Whoops Apocalypse (1986)

Peter Cook: Sir Mortimer Chris

Quotes 

• Sir Mortimer Chris : You can't show you're resolute without showing you are strong. And you can't show you're strong without blowing people up.

• Sir Mortimer Chris : Santa Maya must be liberated by any means necessary. Even diplomacy if it should come to it.

• Sir Mortimer Chris : We in this Conservative government have always believed that it's totally immoral to waste billions of pounds on nuclear bombs that are never used!

• [Chris has unveiled the nuclear defenses] 

  Sir Mortimer Chris : Brilliant. And they only cost a pound.

  Cabinet Minister : But surely... it's just an umbrella?

  [cut to minister being crucified] 

• President Barbara Adams : Where is the sanity in vaporizing millions of totally innocent people?

  Sir Mortimer Chris : Well it shut Japan up, didn't it!

• Sir Mortimer Chris : As I was personally indisposed at the hospital, the safety of the Princess was in fact in the hands of my two cabinet men, Mr. Lipman and Mr. Kubert. They are both honourable men, and in the past twenty-four hours each have handed in a written request to be publically crucified. And regrettably, I had to grant this request.

• Sir Mortimer Chris : You think that nuclear war is unthinkable, because once it starts, no-one can win. Well, you're wrong!

• Sir Mortimer Chris : Now, to another matter; the record levels of unemployment. Many say that unemployment is the result of government mismanaging and underspending. Nothing can be further from the truth. We all know the real cause of unemployment, don't we gentlemen? Unemployment, in this country, is caused by pixies.

• Nigel Lipman : When exactly did you form this theory prime minister?

  Sir Mortimer Chris : To be quite honest Nigel; the pieces only started to fit together last week. I was visiting a factory in Stockport. Literally hundreds had lost their jobs, and no wonder, the place was crawling with them.

  Nigel Lipman : With pixies?

  Sir Mortimer Chris : Yes; sprites, elven folk. Which is why I am beginning this campaign.

  Nigel Lipman : I see.

  [pause] 

  Nigel Lipman : What campaign?

  Sir Mortimer Chris : The stamp out evil pixies campaign! The public have to be educated on this one Nigel.

  [cut to him being interviewed] 

  Sir Mortimer Chris : They're about two foot tall, and the worst ones

  [he holds up an empty jar] 

  Sir Mortimer Chris : are the invisible ones!

• Nigel Lipman : He's brainwashed the entire country! He's gone stark, staring, raving...

  [Chris enters] 

  Sir Mortimer Chris : Morning.

  Nigel Lipman : Morning, Prime Minister.

  Sir Mortimer Chris : Sorry I'm late, there was a nest of leprechauns in the bread bin.

• Sir Mortimer Chris : Having established the root cause of unemployment, we now need to come up with a job creation program. I have devised an idea that will create millions of new jobs within the first year of operation. Every week, five hundred working people jump off a cliff, thus creating five hundred new jobs.

• Sir Mortimer Chris : It's a little severe, but it's always the worst tasting medicine that does the most good.

• Sir Mortimer Chris : [Showing off steel hook replacement for hand]  What do you think? Had it done by microsurgery. British medicine's the finest in the world.

• President Barbara Adams : Surely you can see that nobody's life, not even that of a member of the royal family, is worth a global holocaust?

  Sir Mortimer Chris : Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way Barbara. I never took you for a pinko.