- Nerd Student: Father Mayii?
- Jebedaiah Mayii: Yes?
- Nerd Student: Have you adhered strictly to your vow of celibacy?
- Jebedaiah Mayii: Yes, I have.
- Nerd Student: Me too.
- Jebedaiah Mayii: I'm not surprised. Mine was by choice.
- Nancy: You're praying to a God you've never even seen before!
- Father Luke Brophy: I don't need to see him, for the bible says that God created man in his own image.
- Nancy: Oh yeah? Then how do you explain Pee Wee Herman?
- Father Luke Brophy: She has an unGodly voice, maniacal facial expressions...
- Father Jebedaiah Mayii: That doesn't prove a thing, she could be related to Joe Cocker.
- Father Luke Brophy: No.
- Father Jebedaiah Mayii: Could it be she had PMS?
- Jesse Ventura: Satan, you've got them on the run. What move are you gonna use next?
- Nancy: [possessed] Next, I'm gonna grab a wrestler by his neck, suck out his eye balls, and then spit 'em down his throat!
- Jesse Ventura: I think she's talking to you, Mean Gene.
- Nancy: [the devil, speaking through Nancy] I am far more powerful than you can ever imagine!
- Father Luke Brophy: Maybe, however you are but one being. I represent the belief of far more people. Did you know that the Christian religion has over a billion followers?
- Nancy: Big deal, so does the Wheel of Fortune!
- Frieda: What does the name 'Aglet' mean anyway?
- Braydon: Well a long time ago 'Aglet' meant 'He who puts those tiny little plastic things on shoelaces' you see a long time a go a mans' name was his profession.
- Frieda: Oh so a man named Fred Carpenter would build houses and John Baker would make bread
- Braydon: Exactly
- Ned: So what did John Hancock do?
- Nancy: [possessed] The last collar jockey who messed with me ended up with a dislocated shoulder.
- Father Luke Brophy: You don't scare me.
- Nancy: Oh, yeah? They found it in Baltimore.
- [after bodybuilder has fallen in front of him]
- Gay bodybuilder: Well, hello there I've always wanted my own personal trainer
- Father Luke Brophy: Excuse me I'm looking for a man...
- Gay bodybuilder: Get your own this one's already taken
- Braydon: What's going on, father? I just had to tie my wife down to the bed. I've never done anything like that before, well except for that one time when the kids were at camp.
- [fighting with Father Mayii in bed]
- Nancy: Don't take a look at this picture of your mother in bed with Manuel Noriega!
- Father Jebedaiah Mayii: I command you to leave this child at once!
- Nancy: [Possessed] Make me, slimeball.
- Father Jebedaiah Mayii: I am a priest!
- Nancy: Oh, pardon me, your most reverent and holy slimeball!
- Father Luke Brophy: Freeze, pukeface!
- Nancy: Ohhhhhhhhh!
- Father Luke Brophy: You think you're up for a real challenge?
- Nancy: A challenge? From you? Oh, don't make me laugh, my skin will crack!
- Father Luke Brophy: Not me... May I!
- Nancy: May I ? Oh, that old geezer quit throwing holy water years ago!
- Father Luke Brophy: Not before he kicked your slimy butt.
- Nancy: No way! It was rigged! The fight was fixed. I WANT A REMATCH!
- Father Luke Brophy: You got it.
- Jebedaiah Mayii: Luke, do not believe what you are seeing. It is merely an illusion.
- Nancy: You sound like George Bush on the deficit!
- Nancy: [while possessed] Hello I'm Barbara Walters and this is twenty twenty, haha I've always wanted to do that!
- Gene Okerlund: Steroids aren't used in wrestling anymore are they Jesse?
- Jesse Ventura: ...Or any less
- Nancy: [while possessed] You may think you've won, Brophy, but I know another way to reach all those people!
- Father Luke Brophy: Satan wait! Where do you think you're going?
- Nancy: I'm going to Disneyland!
- Nancy: SILENCE! One more word out of you little sacks of shit, and there'll be no more T.V for you tonight!
- Father Luke Brophy: You fiend!
- Jebedaiah Mayii: Why am I a fiend?
- Father Luke Brophy: Oh, I was talking to her.
- Jebedaiah Mayii: But you were looking at me.
- Father Luke Brophy: Well, you know...
- Jebedaiah Mayii: I had nothing to do with the water, Luke! It came from up there, it came from over there, it came from...
- Nancy: See I know all about you and why you really joined the church. Oh sure they have a terrific dental plan, but that wasn't why.
- Father Luke Brophy: Be quiet.
- Jebedaiah Mayii: Ignore that beast Luke.
- Nancy: You joined the church because you had no talent, no skills, were totally untrainable, and your SAT score was under 400.
- Father Luke Brophy: Shut up!
- Jebedaiah Mayii: Don't listen.
- Nancy: So you had two choices, either working in the church or the US Senate.