Noises Off... (1992)
Carol Burnett: Dotty Otley, Mrs. Clackett
Photos
Quotes
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Dotty : Am I in Spain? No I'm not in Spain, dear, I'm in agony, that's where I am!
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Dotty : Sardines! I've forgotten the sardines...
[She notices the sardines sitting on the table and stares at them for a moment]
Dotty : No I 'aven't; I 'aven't forgotten the sardines. I remembered the sardines. Well, what a surprise; I guess I'll just go into the kitchen and fix some more sardines to celebrate!
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Dotty : And I take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines.
Lloyd : You leave the sardines and you hang up the phone.
Dotty : Yes, right. I hang up the phone.
Lloyd : And you leave the sardines.
Dotty : I leave the sardines?
Lloyd : You leave the sardines.
Dotty : I hang up the phone and I leave the sardines?
Lloyd : Right!
Dotty : We've changed that, have we, dear?
Lloyd : No, dear...
Dotty : That's what I've always been doing?
Lloyd : I wouldn't say that, Dotty my precious.
Dotty : Well, how about the words, dear, am I getting some of them right?
Lloyd : Some of them have a very familiar ring.
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[Dotty enters with the detached receiver and a small shovel]
Dotty : I've just come for me sardines.
[Gary yells in surprise, she gives a sarcastic yell back]
Gary : Well, I'm sorry, I thought there was no one here.
Dotty : I'm not here. I don't know where I am.
Gary : I'm from the agency.
[she tries to put the receiver down, but finds that the rest of the phone is missing]
Dotty : Lost the phone now.
Gary : Squire, Squire, Hackem and Dudley.
Dotty : Never lost the phone before.
Gary : I'm Tramplemain.
Dotty : I know, I'll just put it up here in case anyone wants it, look!
[she hangs the receiver on a lampshade]
Gary : Oh, right, thanks. No, no, I just dropped in to go into a few things - well, to check some of the measurements - do one or two odd jobs.
Dotty : Now the plate's gone.
Gary : Oh, and a client: I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house.
Brooke : What's wrong with this door?
[Dotty begins looking under the sofa cushions for the plate]
Gary : She's thinking of renting it, her interest is definitely aroused!
Brooke : [bursting out of the bathroom] That's not the bedroom!
[Dotty looks behind the sofa]
Gary : The bedroom? No, no, no, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite! And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crocket.
[he walks onto the sardines on the floor]
Dotty : Sardines! Here, sardines!
Brooke : Oh, hi!
Gary : She's not really here.
Dotty : You *stepped* on 'em!
[she pounds Gary's feet with the shovel]
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Dotty : Oh, yes, dear. Everything's all nice and paranormal here.
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Dotty : Lucky I can't see far with this leg.
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Dotty : [referring to the fact that Tim is taking Freddy's place because Freddy slipped on some sardines backstage] You haven't hurt himself, have you?
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[Dotty, completely distracted, now has the phone cord wrapped around her and an empty plate in her hands. The sardines lie on the floor next to her]
Dotty : ...not in Spain, they're next to the... study, in the phone! Squire, Squire, Hackem an'... hold on!
[She drops the receiver, which dangles from her neck. She looks around]
Dotty : I'm going to do something wrong here.
[She looks at the empty plate]
Dotty : Oh yes! Oh yes, always the *same*, innit? Soon as you got too much on your *plate,* there you go puttin' your foot in it, and...
[she walks right onto the sardines on the floor]
Dotty : Oh, speak of the devil! They go puttin' their foot in it now, won't they? Well, we'll take care o' that:
[She unfolds the newspaper to lay on top of the sardines]
Dotty : I'll just put that there. Look, see? That'll keep 'em out of 'arm's way.
[picks up the empty plate and begins to exit, dragging the phone by the chord that's still wrapped around her]
Dotty : What I'm holdin' now I don't know. And off I go at last!
[she spins as she leaves to untangle the phone cord]
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Gary : Is there anyone *else* in the house. Mrs. Clackett?
Dotty : I ain't seen no one, dear.
Gary : Well, I-I thought I heard boxes... I mean I found these voices.
Dotty : Voices? There's no voices 'ere, Love.
Gary : I must've imagined it.
Frederick : Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!
[as he yells, an amazing crash is heard backstage]
Gary : [pause] I *beg* your pardon?
Dotty : [She takes a deep breath] Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!
[as she yells, she bangs things together and knocks things off tables to make loud noises]
Gary : [Another pause] Why, what is it?
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[everyone except Poppy and Tim are on-stage and have no idea where they are or what to do now]
Lloyd : I've got to get the 8:40 to New York!
Poppy : [Lloyd opens the door to find Poppy wrapped in sheets, playing Freddy's part] Ah! House of heavenly peace! I rent it.
Dotty : Oh! It's the other one! And in her wedding dress.
Belinda : Yes, yes, it's their wedding day!
All : Oh!
Belinda : What a happy ending... to the... to the first act!... Of their new life together! And they just want to be alone in their new home... if only someone would pull the shades!
[Indicates that the curtain should come down]
Tim : [Tim enters in the black sheets, prepared to play Brooke's part] Come in?
Dotty : Oh, and it's the mother of the bride.
Tim : Go out?
All : Pull the shades!
[Tim runs out to lower the curtain]
Selsdon : Last line?
All : Last line!
Selsdon : I'll tell you one thing, Vicky.
All : [Dotty slaps Vicky, who loses a contact lens and goes looking for it] What's that, Dad?
Selsdon : When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like an old fashioned plate of, uh... curtain!
