- Mark Stiggs: [specifying the Gila Monster car to Ms Bunny] OK, Ms. Bunny! Number 1, we want zero miles to the gallon.
- Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: Right. No MPGs. It has to be a vulgarlay inefficient mode of trasnportation.
- Mark Stiggs: Loud, real loud. It has to generate a terrifyingly seismic field of noise. If we could combine really loud noise with the ugliness of poverty, we'd have the ideal car.
- Mark Stiggs: ...making people think that you're poor, so they know you've got nothing to loose if they crash into your car....
- Mark Stiggs: Here's a list of places I want this car to be totally unwelcome. Number one: funerals. Number two: affairs of state, you know, real formal ones...ones with...chamber music. Number three: wet golf greens. Number four: the acropolis.
- Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: Ah, yes. Driving this car right in the acropolis should be completely horrifying to every civilized guy on earth.
- Mark Stiggs: [speaking to Sponson about what wedding gift to buy for Lenore Schwab] She's real frail and introverted, she likes to dance to ballet and play her harp. We thought she'd be happier with a... machine gun.
- [O.C. and Stiggs are at Lenora Schwab's wedding and are fooling with the Uzi they gave as a present.]
- Randall: Hey, whatcha got?
- Stiggs: Randall, how would you like to have more fun than you've ever had in your life?
- Randall: I don't know. I've had a lot of fun. I have Legos, you know.
- Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: I dunno about this, Stiggs. That goon has a gun!
- Mark Stiggs: It's OK! He's crazy!
- Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: [talking about the car dealer, Ms. Bunny] It was the last case that gramps had before he retired... she got off with a hung jury.
- Mark Stiggs: They hung the whole jury?
- Mr. Granger: Oliver, is it? Oliver Cromwell Ogilvy.
- Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: Uh, just O.C.'s fine.
- Stiggs: It stands for "Out of Control".
- Pat Coletti: This is the life, isn't it? I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight.
- [scoffs]
- Pat Coletti: I know where 624 of them will be on Monday morning. Workin' for me. In my sweatshop.
- [toasting]
- Pat Coletti: To Mexico.
- Stiggs: So, what do you, like, do?
- Pat Coletti: Basically, I drink. And I make a lot of money.
- Stiggs: I mean, what kind of work do you do, that you *can* do, really wasted?
- Pat Coletti: Hog couture, boys.
- Stiggs: Hog couture? How's that?
- Pat Coletti: I manufacture clothes for fat women.
- [last lines]
- Gramps: [meeting his new nurse] Hey, if you're gonna be hanging around the house, I need to know two things.
- Nurse: What are those?
- Gramps: Can you make huevos rancheros?
- Nurse: Oh, I can manage that.
- Gramps: Good. Now, what's your story on menopause, huh?
- Nurse: I always pause for men, Harry.