A Zed & Two Noughts (1985)
Brian Deacon: Oswald Deuce
Photos
Quotes
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Oswald Deuce : How fast does a woman decompose?
Oliver Deuce : Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.
Oswald Deuce : Does being pregnant make any difference?
Oliver Deuce : No.
Oswald Deuce : And the baby?
Oliver Deuce : How far gone was she?
Oswald Deuce : Perhaps ten weeks.
Oliver Deuce : Then you'd never know.
Oswald Deuce : [long pause] I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away.
[short pause]
Oswald Deuce : What is the first thing that happens?
Oliver Deuce : The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.
Oswald Deuce : What sort of bacteria?
Oliver Deuce : [matter-of-factly] Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
Oswald Deuce : Suppose Eve kissed Adam.
Oliver Deuce : Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
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Alba Bewick : I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.
Oswald Deuce : You what?
Oliver Deuce : You are?
Alba Bewick : I am.
Oswald Deuce : Good lord.
Oliver Deuce : You can?
Alba Bewick : Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?
Oswald Deuce : I'm not sure.
Alba Bewick : You're not sure!
Oswald Deuce : I'm delighted!
Alba Bewick : You are delighted!
[suspiciously]
Alba Bewick : A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!
Oswald Deuce : It might help! Give you more stability.
Alba Bewick : Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.
Oliver Deuce : So... who's the father?
Alba Bewick : Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?
Oliver Deuce : Why, don't you know?
Alba Bewick : Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.
Oswald Deuce : But you...
Alba Bewick : NO BUTS!
[smiling]
Alba Bewick : You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!