Soapdish (1991)

Cathy Moriarty: Montana Moorehead

Photos 

Quotes 

• Celeste Talbert : [accepting an award]  Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

  [At their table] 

  Ariel Maloney : Bitch!

  David Barnes : Hag!

  Montana Moorehead : I hate her so much!

• Montana Moorehead : [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]  WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

  Jeffrey Anderson : [annoyed]  I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!

  [Ariel and Rose enter as doctors] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Doctor!

  Ariel Maloney : A second opinion...

  [Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing] 

  Ariel Maloney : ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

  Rose Schwartz : Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!

  [Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo] 

  Montana Moorehead : [shouts and runs off]  NO! NO! NO!

• Montana Moorehead : [after seeing Lori on People magazine]  YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED!

  David Barnes : Hey! We were never naked.

  Montana Moorehead : Well, we could've been! Not only did you get rid of Celeste but you - YOU CREATED LORI! This ingénue from HELL! She has more lines than I do and she's a GOD... DAMN... MUTE!

• Lori Craven : [bursting into David's office]  We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird.

  [to Montana] 

  Lori Craven : Do you mind?

  Montana Moorehead : You, you're asking me to leave?

  Lori Craven : That's right. I'm asking you to leave.

  Montana Moorehead : David...

  David Barnes : Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?

  Montana Moorehead : No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally.

  [storms out] 

  Montana Moorehead : [from off stage]  I hate you! I hate you, you pig!

  David Barnes : She's got a lot of spirit.

  Lori Craven : She's a deranged bitch!

• Montana Moorehead : [about Lori Craven]  She has more lines than I do and she's a GOD DAMN MUTE!

• Nurse Nan : Sudden speech, the last sign of brain fever. She could blow at any moment!

• Montana Moorehead : Why aren't we having sex yet?

  Montana Moorehead : You know the rules. Get rid of her, Mr. Fuzzy is yours.

• David Barnes : Listen, she just won her 8th Schmenger, right? Edmund's crazy about her. She's got a lot of juice.

  Montana Moorehead : Well, that's when you dump people, okay? When they're still on top, before they lose their popularity and drag the show down with them.

• David Barnes : So, who dies? It can't be one of the regulars...

  Montana Moorehead : Not even Bolt?

  David Barnes : Bolt? No, Bolt's gold, especially with that whole impotency thing coming up. One of the extras...

  Montana Moorehead : One of the homeless, David, one of the homeless.

  David Barnes : That's cruel.

  Montana Moorehead : It's very cruel.

• [Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant] 

  Lori Craven : MOTHER!

  [Celeste sits up] 

  Lori Craven : No, I can't let you do this!

  Burton White : She spoke?

  Jeffrey Anderson : She spoke!

  Montana Moorehead : Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

  Lori Craven : I can always speak! Mother...

  Montana Moorehead : She's MY mother!

  Celeste Talbert : MONTANA, SHUT UP!

• Montana Moorehead : [to David]  What kind of moron are you?

• Montana Moorehead : Alright, look, I have a public, okay. They right me letters. "More Montana" they write. Look at these! "Celeste Talbert is a menopausal hag. Let's see more of Montana Moorehead"... Maria Randozzi, Fort Lee, New Jersey. *Fort Lee*. That's your audience, okay. That's the heartland.

• David Barnes : I have a big show.

  Montana Moorehead : Like "Laguna Beach" .

  David Barnes : Better than "Laguna Beach". Hotter!

  Montana Moorehead : Wetter.

  David Barnes : Sandier.

  Montana Moorehead : Saltier.

• David Barnes : We have got to get off the dime here sexually, because I'm losing it. I would kill to have you on all fours.

  Montana Moorehead : Would you, David? Then, you know what you have to do.

• David Barnes : What is it about you? I can't put my finger on it. You're not my type. I'm used to dating these petite waitress girls that don't wear any eyeshadow. But, I'm so drawn to you. It's not just chemical. I believe that. It's spiritual.

  Montana Moorehead : I believe it too, David. Now, if you want to get to know the real me...

  David Barnes : Find Jeffrey Anderson. Hmm. Can I touch your breasts?

  Montana Moorehead : Find him!

• Ariel Maloney : Oh, yummy.

  Montana Moorehead : With a spoon.

  Ariel Maloney : He's mine. You touch, you die.