Noises Off... (1992)
John Ritter: Garry Lejeune, Roger Tramplemain
Photos
Quotes
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Gary : Lloyd, let me just say one thing, since we've stopped. I've worked with a lotta directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses, some of them were bastards. But I've never met one who was so totally and absolutely... I don't know.
Lloyd : Thank you Gary, I'm very touched. Now will you get off the fucking stage?
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Frederick : Alright, I see all that.
Lloyd : Oh no.
Frederick : I just don't know why I take them.
Lloyd : Freddy love, why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot go out of the front door holding two plates of sardines? I mean, I-I'm not getting at you, love.
Gary : Course not, Lloyd. I mean, why do I? I mean, Jesus, when you come to think about it, why *do* I?
Lloyd : Who knows?
Gary : Who knows. You see, Freddy?
Lloyd : The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy. Maybe something happened to you when you were a very, very, very small child that made you frightened to let go of groceries.
Belinda : Or it could be genetic.
Gary : Yes, or it could be... you know.
Lloyd : Could-could well be.
Frederick : Of course, thank you. I understand all that, but...
Lloyd : Freddy love, I'm telling you I don't know. I-I don't think the *author* knows. I don't know why the author came into this industry in the first place. I don't know why any of us came into it.
Frederick : All the same, if you could just give me a reason I could keep in my mind.
Lloyd : Alright, I'll give you a reason then. You carry those groceries into the study, Freddy honey, because it's just slightly after midnight, and we're not going to be finished before we open tomorrow night - Correction. Before we open TONIGHT!
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Brooke : You can't even get the door open.
[and, in fact, Gary can't]
Lloyd : [distant] Hold it.
Frederick : [entering with Belinda] Yes, but this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
Lloyd : [a little louder] Hold it!
Frederick : We've got the place entirely to ourselves.
Belinda : Look at it.
Lloyd : [Freddy tries to close the door but can't] HOLD IT!
[they continue to try to open or close their respective doors]
Lloyd : And God said HOLD IT!
[they stop]
Lloyd : And they held it. And God saw that it was TERRIBLE!
Gary : Sorry, folks. The door won't open.
Belinda : Sorry, folks, this door won't close.
Lloyd : And God said, "POPPY!"
Frederick : Sorry folks, am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors.
Belinda : Freddy, darling, you're doing it perfectly.
Frederick : As long as it wasn't me that broke it.
Lloyd : [Poppy comes on stage] ... And there was Poppy. And God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors."
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[Dotty enters with the detached receiver and a small shovel]
Dotty : I've just come for me sardines.
[Gary yells in surprise, she gives a sarcastic yell back]
Gary : Well, I'm sorry, I thought there was no one here.
Dotty : I'm not here. I don't know where I am.
Gary : I'm from the agency.
[she tries to put the receiver down, but finds that the rest of the phone is missing]
Dotty : Lost the phone now.
Gary : Squire, Squire, Hackem and Dudley.
Dotty : Never lost the phone before.
Gary : I'm Tramplemain.
Dotty : I know, I'll just put it up here in case anyone wants it, look!
[she hangs the receiver on a lampshade]
Gary : Oh, right, thanks. No, no, I just dropped in to go into a few things - well, to check some of the measurements - do one or two odd jobs.
Dotty : Now the plate's gone.
Gary : Oh, and a client: I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house.
Brooke : What's wrong with this door?
[Dotty begins looking under the sofa cushions for the plate]
Gary : She's thinking of renting it, her interest is definitely aroused!
Brooke : [bursting out of the bathroom] That's not the bedroom!
[Dotty looks behind the sofa]
Gary : The bedroom? No, no, no, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite! And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crocket.
[he walks onto the sardines on the floor]
Dotty : Sardines! Here, sardines!
Brooke : Oh, hi!
Gary : She's not really here.
Dotty : You *stepped* on 'em!
[she pounds Gary's feet with the shovel]
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Gary : Is there anyone *else* in the house. Mrs. Clackett?
Dotty : I ain't seen no one, dear.
Gary : Well, I-I thought I heard boxes... I mean I found these voices.
Dotty : Voices? There's no voices 'ere, Love.
Gary : I must've imagined it.
Frederick : Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!
[as he yells, an amazing crash is heard backstage]
Gary : [pause] I *beg* your pardon?
Dotty : [She takes a deep breath] Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!
[as she yells, she bangs things together and knocks things off tables to make loud noises]
Gary : [Another pause] Why, what is it?
