Soapdish (1991)

Robert Downey Jr.: David Barnes

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer] 

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

  Edmund Edwards : [offstage]  This guy never heard of contact lenses?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  The test results have come back.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  And?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...

  [pause] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

  Burton White : What the hell?

  David Barnes : [offstage]  Brain fever!

  Edmund Edwards : [offstage, loudly]  Say it!

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Brain fever!

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

  [they both goggle at the word] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Literally explode?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Exactly, within the next three houses.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Hours?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Restaurant?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Restaurant, yes.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Her brain will actually explode?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

• Celeste Talbert : David! David! David, David, David, David, David!

  David Barnes : Hey, great scene with Bolt.

  Celeste Talbert : I realize I'm not a young woman; however...

  David Barnes : What do you mean, you're not...

  Celeste Talbert : ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer

  [grabs her] 

  Celeste Talbert : whose name I don't quite have yet...

  Tawny Miller : Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert.

  Celeste Talbert : How do you do.

  [to David] 

  Celeste Talbert : - that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!

  David Barnes : [to Tawny]  You're fired.

  Tawny Miller : Oh God.

  David Barnes : I'm just kidding.

  [into PA system] 

  David Barnes : Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!

• Celeste Talbert : [accepting an award]  Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

  [At their table] 

  Ariel Maloney : Bitch!

  David Barnes : Hag!

  Montana Moorehead : I hate her so much!

• Rose Schwartz : The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?

  David Barnes : They froze the head. They put it on ice. They put it back on in a precedent setting two-day operation. You know, its like, would you use your imagination.

  Rose Schwartz : He doesn't have a head!

• Montana Moorehead : [after seeing Lori on People magazine]  YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED!

  David Barnes : Hey! We were never naked.

  Montana Moorehead : Well, we could've been! Not only did you get rid of Celeste but you - YOU CREATED LORI! This ingénue from HELL! She has more lines than I do and she's a GOD... DAMN... MUTE!

• [offstage - watching the monitor as it is revealed on live TV that Montana is a man] 

  Edmund Edwards : She's a boy!

  [long, incredulous pause] 

  David Barnes : Yeah, well we *knew* that.

  [starts gagging] 

  Edmund Edwards : Are you okay?

  David Barnes : [weak voice]  I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.

• Betsy Faye Sharon : She came in yesterday. I don't know who the hell she is. Her name is Naven, Maven, Slaven... Claven... there's no agent.

  David Barnes : Find her.

  Betsy Faye Sharon : Well, what if she can't act?

  Burton White : That never stopped us before!

  [Barnes snaps his fingers] 

  Betsy Faye Sharon : What?

  David Barnes : [snap, snap, snap, snap, snap]  We make her mute!

  Burton White : What?

  David Barnes : If she doesn't speak, we don't have to pay her as much. A homeless deaf-mute: what could be more pathetic? God, I'm good.

• Lori Craven : [bursting into David's office]  We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird.

  [to Montana] 

  Lori Craven : Do you mind?

  Montana Moorehead : You, you're asking me to leave?

  Lori Craven : That's right. I'm asking you to leave.

  Montana Moorehead : David...

  David Barnes : Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?

  Montana Moorehead : No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally.

  [storms out] 

  Montana Moorehead : [from off stage]  I hate you! I hate you, you pig!

  David Barnes : She's got a lot of spirit.

  Lori Craven : She's a deranged bitch!

• David Barnes : I was under orders.

  Celeste Talbert : So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.

  David Barnes : Himmler.

  Celeste Talbert : No, no, no.

  David Barnes : Hess.

  Rose Schwartz : Eichmann.

  David Barnes : Eichmann.

  Celeste Talbert : Eichmann! Thank you. Eichmann!

  [points at David] 

  Celeste Talbert : That's you.

• David Barnes : Listen, she just won her 8th Schmenger, right? Edmund's crazy about her. She's got a lot of juice.

  Montana Moorehead : Well, that's when you dump people, okay? When they're still on top, before they lose their popularity and drag the show down with them.

• David Barnes : [about Montana]  She's got a lot of spirit.

  Lori Craven : She's a deranged bitch.

• David Barnes : So, who dies? It can't be one of the regulars...

  Montana Moorehead : Not even Bolt?

  David Barnes : Bolt? No, Bolt's gold, especially with that whole impotency thing coming up. One of the extras...

  Montana Moorehead : One of the homeless, David, one of the homeless.

  David Barnes : That's cruel.

  Montana Moorehead : It's very cruel.

• David Barnes : She's turned unstable and we can't...

  Edwards : Unstable. I'm stable! Who wants to watch me on television? Unstable is her talent.

• David Barnes : I have a big show.

  Montana Moorehead : Like "Laguna Beach" .

  David Barnes : Better than "Laguna Beach". Hotter!

  Montana Moorehead : Wetter.

  David Barnes : Sandier.

  Montana Moorehead : Saltier.

• David Barnes : We have got to get off the dime here sexually, because I'm losing it. I would kill to have you on all fours.

  Montana Moorehead : Would you, David? Then, you know what you have to do.

• David Barnes : I also want to keep with the socially relevant storyline, such as the homeless or oil spills or breast implants.

• David Barnes : What is it about you? I can't put my finger on it. You're not my type. I'm used to dating these petite waitress girls that don't wear any eyeshadow. But, I'm so drawn to you. It's not just chemical. I believe that. It's spiritual.

  Montana Moorehead : I believe it too, David. Now, if you want to get to know the real me...

  David Barnes : Find Jeffrey Anderson. Hmm. Can I touch your breasts?

  Montana Moorehead : Find him!

• Leeza Gibbons : Isn't Celeste Talbert, Jeffrey Anderson's new love interest on the show?

  David Barnes : Yes, Leeza. But, now with the introduction of the youthful, angelic Lori Craven, we have created a triangle - and that allows us to explore a contemporary theme, which is actually very close to Miss Talbert's heart: today's woman as she gets dried up, old, and sexually undesirable. It works.