rose : [pauses for a moment to rethink her approach]  Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...

  Dorothy : ROSE!

• [Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article] 

  Rose : Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?

  Dorothy : [Holding her head]  Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATEMALA.

• Rose : [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital]  Name?

  Sophia : Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

• Dorothy : What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?

  Rose : YES!

• Rose : Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.

• Blanche : Can you believe it? After four long years, my baby girl is finally coming to see me. I'm so happy, I could cry.

  Rose : But Blanche, you *are* crying!

  Dorothy : Admit it, Rose, you worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.

  Rose : Huh?

  Dorothy : Fine. Play it cagey.

• Blanche : The Great Herring War?

  Rose : Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.

  Dorothy : Oh, THAT Great Herring War.

• Rose : You know, I've been thinking...

  Blanche : Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.

• Rose : Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.

  Sophia : I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

• Sophia : Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.

  Dorothy : I'm so sorry. What happened?

  Sophia : [sarcastically]  She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

  [agitated] 

  Sophia : SHE WAS 88!

  Rose : Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

• Rose : Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?

  Sophia : Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.

• [Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them] 

  Rose : I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.

  Blanche : Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.

  Rose : OK. I will.

  Dorothy : Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?

  Rose : The time I was radioactive.

• Dorothy : Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?

  Rose : And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.

• Blanche : Girls have you ever heard of something called dirty dancing?

  Dorothy : Of course Blanche, they did it in that movie!

  Rose : What movie?

  Rose : Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

• Dorothy : Ohhh, do you know how many great, late night talks we've had at this kitchen table over cheesecake?

  Rose : No. How many?

  Dorothy : One hundred and forty-six, Rose!

• Rose : You... you... you rude person!

  Dorothy : Go easy on him, Rose.

• Blanche : Rose, I was about to tell a story.

  Rose : Well, I wanna tell mine.

  Blanche : Dorothy?

  Dorothy : Well, this is a no-win situation... but go ahead, Blanche.

  Rose : Fine, you may never get to hear MY story.

  Dorothy : Then I'm wrong, it isn't a no-win situation.

• Rose : Well, I'm off.

  Sophia : Totally.

• Rose : Everybody likes me.

  Sophia : I don't!

  Rose : Oh, you just say that Sophia.

  Sophia : REPEATEDLY!

• [trying to get animals to breed] 

  Dorothy : What they need is an aphrodisiac.

  Rose : An African what?

  Dorothy : An aphrodisiac, Rose. Something that makes you feel sexy... like Spanish Fly.

  Rose : [disgusted]  Spanish flies?

  Dorothy : Fly, Rose. One Fly. Spanish Fly.

  Rose : Oh, come on Dorothy. I've been to Spain. It's not the cleanest country in the world, they must have thousands of flies.

  Dorothy : It is not a fly Rose! It's a beetle!

  Rose : They call it a fly but it's really a beetle?

  Dorothy : Yes.

  Rose : How do they know it's Spanish?

  Dorothy : Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!

• Rose : On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no good, underhanded, back-stabbing worm.

  Dorothy : Let me guess, Rose: Ivan Boskivanderfluvenhoovenmeistergarbingerbinfleckman?

  Rose : That's the louse!

• [Rose has taken Dorothy and Blanche to Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Haciendo, a kiddie birthday party restruant] 

  Rose : Well, you always complained your birthdays are dull and boring. This place looked very exciting!

  Dorothy : Yes, Rose, to a five-year-old... OR SOMEONE WHO THINKS LIKE ONE!

• Sophia : Make way for the victors.

  Rose : You won the big game?

  Sophia : No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.

• Rose : Oh, Blanche, if your 21st birthday was 20 years ago, you'd only be 41 years old!

  Blanche : That's right.

  Rose : Gee, you look terrible for your age.

• Dorothy : Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?

  Blanche : I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.

  Rose : It looks like a perfume sample.

  Dorothy : Put it behind your ears, Rose.

• Sophia : I need some advice, Rose.

  Rose : You are asking advice from me?

  Sophia : Yea, frightening isn't it?

• Rose : I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.

  Dorothy : You realized you forgot to dial first.

  Rose : No.

  Blanche : You were holding the receiver the wrong way.

  Rose : No.

  Dorothy : You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.

  Rose : No.

  Blanche : A shoe?

  Rose : No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?

• Rose : Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.

  Dorothy : I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.

• Rose : How long were Jean and Pat married?

  Dorothy : They were together for about eight years.

  Rose : Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.

  Dorothy : If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.

• Dorothy : Rose, I am not in denial.

  Rose : Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

  Dorothy : Rose, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.

  Rose : If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.

  Dorothy : Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

• [Rose and Blanche are practicing for a Sound of Music play. Blanche is pretending to be standing on a balcony while Rose runs in yelling her lines] 

  Rose : [running into the room]  The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!

  Sophia : [dashing in from the kitchen]  Everybody grab a gun and go to the basement!

• Rose : Back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought cake.

  Dorothy : Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.

  Rose : Stop it, Dorothy. You're making me homesick!

• Blanche : Oh, just shut up! Shut up, you babbling, bobble-headed, bleach blonde...

  [struggles for another word] 

  Sophia : Baboon.

  Blanche : Baboon!

  [storms out] 

  Dorothy , Rose : [stare at Sophia] 

  Sophia : She needed a 'B!'

• Rose : How is he?

  Dorothy : I'll be honest: right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.

• [Sophia finishes telling a story] 

  Rose : Wow, Sophia, that was some story!

  Sophia : Yeah-funny, touching and with a surprise twist ending. I wonder if was true. Damn that stroke.

• Rose : Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?

  Rose , Sophia : [Sophia holds up a knife]  Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

• Rose : The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is 'Use a gun, go apologize.'

• Rose : Blanche, did you really start shaving at eleven? That seems so young!

  Blanche : Oh, I did it on a dare. You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, why, you'd become loose. So I shaved 'em!

  Rose : What happened?

  Blanche : Oh, it was an old wives' tale. I didn't become loose for another year and a half.

• Rose : Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!

  [Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed] 

  Dorothy : Ma, what's wrong?

  Sophia : Nothing. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

• Sophia : Come on, Blanche.

  Rose : I'm Rose.

  Sophia : Simple mistake, means nothing.

• [Blanche comes into the kitchen. Rose can't see her] 

  Blanche : I am nothing but a disgusting cheap slut.

  Rose : Don't tell me... it's Blanche.

• Rose : We weren't allowed to wear berets at my school, it was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap, though. It was long and pointy.

• Rose : I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?

  Dorothy : I haven't noticed.

  Rose : [Blanche enters]  Hi, Blanche!

  Blanche : Must you always be so cheerful, you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off?

  Rose : [to Dorothy]  Let me know if you notice anything.

• [after the girls miss a train, a group of circus performers come into the station] 

  Rose : This is a sign-it's telling us our unhappy times are over! Excuse me, Mr. Clown, but could you do something funny to put a smile on the faces of three gloomy gusses?

  Clown : Buzz off, lady. I'm on a cigarette break!

• Dorothy : Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? the boy who was raised by a moose...

  Rose : That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school

• [the girls visit a birthing center. A loud screech is heard] 

  Birthing Center Woman : It sounds like there's a mommy in the making!

  Rose : It sounds like there's a mommy on *fire*!

• [Rose is up late, baking] 

  Rose : I couldn't sleep, so I whipped up a batch of Sverhoeven Crispies. It's a traditional midnight snack from St. Olaf dating back to Viking times.

  Dorothy : Well, I guess after a hard night of pillaging and raping, a Viking would want a little something to go with his cocoa.

• [Repeated line] 

  Rose : Back in St. Olaf...

• Rose : Lets face it, Blanche, you have Bette Davis eyes... and Freddy Kruger hands!

• Miles Webber : I'm a college professor, Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?

  Rose : I thought you were old.

• [talking about bobbing for yams] 

  Rose : I had a knack for coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.

  Blanche : I was once told I had the firmest, most appealing gams.

• [Rose has asked Sophia for advice] 

  Rose : What's the point? You won't believe me anyway.

  Sophia : Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they've had their fingerprints changed.

• Dorothy : The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?

  Rose : I kept a chicken in my home.

  Dorothy : You see my point?

• Blanche : Sophia, I need you.

  Sophia : Blanche, you were strong and independent long before I got here.

  Rose : I need you too, Sophia.

  Sophia : Rose, you need the Wizard of Oz.

• Rose : Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he's got everything.

• Dorothy : [on Sophia's memory loss]  I hate watching what this is doing to her.

  Blanche : I hate watching what this is doing to you.

  Rose : I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginnings of rented videotapes.

• Sophia : We never forgot anything in Sicily because people would tie string around each other's fingers. No... wait, it wasn't string, it was piano wire. And wait... it wasn't your finger, it was your neck. In fact, piano wire was the second-biggest export in our village. You know what the number one export was?

  Rose : No, what?

  Sophia : Hell if I know. I was hoping you could tell me!

• Dorothy : Rose, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck!

  Rose : No, but you do look the woman who used to drive it.

• Rose : Heaven is full of cows, chickens, horses and pigs...

  Sophia : I hope Heaven has *boots*!

• Rose : I'm gonna make a special glückenflügen to celebrate it. It's a special dish that takes hours to prepare.

  Dorothy : Ohh! Please Rose! Why don't you do what we all do? Buy frozen glückenflügen!

• Rose : I can't believe my mother is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!

• Dorothy : [the girls visit a birthing center]  What kind of idiot would want to give birth here?

  Rose : This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

• Rose : [on Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses]  Oh Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to divide Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.

  Sophia : Well I figure yours should be about half. After all you're the one that killed her.

• Blanche : You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms.

  Rose : Is that true?

  Blanche : They just let it all hang out.

  Rose : Really?

  Blanche : Bushy as can be.

  Rose : Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?

  Dorothy : Like Milton Berle.

• Rose : When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?

  Blanche : Hopefully it says, '"Touch my leg!"

  Dorothy : That's in case they miss the tattoo that says the same.

• Rose : I just found out I'm the most boring on Earth.

  Sophia : Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

• Rose : Blanche, I can't believe you. Where do you get your nerve?

  Blanche : Ironically, from Uncle Lucas.

• Rose : [discussing hair removal products]  Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?

  Dorothy : What is it?

  Rose : Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line.

  Dorothy : Yeah, I don't know whether I wanna use this. It says it's gonna hurt.

  Rose : Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.

  Dorothy : Why don't we just set each other on fire?

  Rose : Dorothy...

  Dorothy : All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.