Seinfeld (1989–1998)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Elaine Benes

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Quotes 

• Elaine : You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.

  Jerry : I went out with you.

  Elaine : That's because my standards are too low.

• Cosmo Kramer : [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter]  I'm out!

  Elaine : What?

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.

• George Costanza : Well, I heard a noise.

  Jerry : What noise?

  George Costanza : You know, blah...

  Jerry : What blah?

  George Costanza : From the bathroom.

  Jerry : Oh, you think she was refunding?

  George Costanza : Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom.

  Elaine : So you're concerned?

  George Costanza : Elaine, of course I'm concerned... I'm payin' for those meals! It's like throwing money down the toilet!

• Elaine : Where's Kramer?

  Jerry : Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.

• George Costanza : [George rushes into Jerry's apartment]  Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?

  Jerry : No, what happened to you?

  George Costanza : All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".

  Jerry : I'm Vandelay Industries?

  George Costanza : Right.

  Jerry : What is that?

  George Costanza : You're in latex.

  Jerry : What do I do with latex?

  George Costanza : I don't know, you manufacture it.

  Elaine : Right here in this little apartment?

  Jerry : And what do I say about you?

  George Costanza : You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

  Jerry : I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?

  George Costanza : Because I asked you to.

  Jerry : If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

• Elaine Benes : Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.

  Jerry : No, there's less.

• George Costanza : You don't think she'd yada yada sex?

  Elaine : [raising hand]  I've yada yada'ed sex.

  George Costanza : Really?

  Elaine : Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

  Jerry : But you yada yada'd over the best part.

  Elaine : No, I mentioned the bisque.

• Frank Costanza : My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

  Elaine : You got that right.

  Frank Costanza : What the hell does that mean?

  Elaine : That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

  Frank Costanza : You saying you want a piece of me?

  [hits his chest] 

  Elaine : I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

  Frank Costanza : [yelling]  You want a piece of me? You got it!

• Mr. Peterman : Elaine, can you keep a secret?

  Elaine : No sir, I can't.

• Elaine : Ugh, I hate people.

  Jerry : Yeah, they're the worst.

• Elaine : [making a toast]  Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.

• Jerry : Oh, this is interesting...

  Elaine : What?

  Jerry : Jane's topless.

  [everyone takes a look] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Yo yo ma.

  Jerry : Boutros Boutros Ghali...

  Elaine : Nice rack.

• Jerry : What are you saying?

  Elaine : I'm not saying anything.

  Jerry : You're saying something.

  Elaine : What could I be saying?

  Jerry : Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.

  Elaine : If I were saying something, I would have said it.

  Jerry : So why don't you say it?

  Elaine : I said it.

  Jerry : What did you say?

  Elaine : Nothing.

• Elaine : I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

• [Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it] 

  Elaine : What's this? What happened to your fur?

  David Puddy : I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.

  Elaine : So you're going to wear this all the time?

  David Puddy : All signs point to yes.

• [staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket] 

  Elaine : Anna, whose jacket is that?

  Anna : It's mine.

  Elaine : Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.

• [George is wearing a toupee] 

  Elaine : YOU'RE BALD.

  George Costanza : Correction. I WAS bald.

• Cosmo Kramer : Well, I've got gonorrhea.

  Elaine : That seems about right.

• Elaine : All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.

  Jerry : You're serious?

  Elaine : Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

  Jerry : Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.

• Blaine : What was bad about The English Patient?

  Elaine : Only that it sucked.

• [At the Puerto Rican Day Parade] 

  Elaine : We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.

• [Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President] 

  Elaine : Who are they running against?

  Jerry : Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

• Jerry : Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.

  Elaine : Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?

• Elaine : You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.

  George Costanza : It doesn't help.

• Jerry : Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.

  Elaine : So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?

  Jerry : UNDATABLE.

  Elaine : So how are all these people gettin' together?

  Jerry : Alcohol.

• George Costanza : You could always move in with my parents.

  Elaine : Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?

  George Costanza : Instinct.

  Elaine : Stick with the opposite.

• [Elaine's boyfriend is poor] 

  George Costanza : Who is this, Blue Arrow?

  Elaine : No, the Green Lantern.

  Jerry : His superpower is lack of money.

  Elaine : All right.

  Jerry : He's invulnerable to creditors.

  Elaine : We get it.

  Jerry : He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.

• Cosmo Kramer : I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

  George Costanza : He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

  Elaine : What does that mean?

  George Costanza : Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

• George Costanza : I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".

  Elaine : Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?

  George Costanza : If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

• Jerry : You will be stunned.

  Elaine : Stunned by soup?

  Jerry : You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.

• Elaine : My father thought George was gay.

  Jerry : It must have been the singing.

  Elaine : No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.

• Elaine : Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

  Jerry : Anything's possible.

• Elaine : You were born in Italy?

  Frank Costanza : Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.

• Mr. Peterman : Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.

  Elaine : But, Mr. Peterman, I...

  Mr. Peterman : Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?

  Elaine : I guess so...

  Mr. Peterman : Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.

• [Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even] 

  Elaine : Do you have a twenty?

  Jerry : What for?

  Elaine : Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.

  [Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window] 

  Jerry : You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...

• Elaine : Jerry, it's B.O.

  Jerry : But the whole car smells.

  Elaine : So?

  Jerry : So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

• [Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car] 

  George Costanza : So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?

  Elaine : I did.

  Jerry : And the Christian rock?

  Elaine : Resurrected.

• Elaine : Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you?

  Jerry : I'm a comedian.

• Elaine : David and I will not get back together.

  Jerry : Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

• George Costanza : Do women know about shrinkage?

  Elaine : What do you mean? Like laundry?

  George Costanza : No.

  Jerry : Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...

  Elaine : It shrinks?

  Jerry : Like a frigthened turtle.

  Elaine : Why does it shrink?

  George Costanza : It just does.

  Elaine : I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

• [George trying to find a parking space] 

  Elaine : Why don't you park in a garage?

  George Costanza : ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.

• George Costanza : You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.

  Jerry : To Latvian Orthodox?

  George Costanza : Yeah, why not, what do I care...

  Jerry : Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.

  Elaine : I think it would be romantic.

  George Costanza : Really?

  Elaine : Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.

  George Costanza : King Edward.

  [snapping fingers] 

  George Costanza : Like King Edward, Jerry!

  Jerry : Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

• Elaine : [walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant]  Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.

• Elaine : Well, I'm going to hell.

  Jerry : That seems about right.

• Jerry : I hear that all the time.

  Elaine : What?

  Jerry : That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

  Elaine : People ask me that about you all the time.

  Jerry : Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat.

  George Costanza : Guess that leaves me in the clear...

• Elaine : Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?

  Jerry : I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.

• [explaining why Elaine won't be accompanying him to Africa] 

  Mr. Peterman : I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.

  Elaine : [astonished]  Opium?

  Mr. Peterman : That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

• Cosmo Kramer : Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag.

  [cut to a taxi] 

  David Puddy : Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?

  Elaine : We have to break up.

  David Puddy : What?

  Elaine : Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,

  [shouts] 

  Elaine : YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.

• Jerry : Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes.

  Elaine : Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21.

  Jerry : Elaine, booze isn't a religion.

  Elaine : Tell that to my father...

• George Costanza : Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?

  Elaine : Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy

  Jerry : Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?

  Elaine : Listen to me you, little shi...

  George Costanza : Smile!

  [And takes a picture of them] 

• Elaine : Married women don't "get together". They have affairs.

  George Costanza : Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

• Elaine : Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?

  Cosmo Kramer : Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

• Elaine : [after seeing an employee remove a "Vincent" picks sign from the movie store]  What are you doing?

  Video store employee : Vincent stopped making picks.

  Elaine : Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?

  Video store employee : We have a wide variety of Gene Picks.

  Elaine : Gene's trash.

  Video store employee : I'm Gene.

  Elaine : [embarassed]  Hi.

• Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre : So I got home... and he was vacumming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent.

  Elaine : Excuse me... excuse me.

  Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre : What's the problem?

  Elaine : ...you're talking.

• [Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction] 

  Elaine : Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.

  Cosmo Kramer : Equivalency.

  Elaine : Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut.

  [Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below] 

  Elaine : Do I hear... five bucks?

• Elaine : [about to get a rabies shot]  Will this hurt?

  Doctor : Yes, very much.

• Woman : I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.

  Elaine : It's ironic.

  Woman : What's ironic?

  Elaine : This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.

  Woman : No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?

• George Costanza : I don't even like Drake.

  Jerry : You don't like The Drake?

  George Costanza : I hate The Drake.

  Elaine : I loooooove The Drake!

  Jerry : How could you not like The Drake?

  George Costanza : Who's The Drake?

  Elaine : Who's The Drake!

  Jerry : The Drake is good.

• Elaine : Mr. Peterman, you can't leave

  J. Peterman : I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.

  Elaine : Burma?

  J. Peterman : You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.

• Elaine : [about Newman]  Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

  Jerry : Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.

• Elaine : I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.

  Jerry : You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George.

  Elaine : What?

  Jerry : You're stupid, dumb!

  Elaine : I don't understand.

  Jerry : Exactly.

• Elaine : Okay, what's your answer to number 74?

  Ben : Uh, metabolic acidosis.

  Elaine : No! Hypokalemia! Not metabolic acidosis! Duh!

• Jerry : [On phone]  Hello?

  Elaine : So how's it going with my friend?

  Jerry : She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.

  George Costanza : [Sometime later]  So you slept with her?

  Jerry : She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over.

  George Costanza : And you automatically sleep with her?

  Jerry : I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of...

  George Costanza : Finished your thought.

  Jerry : Yeah.

• Elaine : [grabs George's wig]  I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.

• Elaine : I got shooshed during Desperado.

  Jerry : Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado...

• [Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed] 

  Elaine : Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.

• [at the Puerto Rican Day parade] 

  Jerry : You can't just leave the group.

  Elaine : Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.

• [At Tim Whatley's party] 

  Elaine : This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.

• [Jerry notices an art book on the table] 

  Jerry : What is THAT book doing on the table?

  Elaine : What? What is wrong with this book?

  Jerry : That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.

  Elaine : ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.

• Elaine : A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?

  George Costanza : Yes, you. You and every woman like you.

• [Elaine is trying to put a store out of business] 

  Elaine : Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?

  [to Jerry] 

  Elaine : That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents.

  Jerry : Still a ripoff.

• Jerry : And what is his stand on abortion?

  Elaine : What?

  Jerry : What is his stand... on abortion?

  Elaine : Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

  Jerry : How do you know?

  Elaine : Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.

  Jerry : Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

• [Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy] 

  Elaine : How can you show your face around there?

  Jerry : Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.

• [Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes] 

  Jerry : Hola.

  Elaine : Shove it.

  Jerry : What's with the get up?

  Elaine : I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.

  Jerry : No wonder we've been getting so much rain.

• Jerry : Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night.

  Elaine : I know. I woke up with this.

  [points to her newly-pierced nose] 

  Jerry : Oh. Hello tetanus.

• Cosmo Kramer : I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.

  Elaine : I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?

  Cosmo Kramer : Well, I guess I was.

  Elaine : What were you going to wear home?

  Cosmo Kramer : Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

• [Elaine tries to convince Joel Rifkin to change his name] 

  Elaine : [mocking]  Oh, Stuart's a lot better! "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother."

• Elaine : It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?

  Jerry : But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home!

• Elaine : Well, you know, I... I have watched Peterman run the company.

  Cosmo Kramer : Sure you have.

  Elaine : I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.

• Jerry : Trouble!

  Elaine : What?

  Jerry : George.

  Elaine : Is it?

  Jerry : Yeah.

  Elaine : Damn!

• Jerry : George Costanza... Is getting *married*!

  Elaine : Get out!

  [shoves Jerry] 

• Cosmo Kramer : [Kramer just had a seizure]  What happened?

  Elaine : Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah.

  Elaine : That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!

• [Elaine re-enters a movie theater] 

  [whispering] 

  Elaine : What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?

  Man in Theater : [whispering]  Hey, sit down, I can't see.

  Woman in Theater : [whispering]  Get out of the way.

  Elaine : [whispering]  I can't find my seat.

  Woman in Theater : [whispering]  Just move!

  Elaine : No, *you* move!

• Elaine : Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman!

  Jerry : Boogeyman.

  Elaine : Boogey?