Barbarians at the Gate (1993 TV Movie)

Dean Norris: 1st Scientist

Quotes 

• 1st Scientist : [talking about the smokeless Premier cigarette survey]  Well of all the people we surveyed the results were just about uniform

  F. Ross Johnson : Uh huh.

  Edward A. Horrigan Jr. : They all said they tasted like shit.

  F. Ross Johnson : Like shit?

  2nd Scientist : Shit was the consensus, yes sir.

  F. Ross Johnson : They all said that? Nobody liked them?

  2nd Scientist : Fewer than 5%

  F. Ross Johnson : You said you heard the results were terrific.

  Edward A. Horrigan Jr. : There's nothing wrong with 5%, Ross, I'll take 5% of the smoking market any day of the week

  F. Ross Johnson : How much are we into right now?

  1st Scientist : Right now?

  F. Ross Johnson : To date, to here, to now?

  1st Scientist : Upwards of 350.

  F. Ross Johnson : We've spent 350 million dollars and we come up with a turd with a tip? God almighty, Ed! We poured enough technology in this project to send a cigarette to the moon and we come up with one that tastes like it took a dump?

  Edward A. Horrigan Jr. : We haven't even talked about the smell.

  F. Ross Johnson : Oh what did they say that was like? A fart?

  Edward A. Horrigan Jr. : Yep.

  F. Ross Johnson : Oh you're not serious! They really said that?

  2nd Scientist : We have an awful lot of fart figures.

  F. Ross Johnson : Tastes like shit and smells like a fart! Got ourselves a real winner here, it's one goddamn unique advertising slogan I'll give you that.

• F. Ross Johnson : And what the hell's wrong with the draw? You need an extra set of lungs just to take a drag.

  1st Scientist : It is a little difficult.

  F. Ross Johnson : A little difficult?

  2nd Scientist : It's what we call the 'hernia effect'.

  F. Ross Johnson : Is that's what we call it? Well there's another great billboard for you. What do we do, give away a truss with every pack? WARNING - this cigarette can tear your balls off!

  Edward A. Horrigan Jr. : Their not so bad.

  F. Ross Johnson : Stop jerking off Ed. Who the hell would sneak into a john to smoke one of these. Wherever you light one up you're in the shit house and I'm beginning to get the same feeling myself.

• 1st Scientist : If you light a Premier with a match instead of with a lighter the sulphur reacts badly with the carbon in the tip.

  F. Ross Johnson : Do we have to have the carbon?

  1st Scientist : That's what makes it smokeless.

  F. Ross Johnson : Well how we get it shitless?