Kenneth Mars: Professor Screweyes
Quotes
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Professor Screweyes : Hey Stubbs! Where do you think you're goin'? Get back here!
Stubbs the Clown : Oh, I forgot to tell ya... I QUIT! I quit! Ha! I resign! Are you gettin' this completely in your ear? I am PROFOUNDLY outta here! And this ain't about money. I ain't even complaining about my dry cleaning bill. But hang around with elephants all day and try to keep YOUR clothes clean!
[audience laughs]
Stubbs the Clown : But that's not the point. The point is, I quit. Quittski! Over-and-outski! That's all she wrote! KEEP MY LAST CHECK, BUDDY!
[hands each item to Screweyes as he mentions it]
Stubbs the Clown : Here's my shoes, my nose, my horn, my buzzer, my fake arm, my bug-eye glasses, my backstage passes, my hat, my rabbit, HIS backstage passes, my fake fangs, a few birds, my pogo stick, my donkey ears, my extending tounge gag, my rubber chicken; Ya can't even get these anymore; my lucky whale tooth, and a giant clam that opens to reveal the American flag held by a mermaid and her normal brother, Richard!
[audience laughing]
Stubbs the Clown : SO LONG! Oh, and by the way, in case you're wondering why I'm talking and they're laughing, let me explain it to ya...
Stubbs the Clown : [Screams] THAT'S! COMEDY!
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Professor Screweyes : Brother! Brother, wait! When I am all alone... when I have no one to scare, I get very frightened myself.
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[Louie and Cecilia are about to sign Prof. Screweyes' contract]
Cecilia : Louie, I'm scared.
Professor Screweyes : You are? Good.
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Professor Screweyes : [describing his Fright Radio] It picks up what people are scared to death of. You see, I find out what they're frightened of on this radio and that's what I try to give them with my circus. It's a public service, but this is the station that comes in the loudest of all.
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[Prof. Screweyes has just shown off his Fright Radio to the kids and the dinosaurs]
Professor Screweyes : You see what they're most afraid of?
Woog : No.
Professor Screweyes : Monsters!
Rex : Monsters?
Professor Screweyes : You!
Rex : Us?
Dweeb : Us?
Professor Screweyes : [holding out a jar of glowing pills] With a little help, yes.
Cecilia : What's that?
Professor Screweyes : It's Brain Drain, the remedy to my brother's goody-two-shoes breakfast cereal. It'll take you back. It'll make you monsters.
Woog : But we don't want to be monsters.
Rex : We're not taking anything. You can forget it.
Professor Screweyes : All right, you're free. You can go. I can't stop you. But the kids... are mine.
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Professor Screweyes : [having just hypnotized Louie and Cecilia into submission] Among my many other rights under this contract, including copyrights on all their ideas, I've got an exclusive option... on their willpower.
[Screweyes takes a tablet of his Brain Drain pill and snaps it in half]
Professor Screweyes : Now, this is just a temporary dose: my way of demonstration...
[the children slowly transform into primitive chimps, to the horror of the dinosaurs]
Rex : Change them back! Or I'll...
Professor Screweyes : Or you'll what? You're too enlightened by my brother's Brain Grain. You've lost your savagery. You've lost your frightening, prehistoric power to intimidate! You're civilized now and I've got a contract, and you're gonna respect that like the chumps that you are! But I'll tell you what I'd be willing to do: you all agree to take the Brain Drain, and I'll rip up this contract and set the kids free; if you don't take it, I'll bill them as the wild children of Hellzapoppin and use them to scare people in the sideshow! It's up to you!
Rex : [sighs] I'll take it.
Elsa : [angrily] And I'll take it, you loathsome creature!
Dweeb : [voice breaking] I'll do it.
Woog : [in tears] Me too.
