Without a Clue (1988)

Ben Kingsley: Dr. John Watson

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Quotes 

• Holmes : It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!

  Watson : Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?

  Holmes : That's right! You were!

  Watson : Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.

  Holmes : You mean he's not trying to kill me?

  Watson : Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.

  Holmes : Oh, thank God.

• Holmes : I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...

  Watson : Holmes, could I have a word?

  Holmes : Yes, what is it?

  Watson : I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.

  Holmes : Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?

  Watson : Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.

  Holmes : It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...

• Holmes : How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?

  Watson : Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?

  Holmes : Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?

• Sherlock Holmes : What are you doing?

  Dr. Watson : Thinking.

  Sherlock Holmes : Right. I'm going to think too.

  [Long pause] 

  Sherlock Holmes : What shall we think about, Watson?

• Dr. Watson : Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.

  Lord Smithwick : [scoffing]  Dr. Watson...

  Dr. Watson : Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...

  Inspector Lestrade : [interrupting]  Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.

  Dr. Watson : I'm not playing parlor games-...

  Inspector Lestrade : Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!

  Sherlock Holmes : [bursting in]  You've got to help me! There's two big men...

  Dr. Watson : Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.

  Sherlock Holmes : There's two - this one big fellow...

  Dr. Watson : Ah, excuse us just a moment.

  [He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm] 

  Dr. Watson : Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

  Sherlock Holmes : Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?

  Lord Smithwick : Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?

  Sherlock Holmes : The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...

  Dr. Watson : [prompting]  China.

  Sherlock Holmes : China.

  Lord Smithwick : AMAZING!

  Sherlock Holmes : Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?

  Lord Smithwick : I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.

  Sherlock Holmes : I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?

• Watson : I'll ask you once more: Are you coming with me?

  Holmes : I would rather waltz naked through the fires of Hell.

• [Holmes and Watson are walking through some woods. Holmes is looking up into the trees] 

  Holmes : What am I looking for?

  Watson : Footprints.

  Holmes : Ah.

  [Holmes looks down] 

  Holmes : Have I found any yet?

  Watson : Not yet.

  Holmes : Well let me know when I do.

• Holmes : Lovely story, Watson. But on page 2 you have me admitting a mistake.

  Watson : A writer must write of which he knows...

• [Watson reveals the ongoing deception to his publisher] 

  Greenhough : We'll start at the beginning, shall we?

  Dr. Watson : It was about nine years ago. One of my patients was a Scotland Yard inspector investigating the Paxton murder case. I give him the name of the murderer, but gave credit to a, heh, nonexistent detective. At the time, I was hoping for an appointment to the staff of a rather conservative medical college; I... knew that they'd frown on my little, uh...

  Greenhough : Hobby...

  Dr. Watson : Exactly. Well, I didn't get the appointment. Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated public demand to meet this "Sherlock Holmes."

  Greenhough : So you hired this Reginald Kincaid.

  Dr. Watson : He was an actor. Unfortunately, he was also a gambler, a womanizer, and a drunkard.

  Greenhough : John, you have jeopardized the integrity of English literature! Still, I should have known. He was always borrowing large sums of money off me and, uh, never paying me back.

  Dr. Watson : The cad!

  Greenhough : Oh, don't worry, we deducted it from your royalties.

• [Watson tries working without "Holmes"] 

  Dr. Watson : That's right. John Watson, the Crime Doctor.

  Bobby at Warehouse : Crime Doctor? Never heard of him. Though, uh, your name sounds a bit familiar.

  Dr. Watson : [grudgingly]  All right. I am Dr. John Watson, author of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries.

  Bobby at Warehouse : [warming]  Sherlock Holmes?

  Dr. Watson : Yesssss.

  Bobby at Warehouse : THE Sherlock Holmes?

  Dr. Watson : Yesssss.

  Bobby at Warehouse : Me and the wife... has read every one of his stories.

  Dr. Watson : All right. Now, if you'll excuse...

  Bobby at Warehouse : But I'm sorry, doctor. I still can't let you in. Strict orders about that, I'm afraid. Uh, Mr. Holmes, did he, uh, send you here?

  Dr. Watson : He certainly did not!

  Bobby at Warehouse : Well, perhaps the next time you should check with him first, eh? Save yourself a trip.

• Watson : Mandchurian mambo...

  [slaps a bush] 

  Watson : Steady, Watson! Just get through it one more time! Then you're rid of that fellow... What a pleasant thought!

  [breezes hearable] 

  Watson : I feel much better... quite euphoric!

• Watson : Have you got your revolver with you?

  Holmes : Yeah, sure.

  [fumbles around] 

  Holmes : Here it is.

  Watson : Right, now I'm going to let you have some bullets for it. Try not to shoot yourself - at least, not until I give the signal.

• Holmes : MORIARTY?

  Watson : Oh, for God's sake...

  Holmes : You didn't tell me that homicidal maniac was in on this!

  Watson : That's because I knew you'd behave this way.

  Holmes : Bravo! Another triumph for deductive reasoning!

• Watson : Lord Mayor! Don't move until Holmes has searched the area for clues!

  Holmes : My GOD I've trained you well, Watson!

• Inspector Lestrade : His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.

  Dr. Watson : I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.

  Lord Smithwick : Oh, how disappointing.

  Inspector Lestrade : Sir, as I said before, I really don't think Mr. Holmes' involvement in this case is at all necessary.

  Dr. Watson : I quite agree.

  Inspector Lestrade : You do?

  Dr. Watson : However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.

  Inspector Lestrade : Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?

• Sherlock Holmes : Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.

  Dr. Watson : No, we don't.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.

  Dr. Watson : No he didn't.

  Sherlock Holmes : (He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.

  Dr. Watson : No, he wasn't.

• Leslie : Oh, you brave, brave man!

  Sherlock Holmes : Danger is my trade - but not yours. It's unsafe for you to sleep alone tonight, unattended.

  Dr. Watson : Yes, we insist you stay with us.

  Leslie : Oh, but, but surely I'd be an imposition.

  Sherlock Holmes : Think nothing of it, my dear.

  Dr. Watson : Indeed. Holmes will be working... all night anyway, so you can have his room.

• Watson : Last night, Holmes realized how stupid he had been.

  Holmes : Now, I didn't say stupid...

  Watson : Yes, you did.

• [Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty prepare to have a swordfight on the stage of the Orpheum Theater] 

  Professor James Moriarty : Ordinarily I do not bother with half-wits and buffoons.

  [Holmes reaches to draw a sword from nearby, but grabs Mrs. Hudson's umbrella by accident] 

  Holmes : Buffoons, is it?

  [Moriarty looks annoyed. Realizing his mistake, Holmes quickly tosses the umbrella aside and draws a sword for real this time] 

  Holmes : Buffoon, is it?

  Mrs. Hudson : [Looking on with Dr. Watson]  He'll be killed!

  Dr. Watson : I quite doubt it, Mrs. Hudson. He's in his element now.

• [Holmes and Watson enter a home and Watson picks up the mail] 

  Dr. Watson : Oh, a French postcard.

  Holmes : Really?

  [he takes the card from Watson] 

  Holmes : I know a chap who collected these once. He had this wonderful one... two women... oh, it's just a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

• Local #1 : A toast to the greatest detective in all the world.

  Holmes : Thank you, gentlemen. I am touched.

  Watson : I can vouch for that!

• Watson : Holmes believes your father has been abducted.

  Leslie : Abducted? By who?

  Sherlock Holmes : Abductors

• Inspector Lestrade : You're alive!

  Watson : Astounding observation, Inspector. We must discuss it.

• Dr. Watson : But it's time now for the public to learn the truth!

  Greenhough : The - truth?

  Dr. Watson : Certainly. No one will want to read of that twit again. His popularity will plummet. They'll be desperate for my new creation.

  Greenhough : What new creation?

  Dr. Watson : John Watson, the Crime Doctor! I can have it ready for your very next issue.

• Watson : I seem to spend an increasing amount of my precious time correcting your blunders, both private and public.

• Holmes : Well, if you want my opinion...

  Watson : I beg your pardon. Opinion, did you say?

  Holmes : Oh, my God. Not that speech again.

  Watson : May I remind you, for your information, sir, that your opinions are my opinions?

  Holmes : Oh, piffle!

• Holmes : Do you know what it's like to commit to memory a never-ending list of clues and deductions to be parroted back to Lestrade and reporters? Blood stains on a toothpick! Cigar ash! New soil in the garden next door! Endless twaddle!

  Watson : Twaddle? Are you referring to the systematic gathering of evidence and the logical deductions based thereon?

  Holmes : I am referring to twaddle. And you would be well served, Watson, to include fewer of those dreary details in future chronicles, and place greater emphasis on me. I am, after all, the one the public really cares about.

• Watson : At last, we're free of that ungrateful baggage.

• Lord Smithwick : Why, the man's worked here for over 30 years, and he was very religious too, wouldn't you say so, uh...

  Hadlers : Hadlers, sir. Oh yes, sir. He was always quoting from the Psalms.

  Holmes : Ah, the Psalms. One of my favorite books. The, uh, Bible, wasn't it?

  Watson : I suppose you'll want to speak to this Peter Giles, Holmes?

  Holmes : Well actually, I've never been one for religious talk myself.

  Watson : Mmm, Mmm.

  Holmes : On the other hand, no lead must be overlooked.

• Watson : Miss Leslie Giles?

  Leslie : Yes.

  Watson : Dr. John Watson at your service. And this is Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

  Leslie : Sherlock Holmes? But what do you want with me?

  Holmes : The government suspects that your father has stolen the printing plates for the five-pound note.

  Leslie : What?

  Holmes : They also believe that he is at the bottom of Lake Windermere, drowned like a rat.

  Leslie : Oh...

  [She faints] 

• Watson : Being men of no moral fiber whatsoever, they can't resist helping themselves to a new pair of shoes.

  Holmes : Do you think they have these in brown?