Back to School (1986)

Keith Gordon: Jason Melon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Player #1 : Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?

  Derek : Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges.

  [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] 

  Derek : Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!

  Player #1 : [to Jason]  You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.

  Jason Melon : Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?

  Player #1 : Shut up, meat-head!

  Thornton Melon : Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.

  Player #1 : Yeah? Wanna make something of it?

  Thornton Melon : Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...

  Thornton Melon : [points at Lou]  HE gets physical.

  [Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand] 

  Lou : [stepping up to the player]  You got a problem?

  Player #1 : No. I haven't got a problem.

  Lou : Well, now you do.

  [Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team] 

• Lou : Come here. I want to tell you something.

  Jason Melon : What?

  Lou : You were pretty hard on your father last night.

  Jason Melon : I know, but the guy doesn't understand.

  Lou : I know your pop thirty years. He understands. He's a nice guy, and he's tough. Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. I'll give you an idea what I mean. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall. Your papa loves you. He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.

• Jason Melon : Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.

  Thornton Melon : I tried...

  [knock on door] 

  Thornton Melon : I don't understand a word of it.

  Jason Melon : [going to the door]  So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?

  [Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there] 

  Kurt Vonnegut Jr. : [removing his hat]  Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

• Chas : [limping off the diving board]  I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.

  Jason Melon : It's probably menstrual.

  Chas : Screw you, Melon!

• Thornton Melon : Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.

  Jason Melon : Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?

  Thornton Melon : When I used to fall asleep in high school.

• Thornton Melon : [in college bookstore]  Hey, you guys get everything you need?

  Jason Melon : Oh, yeah, we got it.

  Thornton Melon : Good... Hey! What's with the used books?

  Jason Melon : Well, what's wrong with used books?

  Thornton Melon : They've already been read!

  Jason Melon : Yeah, and they already been UNDER-LINED, too. Get it?

  Thornton Melon : That's the problem. The last guy who under-lined them, he could have been a maniac! Hey, get these guys some new books. Huh? Get some new books, will ya?

• Thornton Melon : When's our first class?

  Jason Melon : Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.

  Thornton Melon : 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock.

  Jason Melon : No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.

  Thornton Melon : All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.

• [Thornton has a room full of experts writing his papers] 

  Jason Melon : Dad, what's goin' on here?

  Thornton Melon : I'm doin' my homework.

  Jason Melon : No, no, no, no, THEY're doing your homework.

  Thornton Melon : Jason, a good executive knows how to delegate authority.

• [Jason enters his dorm room with Derek to see his father and Lou waiting] 

  Jason Melon : AAAHHH! Dad, uh... what are you doing here?

  Thornton Melon : I'm robbing your room! That's what I'm doing here.

  Thornton Melon : [to Lou]  We drive 300 miles to see the kid, that's the greeting we get. Ha!

  Thornton Melon : [to Jason]  Come here, will ya? Ha ha ha.

  [they both laugh and embrace] 

  Thornton Melon : Heya. How ya doing?