Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Cassandra Peterson: Elvira

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Bob Redding : How's your head?

  Elvira : I haven't had any complaints yet.

  Bob Redding : [confused]  Excuse me?

  Elvira : Oh, uh, I think I'll live.

• Elvira : And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.

  [stops to think] 

  Elvira : Any two, as long as they're simple.

  [breaks down crying] 

• Bob Redding : I run the movie house.

  Elvira : Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?

  Bob Redding : No...

  Elvira : How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?

  Bob Redding : I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.

  Elvira : Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

• Chastity Pariah : [seeing Elvira arriving]  Well, I never.

  Elvira : Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.

  Chastity Pariah : Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.

  Elvira : Listen, sister. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

• [Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will] 

  Elvira : Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt. Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?

• Vincent Talbot : I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.

  Elvira : It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.

• Sheriff : [offering a cigarette]  Do you smoke?

  Elvira : Guess, we'll find out soon enough.

• Elvira : Bloody Mary.

  Bartender : No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?

  Elvira : Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

• Elvira : [to the town's teenagers]  Just grab a tool and start banging.

• Elvira : And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing The Head with Two Things... I mean The Thing with Two Heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.

• Earl Hooter : The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.

  Elvira : Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?

• Bob Redding : You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.

  Elvira : [surprised]  Oh. I thought that cleared up.

• Cop : Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?

  Elvira : No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it.

• Patty : [about Elvira's mess]  Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.

  Elvira : Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, Catch of the Day?

  Patty : Look, honey. I don't know which hole did you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in, if you know what's good for you.

  Elvira : Yeah well, you better watch out. You're gonna put some eyes out with these things.

• Elvira : I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.

• Elvira : I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

• Bob Redding : [on Elvira's home-cooked casserole]  No, you didn't.

  Elvira : Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas.

• Elvira : Robin, what's there to do for fun around here?

  Robin Meeker : This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.

  Elvira : [surprised]  Gee, I think I can handle it.

• Elvira : [ringing the motel bell]  I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?

  Mrs. Meeker : Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to motel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.

• Elvira : I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!

• Elvira : I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.

• Bob Redding : Well, at least you still have the ring.

  Elvira : Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.

• Anchorwoman : [Elvira bumps into her]  Is there anything that could possibly shame you?

  Elvira : [flicks anchorwoman's scarf]  Yeah, wearing this in a public place might do it.

• Lesley Meeker : We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin who checked out this morning?

  Elvira : Ew, I hope you changed the sheets.

• Elvira : [to Bob]  My name's Elvira, but you can call me 'tonight'.

• Earl Hooter : Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.

  Elvira : Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror! It just so happens, I have an act opening up in Las Vegas!

• Bob Redding : [after using kerosene to wash off tar]  What's that perfume you're wearing?

  Elvira : Super Unleaded. Don't smoke!

• Elvira : It'll be a guaranteed standing ovulation!

• Elvira : Whoa. Must have taken too much antacid in the sixties.

• Chastity Pariah : I don't know who you are, or where you're from but you don't fit in this town. You don't even fit in that dress.

  Elvira : If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you

• Elvira : Listen, is there a motel or something around here?

  Mr. Rivers : [while examining the engine]  Well, there's the Cozy Cot down by the widow Bishop's feed store. Course her son took that over after she had that spell of gingivitis. Her whole mouth swoll up like she ate a box of staples. Folks say she got it after kissing that little dog of hers.

  Mr. Rivers : [notices she walked away while talking]  Nice tits.

• Vincent Talbot : As you may have surmised my sister and I, shall we say, had our differences.

  Elvira : Yeah, you really got shafted. Tell you what, I'll share my inheritance with you. You can have the dog.

  Vincent Talbot : No! Thank you. But I would be interested in acquiring that recipe book, you know, for sentimental reasons. I'd be willing to pay you, say, $50.

  Elvira : [Chastity Pariah passes by and only hears Elvira's response]  Yeah, sure, I'll do it for fifty bucks.

  Chastity Pariah : [indignantly]  Oh!