Ishtar (1987)

Dustin Hoffman: Chuck Clarke

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Quotes 

• Chuck Clarke : Stupid-ass camel! He'd rather sit there and die!

  Lyle Rogers : You know, I kind of admire that.

  Chuck Clarke : Me too.

• Chuck Clarke : l lived with my parents till l was 32. l've just dribbled my life away.

  Lyle Rogers : Hey, it takes a lot of nerve to have nothing at your age, don't you understand that? Most guys'd be ashamed, but you've got the guts to just say 'to hell with it'. You say that you'd rather have nothing than settle for less. Understand?

• Chuck Clarke : [singing]  I feel so small when I look at the stars. How big is Venus?

  Lyle Rogers : [singing]  How big is Mars?

  Chuck Clarke : I feel so small when I look at the sky. How big is HEAVEEEEN?

  Lyle Rogers : How big am I?

  Army Man : Applaud!

  [Army table goes nuts] 

• Lyle Rogers : What a smuck I was...

  Chuck Clarke : Schmuck! It's not smuck. Schmuck!

  Lyle Rogers : Smuck!

  Chuck Clarke : [loud]  Schmuck!

  Lyle Rogers : Sssssssssmuck!

  Chuck Clarke : Say "ssshhhh"

  Lyle Rogers : Ssshhhhhh.

  Chuck Clarke : Now say "muck".

  Lyle Rogers : [soft]  Muck.

  Chuck Clarke : Now say "ssshhh" and "muck" together real fast.

  Lyle Rogers : Smuck!

  Chuck Clarke : ...Closer.

  Lyle Rogers : You really know the lingo.

• Chuck Clarke : So what are you doing here, Jim?

  Jim Harrison : I'm with the CIA.

  Chuck Clarke : Interesting work?

  Jim Harrison : lt's okay. lt's a little rough right now because the Communists are trying to instigate a coup against the Emir and take over lshtar.

  Chuck Clarke : Why?

  Jim Harrison : That's how it works. Today they get lshtar, tomorrow they get North Africa.

  Chuck Clarke : Why?

  Jim Harrison : That's how it works.

• Chuck Clarke : Either shoot me or lower your voice.

• Chuck Clarke : You mean you bought a camel?

  Lyle Rogers : No, I didn't really buy it. They *sold* it to me!

• Lyle Rogers : You didn't have to leave with me, now I've spoiled the night for you.

  Chuck Clarke : You gotta give yourself a break! You've never been out with anyone but your wife.

  Lyle Rogers : Yeah, but you gotta have the looks, Chuck. I mean, you walk into a place like that and girls just want ya, ya know, ya got that kinda face. Kinda mean lookin' but with character. And the way you walk, you can only do that with a small body! Didya ever hear of a big sports car? I mean, if I'd look like you -...

  Chuck Clarke : Oh, you so idealize me!

• Chuck Clarke : Take one sip at a time. That water has to last you about another 48 minutes.

  Lyle Rogers : Why, what happens then?

  Chuck Clarke : We run out of water.

• Chuck Clarke : Is this the oasis?

  Lyle Rogers : Does this look like an oasis to you?

  Chuck Clarke : Yeah, look at the birds.

  [He takes a good look at them] 

  Chuck Clarke : Are those vultures?

  Lyle Rogers : Yeah.

  Chuck Clarke : You mean they're here on spec?

• Lyle Rogers : Chuck, this isn't really a good time to get depressed.

  Chuck Clarke : You're right, I don't know what's wrong with me.

  Lyle Rogers : Look at the upside: we're not livin' lives of quiet desperation.

• Chuck Clarke : [Chuck and Lyle are writing a song]  Shit man, when you're on you're on.

• Chuck Clarke : l feel like this is a very special part of the evening. A couple of years ago, there was a very young grey-haired couple here celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary. And last year, they came back - for their 52nd wedding anniversary. And l told them that if they came back here the following year, l'd have a song written for them. And they're back. Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos celebrating this evening their 53rd wedding anniversary.

  [singing] 

  Chuck Clarke : I promised I'd love you forever, A promise I'm planning to keep, You'll be well taken care of, After I've gone, Off to the land of the big sleep, I'm leaving some love in my will, Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will, My life is nearly over, And time goes by so fast, So I'm going to give you a present, to thank you for the past...

• Chuck Clarke : And now, a song dedicated to a lovely lady... of the Left.

• Chuck Clarke : [Reading a note passed by the waiter]  Oh my God, this guy's a songwriter and he liked my song! He wants to buy me a drink!

• Chuck Clarke : [Chuck and Lyle are songwriting at the bar after closing time]  Can't we just have half an hour?

  Bartender : Half an hour? Half an hour like the last half hour?

  Chuck Clarke : [to Lyle]  Hey, how about, how about "Give me half an hour like the last half hour"

  Lyle Rogers : [Playing furiously]  Give me half an hour!

  Chuck Clarke : Like the last half-hour!

  Lyle Rogers : Give me half an hour!

  Chuck Clarke : Like the last half-hour!

• Lyle Rogers , Chuck Clarke : [singing]  Telling the truth can be dangerous business; / Honest and popular don't go hand in hand. / If you admit that you play the accordion, / No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band. / But we can sing out hearts out. / And if we're lucky, then no neighbors complain. / Because life is the way we audition for God; / Let us pray that we all get the job.

• Chuck Clarke : (singing) Because of yourself, you don't know what I am.

  Lyle Rogers : What?

• Chuck Clarke : I see her standing in the backyard of my mind, she cracks her knuckles and the scab that's on her knee won't go away. I see the woman waiting in her eyes and I can see the love but I can't see the Brooklyn Dodgers in LA.

• Chuck Clarke : Hello...

  Lyle Rogers : Hello...

  Chuck Clarke : Baby...

  Lyle Rogers : Baby...

  Chuck Clarke : Love you...

  Lyle Rogers : Love you...

  Chuck Clarke : Baby...

  Lyle Rogers : Baby...

• Chuck Clarke : [Dancing frenetically]  Darlin'! Oh my little darlin'! Where... are-are you?

  Lyle Rogers : [Rigid at his microphone]  Hoopa-hoopa-hoopa.

• Lyle Rogers : He's pointing a gun at us!

  Chuck Clarke : Will you stop being paranoid?

• Chuck Clarke : Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi, Schmuckit! Mahallah Hutz Boiyah!

• Chuck Clarke : What do you say we get this show on the road?

  Lyle Rogers : Honduras?

  Chuck Clarke : Morocco, it's safer.

• Lyle Rogers : Look at that, Simon & Garfunkel's "Greatest Hits".

  Chuck Clarke : Lyle, ''Dangerous Business'' is as good as anything they ever wrote.

  Lyle Rogers : You think so?

  Chuck Clarke : Sure. The only thing that Simon & Garfunkel or Bruce Springsteen or any of these guys have that we don't have is an agent.

  Lyle Rogers : You think so?

  Chuck Clarke : "Dangerous Business'' is as good as ''Bridge Over Troubled Water'' any day of the week.

  Lyle Rogers : You think so?

  Chuck Clarke : l'm telling you, if we get an agent, we get a record album.

• Chuck Clarke : Forget ''herb.'' l never heard a hit that had the word ''herb'' in it.

• Marty Freed : l also can get you ten weeks in Morocco at 950 dirham a week. That's $95 in American money. Unfortunately, l can only get you airfare from the Canary lslands.

  Chuck Clarke : Ah, l'll call you about it in the morning.

  Lyle Rogers : Me too.

  Marty Freed : Want me to drive you anywhere?

  Chuck Clarke : No, thanks. l'm gonna walk around for a while. l want to do some thinking.

  Lyle Rogers : Me too.

• Carol : l was thinking that if we lived together, l would just make your life so much easier.

  Chuck Clarke : Life isn't that bad, l just have a lot of pain.

• Chuck Clarke , Lyle Rogers : [singing]  Software, I'm looking for software, I gotta have software, For my machine!

• Chuck Clarke : Really, l'm very flattered, but l'm straight. l'm not proud of it and l'm not ashamed of it. l mean, l respect your way of life, but, it just isn't mine. That doesn't mean that mine is any better or any worse.

• U.S. Consul : This country's on the brink of civil war.

  Lyle Rogers : No, no! This is it! This is the end!

  Chuck Clarke : Easy. Calm down, Lyle.

  Lyle Rogers : We're gonna lose our booking. We're gonna be cancelled. We're gonna be fired! We're gonna be stuck here in lshtar with no money, no job!

• Chuck Clarke : You see, Jim, all the big record companies want to sign us for an album. But right now, we're just refining our songs, you know, so we don't get ripped off by people like Simon & Garfunkel and, you know, Springsteen. So we do it in Morocco. Then it's ours.

  Jim Harrison : You know, you're the first guy in show business l've met over here. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. Give me an autograph for my kid.

• Chuck Clarke : l bet we could have any woman in this club.

  Lyle Rogers : Not me. Women don't like me.

• Jim Harrison : The men in straw hats are members of Emir Yousef's army. They're trying to kill you.

  Chuck Clarke : l thought Emir Yousef was our guy.

  Jim Harrison : He is. He is. But he doesn't like the idea of your friend dealing with a known Communist.

• Chuck Clarke , Lyle Rogers : [singing]  Hello, Ishtar, You're more than a country, You're a state of mind, Hello, Morocco, You're equally pretty, You're never gonna get left behind

  Chuck Clarke : Hello romance

  Lyle Rogers : Hello adventure...

• Chuck Clarke : As one agent to another, l've heard the emir is a prick.

  Jim Harrison : Really? Well, we'll have to look into that.

• Jim Harrison : Chuck, while l was waiting for you here, Shirra Assel was spotted leaving your hotel room. When she left, her clothes were torn, her shirt was out, she was breathing heavily. We feel fairly certain that there was a sexual encounter between Shirra Assel and Lyle and that Lyle was recruited as a left-wing agent when they, uh...

  Chuck Clarke : Oh, don't be silly. Lyle's not a communist. He's from the South. And l don't think she's that kind of girl.

  Jim Harrison : She's a suspected terrorist.

  Chuck Clarke : Granted. But that doesn't mean she sleeps around.

• Jim Harrison : lt could certainly cost us lshtar. And we can't afford that, Chuck, especially since Morocco signed a pact with Gaddafi.

  Chuck Clarke : ls that near here?

  Jim Harrison : Gaddafi's a person. He rules Libya.